I Miss Him…. A Poem

There were times when the world seemed so open, problems didn’t hit me as hard

When coloring was the shit and getting a 64 count crayon box meant you were blessed

From deciding what Matchbox cars to play with, what Lego fixtures I could build

I Miss Him

The couple of dollars I could make from raking the grass, the jumping on any couch or bed

to almost breaking down when I didn’t get what I want. My oh my time goes by fast

When hearing the Ice Cream truck brought so much joy and a sweet tooth to match

I Miss Him

Growing older, I really understood what the world thought of me and not having the tools

to not give a damn, I gave in. Walls went up, heart in a lockbox gasping for air

Thinking if I was “normal” things would be ok

I Wanna Hug Him

Knowing that what I believe matters above all else, tides have changed the water is less choppy

the greatest love of all was so easy to achieve, right under my nose, the smell of freedom

the clouds are blue again.

I Am Him

CaesarMarques

Me #POETRY

I knew he existed just had to find him somewhere

all the times that life kept him under wraps

It was a pleasure to know he had my back

Confident, Courageous, Cocky he can appear to be

as I dug deep in the spirit of all that is me.

He comes to play at different times, he’s picky about

the energy he shares, at some points you can look at him

and it may seem that there are no cares. Hiding is crucial

because of what society deems the right thing to be, say or act

As a matter of fact the light that shines so bright can be dimmed by certain

words of no fault of his own just a insecurity overgrown

Its getting easier as the years go by, love of self is a virtue that comes to

play almost every day. Watching, waiting, hoping, praying that it never goes away

the intense desire to be, feel and radiate true unconditional love. When it goes to the universe

and boomerangs back you never think of the lack

lack of money, lack of significant other, lack of friendships, lack of honesty

With yourself and others because of the fear that comes with it. It’s never enough

It will never be enough but you are enough some people look at you and see

all that you don’t the goodness, the funny, the sexy, the all around mushy gorgeous

Something will catch you and point it all out and you will not be able to deny it

and why should you?

CaesarMarques

My Shield…..#poetry

I had to draw you in with a story to tell

about a man some people pretend to know so well.

I’ve struggled with weight for a bulk of my life eating burgers and shakes

I never thought twice. Entering my mid 30’s this year shined a light

so bright that I had to face my truth. It can construed as a guard between me and the

world, a buffer to keep people away because society says big is bad

Thinking like that can keep you from the life you were meant to have

In my life it has kept me out of fights, out of love, out of physical entrapments

that could open my eyes to what the world really is and could be. Its sad I know

you don’t realize how much you can grow from learning that there’s a place for everyone

and feeling sorry for yourself can be a turn off. Burn off the stinky recesses of the past

so that your future can be a blast. newfound appreciation was found when I looked in the mirror

and saw my invisible crown, sword ,scepter and shield took it off and what was revealed?

Me in my glory only as happy as I chose to be its only up to me to have the life that’s meant to be

Opening my heart will be one of the greatest battles of my life I’m gonna need all the support that

the universe will give. In the end it’s gonna be all good no pressure no cooker all love.

The shield comes off, is this when truly enjoying your life begins?

CaesarMarques

…But it’s so comfortable in My Comfort Zone #Essay

Photo Credit: Geekologie.com

Acting class is going well, the tribe are a bunch of awesomely talented group of people. Which brings me to my dilemma, how to stay confident in a group where you perceive that people are better than you with more experience. I have always had some issues with my memory and now memorizing lines just drives me bat-shit crazy. I rehearse with my scene partner, do good and get in front of the instructor and start to forget shit. You do realize that people do this type of stuff 8 shows a week with singing added!

I’m trying to be better at every turn and when I’m watching these amazing people my confidence drops a little. How to stay in a place of gratitude and confidence when you are in the company of performers? You see I havent had this issue before because I’ve never did something I wanted to do. I stay in my comfortable place and let life pass me by until this year. Acting has been a eye-opening lesson in so many ways, opening up to a lesson about myself.

My ego thought I would get in this class and kill it. The reality is that I’m new and I need training. Is it gonna come easy like it does to everyone else? Maybe or maybe not. I honestly thought of not going forward, not because I can’t afford it (I can make it work) but because I don’t wanna waste time on something I like versus finding something I love (writing and directing). It’s all confusing and I don’t wanna seem lost when I pretty much am. I was the kid who wanted to do EVERYTHING for a job.

How do I get out of this rut. Go to Acting 3 because it’s the last of the series and I can learn more, while putting what I’ve learned in my acting toolbox. Take a writing class and develop that skill. Take a directing class and develop that skill. Admit I’m scared shitless that the vision in my head of Joe Q Oscar Winner could never come? There’s a lot to think about before June 23rd when the next class starts.

How do you get out of your comfort zone?

P.S Isnt that Spiderman Bed the coolest??

