When you love
is it conditional
I’m speaking of myself
the days I haven’t spoken the
kindest words or thought the
When you love
is it conditional
I’m speaking of myself
the days I haven’t spoken the
kindest words or thought the
“It’s time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together to release the pressure
We need a holiday” – Madonna
on this day nine years ago, i revealed a personal truth to my parents
like pressure off your brain it was needed. My fam is low-key so it wasn’t the
biggest deal to them, but to me my world was a bit lighter . I’m proud. I’m blessed.
ups and downs both abound but I’m still trucking. Haven’t found my forever but
there’s hope. so while people celebrate the holiday of our fallen soldiers, i celebrate
the holiday of my fallen facade, lies I told to belong so long ago.
I’m still here, but I’ve thought about it
Not being here.
Driving on an overpass, how quick to jump
This too shall pass.
Looking at the bottle of pain pills, easy
Takes the pain away.
Looking into the future, it’s not clear
Sadly it’s filled with fear.
Injured from years Dr’s say neglect
I’m writing this. Am I the strong friend
The one no one checks on. Sometimes
take it day by day, telling the enemy go
away . I don’t want none of your time,
I got mine and I’m gonna be fine.
I learned of a local news reporter today
Who took her life, didn’t know her but
On a random night in ICU , i was there
Asking God to take me away
The toughest headache, the sharpest nerve
Pain, more drugs came, the feeling left
For a second.
The point is I’ve been there no judgement
What gets me through?
I’ve asked forgiveness for the wretched
Person i was to merge with the grown up
Man i am today.
Music also has been a great relief, songs
That have preached to me, spoken to me
One such song is the title to this freewrite
“Hold up the light” 3 amazing voices I
Heard talking to me and i thought
Maybe I’m the light? Is this what I’m here
For? Love, Light ,Fight for what’s right?
IDK life is crazy man. You still got me.
I ask for guidance Universe. let me be your
Vessel. I ask humbly to be a light in this
World of darkness…..
Survival of the fittest in the world today
It’s all in me, can I let it out?
Downplayed, afraid of what others may say
How can he Radiate such, such beauty,
Such grace. I mean he only takes pictures of his
Face; body isn’t perfect but folks feel he’s
Conceited because he doesn’t talk to
Everyone; Arrogant because he knows what he
Wants; speaks his mind didn’t stutter one time
Truly feeling he’s one of a kind
Took some time for him to find
The jewel that lies inside
Buried under hurt, dirt, seaweed, broken glass
Honey, insecurity and neglect.
Gentle in speech, large in spirit
I’m on my way…to be continued
“I believe in miracles, cause it’s a miracle I’m here.” -Emeli Sande
Born day is here and the feeling is mixed
I’m blessed to have what I have
Meet the people I’ve met
Traveled to the places I’ve traveled
There is something I wanna do
Live in another place, get another grove
Find love with another + myself
Follow my true path
Be that media mogul, makes dreams come
True, even mines
I pray this year brings a Desire to live
Fully honestly and without hesitation
With that sentimental crap outta the way
My attitude remains
Told by a co-worker you should have more confidence in yourself
Confidence doesn’t come easy, based on the belief that if I think too highly people will make it there mission to take me down
Which brings the point that people are not thinking of me as much as I think of me
People have said “you’re handsome”, but would people actually say “you ugly”?
I overthink, I criticize, I realize thats who I am
If I’m gifted at making acquaintances , own it
If people want to see me smile, do it
If the leadership at my job wants me to lead and that’s the end goal anyway, don’t shrink and automatically recommend someone else
If you fail, that means you tried right?
In 2017, I’ve gotta step into my greatness and claim my place in this world no backing down
Most people want me to thrive and I should want that for myself
And I can’t do that wishing to be someone else
I step into this place, the table has been set
Now muthafucka you better eat…..
© Marcus Caesar
Photo courtesy of Tumblr
…started being attracted to the same sex at a early age but deathly afraid of people finding out so you go into a shell?
…love to sleep because your dream life is one of the happiest places you can go?
…put words in people’s mouths, automatically give them a story as to why they wouldn’t like you without actually knowing that person?
…as a teenager neglect cleanliness about yourself so that it would put up a wall as to keep people out?
…went years without sex because you find your body disgusting?
…go out of your way to make people smile and laugh so that the universe will send people to do the same for you?
…decided that the “fuck it all” attitude is the way to be from here on out, when the world seems way too complicated and you’re sensitive to the energies of that world for better or worse
…to be continued
…gif courtesy of GIPHY.com
Hey Everyone, I don’t believe I did this last year. I’m gonna do a synopsis of how my year has gone down with the help of gifs (love them). My goal next year is to contribute more to this space so you can get to know me better through words and photography, I think I may do a whole redesign of the blog but we shall see…….
