I made a decision of which there is no turning back
It was for my own good
I complained about life, and knew i had to make a choice
Stay silent or use my voice.
The problem is I have so many interests
Where do I start? of which interest to pour my heart?
Take one step at a time they tell me
I just pray my heart doesn't fail me
Like many people I don't want to feel defeat
I want enough money so I can eat
Good, Feel great have a roof over my head.
This too shall pass, my indecision goes away
The riches will come when I find a way
To pursue my passions and not let doubt get in the way
I pray everyday for the universe to guide my steps
I love the freedom to decide what I can do and can't do
So I ask the universe....
Let my true life find me and open my mind to guide me
to a place or occupation that my heart and pockets will
love This I wish on the stars above.
I wrote in a previous blog about finding my tribe, a place where I felt comfortable and safe where I could be myself. Last night our acting class had its first student showcase. I admit I am not the most confident person when it comes to this acting game, but I figure that’s where the acting training comes in. You know fake it till you make it type of ish. Low and behold me and my partner did very well with our scene and we got great reviews.
That part is nerve-racking due to the simple fact that you never know how people will react to any art you will produce. I had to pee 3 times waiting to go on, it was jitters i think or the water that came out of nowhere. I believe the hardest part of this journey that I had to take was the belief in myself that I could do well. In many cases I’m around people who tell people what they want to hear but not give constructive feedback. I hate that, if I suck let me know I feel that’s the only way I can learn and move forward ( I may look at you funny from time to time but its all good).
10 minutes before show time I have my script in my hand and this thought in my head. PLEASE DON”T FUCK THIS UP! Gospel music is playing in my head and the light comes up, we do our scene and do fucking GREAT! I’m genuinely surprised that I remembered my lines and didn’t trip and fall off the stage. Prior to this showcase I had various classmates voice to me what my strengths were and I really couldn’t hear the compliments and receive them in short because I felt I didn’t deserve them.
“Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all”
Well Whitney it’s not THAT easy, it takes work sister girl and by the way (miss you lots). I’m getting to that place slowly and after last night I took a deep breath and let it pour in. You did well brutha man and you deserve all the accolades you’ve received because you’ve worked your ass off. I heard for the first time what my classmates were saying all along. It warmed my heart and filled my eyes with tears that in conjunction with the divine I pray to every night I can love myself enough to NOT discount the good things that people say and dwell on those thoughts instead of the negative.
My tribe is full of creative, free-spirited, talented individuals and I could not be more proud to be in such company. I wish all of us much success in the future and thank you for opening the door to me discovering The Greatest Love of All.
P.S The logo I used is my school that I take classes at with kick-ass teachers, So if you’re interested in taking up acting in the Michigan area give them a call.
I was one of those kids who wanted to try everything but afraid to do most things. I have a lot of admiration for those kids who know what they want and go after it. There’s a list of things Ive wanted to do as careers such as
Fashion Designer
Actor
Filmmaker
Author
Screenwriter
Singer
Dancer
Travel Writer
The thing about being a dreamer is having the follow through to actually do those things. Take classes, see what works for you and what doesn’t. As I’m getting older I’ve found myself in an unhappy place where I’m focusing on all my regrets of what wasn’t instead of what could be. I have let my age and weight dictate far too much of my life. Not following my dreams led me to getting a degree in a field I don’t like much less love.
In November I plan on undertaking a dream of living in another city with no friends or family there. Some people move for work and other reasons, I chalk mine up to a spiritual alignment with growing into the person I should of been before I let fear turn me into the person i don’t really like. Scary yes, necessary yes.
I’ve spent money on things instead of experiences and looking back there are a whole bunch of shoulda, coulda wouldas going on in this brain of mine .As I embark on this next stage of my life I plan on exploring more, writing more, taking more classes, traveling more. We only have one life to live right? When was the last time you followed a dream of yours?
Dream It, Live It, Believe It, Love It
CaesarMarques
P.S If you wanna help a brother out I’m always taking donations. 😉
Those who know me well know that music is a big part of my life, I still own the iPod classic and have close to 7000 songs on it. You can say its the main reason I like going to the gym, not to gain muscle tone or lose weight but to listen to a whole album with no interruption. Putting on headphones or even turning up the volume in my car is almost spiritual. I was trying to think of something to blog about today and this prompt came up, 5 songs you last listened to. I decided to go one step further and pick 5 songs that uplift me, my mood and my singing game (more on that in another post) Here we go….
Can’t Give Up Now- Mary Mary
The overriding theme of this song is of a spiritual nature with lyrics like “I don’t believe he’s brought me this far to leave me” with vocals that if sang live could shake the venue its performed in. It’s gospel music that tells you to never give up and I listen to it during strength training.