CaesarMarques

Kids : Thinking About Them #Essay

Do men have biological clocks to? I’ve been wondering because when I see fathers with their kids I have a slight case of longing, like I’m missing something. I am 5 years from 40 so that could be it. I also have 12 nieces and nephews that I can see for a weekend and be ready to send them home afterwards. Theres nothing like having your own. My situation is different in the fact that I’m 90% sure I will not end up with a lady as my life partner. I don’t know if you people know this and be prepared to be blown away if you don’t, two men CAN NOT biologically have children. Crazy ain’t it.

That leaves some options though:

Surrogacy- I hear it costs a shit ton of money but you get to pick your surrogate and the child has your genes but again you need money.

Adoption- Costs Money (of course) Options on where to pick your child from anywhere in the world that won’t deny a single parent or even worse a gay couple.

Pretending to be Straight, Knocking up a lady and suing for primary custody: Costs money and takes too much time. You’d have to get courts involved, hurt feelings everywhere. It’s still an option.

Where do I go from here? Continue to daydream and hope a stork drops one out of the sky? It’s still in the planning stages because there are men who do this as a single parent which I know isn’t easy. I can barely afford to clothe and feed myself and now I want a kid? Hard to believe for some but my heart is good and I’d make a wonderful but stern teddy bear of a dad. Just thought I’d throw this out into the universe.

Now to go make some money or better yet marry some money 😉

CaesarMarques

Facebook or Not was the question???….#ESSAY

Two years have passed and I’m back on Facebook. I originally deactivated my account because I wanted to start a blog about my adventures in life and Facebook would take up too much of my time or that’s what I told people. The truth would be slightly different and a bit how should I say this, pathetic.

One reason we struggle with insecurity is that we’re comparing our behind the scenes to every else’s highlight reel”.- Pastor Steven Furtick

I was seeing all my “friends” have awesome adventures with their lives and i was scraping, scrimping and just doing enough to get by. No love to call my own so I LOVED the wedding announcements, hadn’t taken an actual vacation since I was a teenager so I LOVED the beach snaps. In short I was jealous and insecure about what I thought my life should be like compared to these people some who I admit I befriended just to be nosey, or if they were cute. A lil of both actually. I read the above quote numerous times in different places and thought hmm, I heard she got dumped but that wasnt on FB and I heard his band sucked donkey balls but no pics of that on FB. My allusions were shattered.

We are all human beings who face life’s up and downs, we ALL want a pat on the back or a like for a job well done or a pic nicely taken (yes you do). FB can be used to keep in touch with family far away and classmates from that 10 year reunion for better or worse. I also decided that in going back to FB that I wasnt going to be private for the sake of who might hear or see my thoughts. I didn’t want to overshare in the past, afraid that my sister or other close relatives would get upset, alert the media or worse call me and keep me on the phone for hours. It’s my reality, my page and to hell with what anybody else thinks including family.

I’ve just started getting in the acting game, taking classes and such and wisely my teacher suggested using FB as a tool for finding out about auditions. That pushed me back on FB. I havent regretted it yet and I’ve connected with some of the tribe from my acting world on there. I’m gonna keep an open mind and not stress about it. Everybody has a right to tell their story to anyone who follows them as do I. If shit doesn’t pan out I can always deactivate again.

CaesarMarques

So Much… #poetry

Too much going on, the news is depressing

Lord I think it’s time to send out some blessings

I try to stay away the headlines draw me in

I feel like my head is going to cave in

I don’t wanna be ignorant to the topics of the day

But boy oh boy I wish there was a way

To lift all the suffering and cure-all the pain

Yes my heart is pure, I only have this to gain

Knowledge that the world can take care of its own

Help each other when needed, be good spirits all around

Help in small pockets of the world can be found

Not everyone is corrupt, not everyone is out for themselves

But Lord oh Lord do we need your help. My daily prayer

consists of healing from Nepal to B’More and anywhere in between.

Put help where its needed send angels everywhere

let your love shine light on injustices and wrongdoings. I believe there’s a beating heart in

mankind we just need your push and wisdom to act and be divine.

CaesarMarques

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free……#ESSAY

Watching the Bruce Jenner interview on ABC got me to thinking about my own life and what it means to live a true authentic life at any age. Knowing you are different and choosing not to honor it can have many repercussions on your psyche, your life and your mental state. Its not easy to go against what society thinks or what your family has raised you to be.

As I get older I believe that we choose the life thats less painful for us. We want to be accepted at a young age for who and what we are but peer pressure and puberty can do a job on confusing the feelings. It did on me for sure. I’ve always had feelings for boys since I was a young kid not thinking there was strange about it. That was until I told a fellow female classmate I thought another dude was cute, shit hit the fan and then I realized that maybe I should keep all my feelings to myself.I guess it didnt help that I had a fashionista for a big sister while watching her and her quest to look better than everybody else, I wanted to as well.

