I found my tribe… Part 2

Full Definition of ACTOR

: one that acts : doer

a : one who represents a character in a dramatic productionb : a theatrical performerc : one who behaves as if acting a part

Picture it, the year was 1992 a young man was reading the newspaper like any teenager would be doing. He sees a casting notice for a movie, Sister Act 2 to be exact and decides to ask his mom to take him to the audition. Her response “Naw boy, for what? Now you know you can’t sing.” Devastated with not getting the chance to try out, this young fella spends his teenage years loving an art form from afar not trying any arts because of those words from his mother. Putting all his feelings into writing was how he got through, reading every book on moviemaking, acting and the like while thinking one day one day.That young man was me.

For a long time my nickname in any game was Supastar because I knew I could do it, would do it. However those words (my moms) echoed in my head for a number of years and suffice it to say, you can’t be a supastar sitting on your couch eating Doritos. I tried it.I would tell some people my plans for the future because I could talk a good game like nobodies business but follow thru was/is not my strong suit. Years of being unhappy with where my life was going (working in a kitchen for the rest of my life, umm no thanks) and getting a college degree in a field that could make money but ultimately not something i wanted nor cared to do.I got to thinking.

Youre not getting any younger, you’re already Sallie Mae’s Lil bitch. Do what you need to do. (Shout out to Oprah and Deepak’s meditation series, it also helped me figure some things out). In January, I started taking acting classes. Scary at first because of the childhood ish I suddenly remembered but then I fell in like with it. in the second class it turned to love! The world was mines for the taking, no limits were on me. I did my first acting showcase and things were gravy!

Started a third class were part of the acting is done on camera and you get to see your performance for techniques and critiques. First class I almost had a nervous breakdown, is that me on the screen? No! Oh Hell to the Naw! WTF! I kinda knew going in that I don’t have the standard black hollywood male look (chiseled by gods with platinum tools). What kind of screen roles could I go for? Just negative thoughts invading my brain for the longest time. I decided I’d be a theatre actor, I wont have to see those performances right? The long rehearsal schedules are cool if that’s all you’re doing but with a 9 to 5, it gets rough.

I was on YouTube watching some performance videos and saw an interview with Mary Mary, in it one of the ladies say “He gave YOU a gift, he doesn’t want you to be anyone else. There’s already one of us, be you and do you.” I am paraphrasing here but the message is here. Just as I was asking my angels for a message to guide me through I come across this video. I’m sticking with this class and this art form. Hard as it may seem I will never look like Micheal Ealy or Shemar Moore ( the light-skinned acting brigade) and that’s gonna have to be ok.

I went out on a limb and signed up with some fellow school mates to participate in a 48 hour film challenge. Putting together a movie in 48 hours is no walk in the park. I enjoyed it and loved the experience. Watching myself on camera is gonna be another battle, im still not used to it. Cant I be one of those actors who does films but never watches them? I’m loving the creative people I get to meet through schooling and actual shooting. I call these time capsule moments. It may never happen again but in that time, in that place, everything was as it was meant to be.I’m liking my life more now, what a great feeling!

CaesarMarques

Have a Little Faith In Me

Faith is something i’ve grown to have because it gets me through my life. I believe the Universe has something out there for me that is better than what i’m dealing with now.

I come back from taking some vacation days to my place of employment and basically there’s a mess. My response is

You were so busy that you couldn’t do the right thing and clean up after yourself? I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know how much longer I can take working at this place. This is where my faith has strongly played a part in my life.

I’ve only had 2 full-time jobs in my life and one ended because the company went out of business. My faith allowed me to pursue this opportunity knowing I’d get it so I can make the transition from job to job without being unemployed. The problem is that I got complacent and stayed at this job I don’t like for way too long and now it and most people who work there are getting under my skin. Dude, why are you still there you ask? The money is decent and my passion is in the creative arts which in my midwestern town,finding jobs that pay can be iffy.

I started about a year ago applying heavily to jobs in my actual degree and the response that was most popular was not enough experience. How can I get experience if no one will hire me?! Faith at this point is on the downward slide, I’ve asked the universe why am I not finding work that can pay my bills while pursuing my real passion and vocation. Quit my job and hope another comes along seems so foreign to me and to be honest stupid. I don’t want to go back after quitting because I know I could.

Prayer has helped me in some dicey situations and I try to pray at least once a day. All the solutions I’ve come up with seems so far-fetched that it seems improbable. Is that what faith is? Knowing that the solutions I am praying for, are for my own good even though they seem so out of what I would do on my own. I’ve gotten back up after setbacks because I had to. uncertainty in my future is crazy when my way of living is jeopardized but maybe that’s when Faith needs to be strongest.

Is the Universe saying have a little faith in me? Is the Universe saying believe I can and will provide for you!

Its hard work but seems like the best option.

Caesar Marques

Who Wants to Marry Me?

*From a conversation with my mom* ” I bought new bowls because I don’t know what your dad does with the other ones, he takes them out and I never see them again. I just don’t get it, boy I tell ya.” My reply “he’s been like that for 30 years you should know by now. This is what you signed up for when you married this man” Her reply “If you don’t shut up about what I signed up for”.