Won’t Back Down Eminem feat Pink
A fist pumping anthem that I take as an underdog song with ferocious lyrics by one of the greatest rappers that has ever done it and a chorus sung by my favorite female singer. “You can sound the alarm, you can hold all the cards, you can fence in the yard but I wont back down. Oh no” How can you not get pumped with those lyrics in your ear?
Roar- Katy Perry
A pure and delectable piece of sonic pop candy this song immediately grabbed me with its catchy-ness. I almost did 90 minutes of cardio listening so it deserves special mention. The chorus is played in locker rooms across the US I hear and for good reason what better way to get pumped to win any sports game.
Born This Way Lady GaGa
Another sonic piece of pop candy that is one of the best LGBT anthems of my generation. We are all born a little different and this song celebrates it in a bold way that’s incredibly catchy. My own coming out process benefited heavily from listening to this track basically telling me I’m gonna be alright cause God makes no mistakes. I say Amen to that.
Rise Up- Andra Day
Talk about a track that sneaks up on you. I rarely listen to the radio so I’m normally late on new songs but this was playing at the movie theater of all places. She is a new artist and incredibly talented who writes her own lyrics. The song basically is telling you to get up and seize the day, no matter what and I believe it came right on time in my life.
This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as music goes there are hundreds more I can add but I don’t wanna hold you hostage 😉 So what songs uplift you? When you put on music to get through the day who or what kind captures your soul? Until next time I’ll just be over here with my headphones ….
I’ve had associates, had some friends but what did that get me in the end? Judgements all around about how I get down. Found out it didn’t matter, all that was chit chatter. Whats going on inside I had to find out to make sure my mind was right and to eliminate all doubt.
Because Of You
The world doesn’t seem so cold. The fucks I gave went away. Freedom was living how I wanna live, giving my authentic self out to the world. Take it or leave it was the theme song, I’m kinda glad I lasted this long. Tests all around, snakes in the grass but I had angels on my shoulders making sure I passed.
Superpower
Is the way you dress, to the way you wear your hair. It’s the bass in your voice to the confidence in your walk. It’s in the words you say, the way you kiss. It’s in the causes you believe in, to the places you spend your money. We carry it in our eyes, the fibers of our mind. A damn shame some use it to be unkind.
Rise Up
To the wonders of the world. The different colors of the people. The spectrum of sexuality that makes us all more alike than different. Let the big book pull us together and not tear us apart. let your smile lead to my smile and soon the whole world will smile. Bond in the fight to celebrate our humanness, because lets face it its the one thing we all possess.
Thank you for helping me through, you know who you are.
Photo Courtesy of institute-of-progressive-education-and-learning.org
I have a ritual that I try to stick to every weekend. I try to catch a movie in the theatre. It doesn’t matter if it’s with someone or alone I find it to be a wondrous escape for a couple of hours. Today I saw Ant-Man and while watching the previews I was wondering where are the stories I would like to see? Movies that are coming out in the coming months feature tales of bravery, mobster tales and one of the suavest agents known to man James Bond. When I say stories I’d like to see I mean “BRING THE GAY”! Movies that have a LGBT lead character are few and far between and they are normally in Drama. How about an action movie where the lead is bi-sexual or even gay. Would you see it?
I know there are male executives who’d love to do this type of movie with a female in the lead because it’s okay and appealing for some woman to woman action. I’d personally like to see an action movie where the male lead is gay or bi, does it have to be pornographic, no but I’d like to see myself represented on screen. It’s part of the world people and the mosaic that is movies should reflect all different types of reality.
I have so many ideas that I want to take and expand on, maybe this is my call to action. It has to start somewhere. There is a movie called Legend that stars Tom Hardy as twin mobsters in London, and guess what one of the mobsters is bi. It’s also based on a true story and comes out this fall. I’ll be there on opening weekend.
I’m the first to admit, I’m a voracious reader. There was a bookstore called Borders in my hometown that was my favorite place to be on any day of the week. They also had an outlet store that you could find me in at least once a week. It was there when looking for travel guides I found Seattle. I worked with an older lady who dated a man who lived there and upon talking with him about it I decided right then and there I wanted to visit. This was in 2002. It’s odd because not many people talk about visiting the city because it’s not warm or famous like Los Angeles and it doesn’t have amusement parks like Orlando, the rain gets a bad reputation there.
Photo courtesy of cityshowcase.co.uk
I had it in my heart and in my bones that I would visit. My lady friends’ male companion then passed away and she invited me with her to straighten out some business. I was unable to go because of school, the opportunity passed and I made it a mission to get there. Years passed, I would look at the travel manual every now and again wishing and hoping for a chance. Last year the chance came up and I traveled to Seattle for the first time by myself. Love at first drive it was, no rain on the day I arrived. Mountains, this skyline you see in the picture and it was official I wanted to move there.