Elementary school couldnt tell me nothing about clothing. I was the flyest dude in that school at least I thought. Did they talk about me? Hell to the yeah, but I really don’t remember caring as much. In fact I thought I looked so good I wanted to be a model. Then middle school happened. It seemed that every bad thing people thought of me AMPLIFIED in my mind so I ate and slept. We wore uniforms so there wasn’t a big fashion craze at the school but on certain days when there was a free day I wore my best outfits. Lol It kinda of gotten to a point where personal hygiene wasn’t as important as it should’ve been and let me tell ya BAD IDEA!

So I ate and slept some more then High School happened, I was a huge, smelly mess of a dude all to hide the REAL me. I became known as the Smart-Ass around the school, people talked about me but it never got physical for me. I believe there is a big difference in my mind between teasing and being bullied. I was teased but I still gained a best friend and people who were cool with me for some reason or another. I rarely dated if ever so I didnt have the quintessental teenage guy experience that is so awkwardly portrayed on TV and Film.

Some people started to suspect as I grew up and left High School that I was into dudes. The world was a bitter cold place to me and I admired and envied those folks who could be themselves. I started working for a grocery store in the suburbs when I was 19 and I saw all these colorful people who were just fine as they were and accepted me as such. Walls that I placed around myself s l o w l y came crashing down. I started dating dudes more while testing the waters with family asking specific questions about other people seeing the reactions.

In my world today I still get nervous when talking about my life with co-workers, new friends etc. I believe the Internet helped in a big way with information, connections with like-minded people and such. My family is supportive for the most part but I haven’t brought anyone home yet so that may or may not change. Freedom for me would be not caring at all what anyone else thinks and doing me to the best of my ability. Thank you Bruce for your inspiring story and waking me up to realize what true authentic courage is. My journey to freedom starts today..

P.S The young lady singing one of my favorite anthems is Emeli Sande. She’s incredible and if you’ve never heard her albums, treat yourself. We also share a birthday!!!

I FOUND MY TRIBE Y’ALL…. #ESSAY

When I was younger my aunt used to babysit me, everyday at 1pm I had to be quiet because the “stories” were on. What are “stories” you might ask, they are really soap operas but in black households they were called “stories”. Usually when asked what you are watching you would just blurt out the channel. My aunties channel was ABC. I grew up watching Loving, All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital. It kind of put a passion in me to wanna know how these people acted so crazy and or funny so effortlessly. It started me also thinking of storytelling in a way that was over the top (The classic catfight in the pool) or serious (Character dying from a disease). In a way it has shaped the way I write fiction and the hobby I’m pursing now.

This year ive decided to spend money on experiences more than mere possessions. I’ve always wanted to act, sing, dance, write , fashion design, architect, paint, be a world leader and a superhero. When I got older and self-doubt crept in, built a mansion, furnished it and would not leave I didn’t pursue what my passions were I pursued what others wanted me to be. That got old fast I tell ya. Depression decided to rent a room and the mansion got so crowded that something had to give. I slowly came to realize what wasnt working and went and made plans to fix it. I tried an acting class.

My expectations for acting 1 were high, I mean after all I watched enough soap operas to cry on cue or get angry with the snap of a finger. The focus was on individual preparation and completing a monologue. I did ok, my teacher kept saying more emotion. I thought I gave it all I had, ended up being so disappointed in myself that I declined to do the student showcase at the end of the semester. The next acting class was to focus on scene work with a partner and you HAD to do the student showcase. I’m no punk so I enrolled in acting 2.

One of the best decisions in my life. There are 5 students from the previous class so the comfort level was there, but add 11 more people from other classes and you get some of the most creative, inspiring people I’ve encountered in a long time in one room. 4 hours of laughter, fun and we are all there to learn and do a good job. It’s the one day of the week I look forward to, I can be my true self with no judgement. There’s no grades so there’s no competition and that takes a load off.

I encourage anyone reading this to pick a hobby/passion that you’ve abandoned for whatever reason and give it another try. Small steps are always better than no steps at all. I’m having a great time and I’m truly thankful.

You never know, you may see me on your movie or TV screen soon

I found my tribe y’all…… It only took 35 years

You Are Not Alone

I care 4 u

Theres something you’re not telling me maybe you think I wouldn’t understand

Troubles run deep this I know, but only on your face does a smile show

Hero

Talk to me all night long, I want to listen, be that guiding voice you need to hear

Long sentences form, your trust I have earned so tell me whats going on?

Brave

It takes so much to get through this life, the hills and valleys, the joy and sorrow

No one is without problems this I can share, hoping that you know how much I care

Angel In Disguise

You lighten up as we talk more, the clouds are parting, the thunder is quieting

Issues we were both scared to face come to sight helping us both see the future in all its light

Unbreakable

Bonds are welded shut, love is exchanged, priorities are rearranged

I’m never far away, that’s what telecommunications are for

please don’t ever hesitate to knock on my door.

CaesarMarques

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