All I Ask
I was in a temporary job in which I didn’t love just getting by in the start of the year. I was working a shift that didn’t allow me to do any of my creative endeavors that 2015 had me interested in (acting classes, doing plays etc) my thought process was do a good job and you may become permanent. So I did, perfect attendance and stellar call quality according to my superiors I wouldnt been a model permanent employee, but because this was still considered temporary I took other interviews hoping for a full-time permanent position. I’m asking the heavens to bless me with full-time employment so I don’t default on my car loan, credit cards, student loans etc…
I got let go from that temporary job with the reasoning “They just don’t feel you are long-term employee material”. My question is who is? Do I want to stay making Lil money with a fucking bachelors degree? No. So I am going to better myself AND search for other opportunities while working, it only makes sense right? So they were right in retrospect, as soon as I found another opportunity I was out of there quick, fast and in a hurry. Luckily I qualified for unemployment benefits that got me through bills-wise. I already had trouble with stress and depression tied to my self-worth and this little setback didn’t do anything to help matters.
Darkness and Light
When summer started to roll in, so did me eating my feelings and feeling down because I’m going to interviews upon interviews and still nothing. One company I interviewed with twice and they were known to hire any and everybody…….. but not me. Bitches
My favorite part of the summer? I decided to take singing lessons to keep my creative juices flowing and I thought i was okay at it on the way to being stellar at it. It was a testament to me doing something I’ve always wanted to do and finding a way to get it done. I met some cool ladies there who were all in the same boat I was in (learning) and it was a highlight of my year.Middle of the summer I decided to check out a play that one of my acting teachers wrote and it starred a couple of peeps I had acting classes with, I happened to sit with The Lady H another acting classmate who was also there for support as well. I went through my story and she offered to go over my resume and give me tips on how to stand out in a crowded employment field. She spruced up my resume and sent me links to some openings and encouraged me to join LinkedIn. The Lady H was a blessing beyond words and I thank God i was able to get out of my own way and not turn down help because of pride and what not.
I wanted to share my writings with the world and so I decided that I would submit some of my poetry for publication. I learned that you really should read the publications you are submitting to, needless to say my selections didn’t get picked and a valuable lesson was learned. Score one for experience……I woke up one morning in July and while trying to rush to the bathroom for my morning whizz, my mother hit me with the news that my cousin had passed. He was only 2 years older than me, we weren’t close to be honest, that was a product of my insecurities being around straight dudes and what not, but when we did see each other it was all love. I was in the midst of taking singing lessons and he was a music producer. Who knows what could have happened if we mixed and I had opened up about this part of my life. I try not to dwell on the what could have beens. Rest In Paradise
Hot, Humid August rolls around my unemployment benefits are at an end, resubmit my updated polished resume to all the different job search engines and I get some calls. Interviews roll through and I get 2 job offers in one day. Which do I choose? It came down to the schedules being offered and so I chose cable. I’m still there, going on the 5 month mark. Some days are longer and harder than others but that is to be expected in Customer Service. I’m still playing catch-up with getting my self-love back on track, I did connect with some cool people on social media whom I could consider friends, maybe one day I’ll share some vocal stylings on this here blog. 😉 I traveled to Toronto a place I’ve always wanted to visit and I booked a trip to Los Angeles in February 2017 , so more travel is definitely on my itinerary for this upcoming year. I learned I am resilient, confident at times, lazy, undeniably cool, charming and blessed.
So 2017 I’m ready for you……Let’s
*gifs courtesy of Giphy.com*
I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.
I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).
This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.
Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.
This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right? I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?
Hi. I’m a mess.
I came back from a road trip recently and some things popped in my head when my best friend said to me on the way home “I thought you were going to get loose, everyone seemed open except you.” Well thanks best friend, if I didn’t like you so much I would’ve pushed you out at the rest area. (I kid) I hate to replay the same narrative over and over so I’ll just say this what people has said about me in the past, I tend to think in the present.
People were not nice in the past, let me tell ya. I believed and believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way to get what you want. In my choosing not to, I’m being a rebel, original and also single, not wealthy and so on and so forth. It’s all in my thoughts right? I’ve read somewhere that thoughts become things, what you think will ultimately be what manifests in real life.
In short, I’m doing horrible at this.
I want to change. I really do.
It’s been a rough 2016 so far. Want to find my light and keep it.