The thing about Seattle is that the cost of living is high. One bedroom apartments can be as much as 1000 and up. To park there is not cheap either, I spent close to 50 bucks on parking alone while visiting. Traffic is atrocious compared to where I live now and there was construction being done on the waterfront so that was a hassle. I didn’t wanna be anywhere else though. Some people want to move to places like Atlanta, NYC, Los Angeles and Miami. I felt right at home in Seattle, its liberal kinda weird vibe fit me perfectly.
I decided in 2015 I was gonna make this place my home, so I’ve been making preparations to move there this Oct/Nov. My ultimate goal was to live in the city but if that doesn’t work out I’m happy living on the outskirts. The Love affair continues but like with most love affairs there are some hiccups.
To get a roommate or not?
To get a car or not?
To transfer through my job or find another?
The reason for the Oct/Nov window? I turn in my leased car in at the middle of Oct and my thought process was instead of getting a car here, wait till I get out west. It’s also time for a life change to be honest. I feel like I’m living but I don’t feel Alive. All positive vibes and prayers are appreciated, so I can make this move happen. Fear stay away….
“The breakdown is simple: 80 percent of the time you focus on eating clean, good-for-you foods, and 20 percent of the time you have the freedom to indulge as you please. Don’t be concerned about the math, but it’s simple: if you eat three square meals a day, three of those meals every week are your 20 percent cheat meals; if you eat five small meals a day, then seven of those small meals are up for grabs” -Lizzie Fuhr/PopSugar.com
I admit when I’m happy I want to eat, when I’m sad I want to eat. It’s ingrained in my soul. Eat good and eat well. The problem is you can gain weight from doing it. (I know shameful ain’t it) My clothes fit so I haven’t worried too much until I saw myself on camera. Holy bank of America shit cans, I look huge and sloppy and unattractive and every other bad thing you can throw in the mix. I cried about it for a couple of days (literally) but decided to do something about it.
As I was looking at older pictures of a skinnier me, I went back to a time when I consumed no more than 1400 calories a day but lost close to 90 pounds. I couldn’t keep that up so I gained some of it back. What I discovered was that with eating certain foods I felt lighter my stomach felt better and I was more joyful. (I know, hard to believe) I follow several fitness “experts” on social media and this one principle stood out the most 80% good meals and 20% bad but delicious meals.
I took that as eat more of this
Courtesy of kitchenmagic-blogspot.com
Eat less of this
Photo Courtesy of USATODAY.com
I put a plan to work, eat salads on my lunch break, bring a protein bar as well as to not snack on unhealthy foods and what do ya know I’ve lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Small steps I have to remember but wouldn’t it be nice to lose 10 pounds quickly just by eating salads! (yes) I’m learning to not beat myself up over my chocolate milkshake slip-ups. After all I’m human (for those who were wondering). I’ll keep you posted on how this journey turns out. I have some big life changes planned that will be taking place before 2016 and will be using this platform to vent and celebrate.
Don’t shrink or limit yourself to fit anyones mold of how THEY think you should be. Growing up I tried to adjust to whatever the situation called for. That being said it was act straight among straight people and act queer among queer folk.
WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE!!!
I like what I like and that’s that, I can’t pretend anymore. Find friends who are accepting of ALL of you and not just parts of you. Energy along with time is precious and shouldn’t be wasted.There are folks who will love the true you and life will be all the better for it. I found that out this weekend.
It’s not me, sorry its fashion photography. A way to express what you feel inside or not. Selling clothes and or dreams, baubles and diamonds. I’ve always been interested in becoming something else. Through modeling, acting and just plain pretend my expression game was strong. Salt-n-Pepa rapped a song, Madonna wrote a smash hit on the subject, im gonna let it out.
Years passed, being noticed became the focus. My ideas lost on the surface trying the new clothes, the new objects to become cool. I lost myself because we all know that we wanna be adored for who we are and sometimes for who we are not. My sexuality became wrapped up in it liking girls, liking boys liking nothing at all. I had to decide, go broke being what others wanna see or go broke doing me.
Tattoos with sayings came into view, colorful clothes bathed my big body. I didn’t care the situation was mine to control. Live by my rules or die. Friends be damned the right ones would come to appreciate a dude who lives by his own code, lives to love and slowly growing to love to live.
Admiring his tattooed body, admiring her strong cheek bones and kick ass nature became the norm. I wanna be like them or what the picture shows. Rebel not caring either way. lose friends gain friends lose love gain love it’s all a game.The problem is I’m ready to play, with my heart with my soul find the golden rules change them all, in the name of expressing myself.
I’m not getting any younger the world is becoming more accepting of me.I shouldnt care but sometimes I do. Wrapped up in Facebook likes and retweets it gets addicting, the need for approval. I/it has to stop. My need to stand out is strong. I’m becoming more and more myself everyday and the people who love me for it are who im gonna stick by. expression through music, movies, acting, fashion are what im about.
koolest1uknow 