I’ve been waiting a couple of days to write about this topic because I wanted to get my thoughts together because I tend to ramble on and on. On Friday June 26,2015 the Supreme Court voted that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states!!! I am a same gender loving fella so this benefits me someday. However I was surprised by overwhelming emotions upon hearing this news. Tears filled my eyes when the e-mail came through for the many couples who want this and now have the chance to be recognized. I never saw myself as getting married partly because of my low self- esteem among other things (hey I’m honest).

Do I think society will crumble because of this news? No the world will go on just as it was before only difference is that instead of having commitment ceremonies there will be weddings for same-sex couples. I made the mistake of going on Facebook that same day and my heart was punched repeatedly by reading some nasty, hateful comments made by “Christians”.I believe there is a god, I believe he preaches love among ALL people. I have never read the bible cover to cover (not enough suspense, sex, drugs and all that stuff that makes a book go bestseller) but there are some that have and will tell you how to live your life according to this book.

“Only that which is directly written by God’s Hand can be said to be free of errors and to be absolutely true in every way. All the other works are prone to all the errors that human beings are prone: poor memory and forgetfulness, lack of understanding and so on and so forth. This is not to say that these works are not of value; on the contrary they are of great value but with the caveat that sometimes the works were written down decades after the passing away of the original truth-bringer, as for example, the teaching of Jesus.Only Divinity is Perfect and as such a Work or Writing that proceeds from Divinity’s Hand would be perfect and all-embracing, devoid of any form of errors. Therefore no religious teaching of today can claim the absolute right to an unadulterated Message from God since none of the teachings have been written by God’s Hand Himself but only through His Messengers who as described above were human beings and as such prone to all the errors that we human beings are prone.”

–In The Light Of Truth: The Grail Message by Abd-ru-shin. The Stiftung Gralsbotschaft Publishing Company, Stuttgart, Germany 1990

We are all entitled to believe what we want to believe and feel how we want to feel. That being said I am fully ready to embrace how I feel and not put up with negative energies of those whose love is conditional. To the single christian brothers and sisters, have you ever thought that the reason you are still looking for the Mr and Mrs in your life is because you spend so much energy trying to put down someone else marrying their Mr and Mrs? What we put out comes back to us I believe, so all that hatred could be blocking your blessings.

Lets be honest there’s racism all around us that hasn’t went away, there seems to be a total disregard for life when someone can go into a block party and shoot it up knowing there are kids there.You cant procreate if there is nobody left on the planet, right? I’m sure in time the support will come, hopefully while I’m still alive. Its a shame that its more prevalent in the African-American community being that it took us so long to get all our rights.

The lesson I’ve learned is that you need thick skin to live in this society and be yourself. To live your truth whatever it may be. The joker in me wants to go to some baptist churches and pass out wedding planning services for same-sex couples. I’m gonna continue to keep praying that the world starts coming together and not get divided. We are stronger together than apart.

Going back to the conversation with my mom, that is what you sign up for the good and the bad. Gay couples will be no different from straight couples, we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna get divorced. It’s life and it changes, get on the bandwagon or get left behind.So on a lighter note, I’m thinking night-time at a beach candles lit nice breeze for a wedding. I can cook, keep a clean house, good credit. Who wants to marry me?

CaesarMarques

Open Letter to Melissa McCarthy

Dear Melissa,

We are not friends yet but I hope to meet you in the near future. I just recently saw your movie Spy and I enjoyed it immensely to the point where I may see it again. (rarely happens for me, you know how much movie tickets cost nowadays?) As an aspiring actor I look for little facets of myself in people I watch on-screen and in you my dear I see a lot of me. I was told i’m naturally funny in acting class especially when im not trying to be, which could be good and bad. We shall see.

I do want to apologize because I never saw you on Gilmore Girls and up until recently never watched an episode of Mike and Molly. The movie is where you caught my eye. Bridesmaids was hilarious and pretty much you were my reason for buying the Blu-Ray. I think some others enjoyed your performance because hello Oscar nominee. I’m just saying. What brought this letter on you might be asking (or your assistant, depending on who’s reading your mail).

One of my local newscasters reviewed Spy and one of his comments was that he was sick of you playing the same character over and over in different movies. Youre an actress, I’m an actor so I get it but what a shitty opinion to have! First of all you play what you’re good at. Second I believe that there are so many layers to being a comedian especially a funny one that many people don’t realize there are subtle differences in each movie role. Would I love to see you put on makeup and play a deranged killer or a football loving mom who takes in a homeless kid, yes but I’m ready when you are.

Your physicality when tackling any role is awe-inspiring. I’m a big(er) black dude who is trying to get over my fear of letting my bigger size define who I am as an actor instead of just being in the moment, in the character and in the scene. It takes some of my emotion away when I’m worried about how I look instead of going full-tilt boogie at every turn. Its a process and I’m learning. Your performances on SNL are legendary in my book.

I saw Spy before I did my first acting showcase for school and watching you gave me confidence to be the best I can be in that moment and I believe it strengthened my performance for the better. Just know you have fans from all walks of life and are inspiring to us all. You are a divine treasure in this world and I’m so lucky to see you shine on that big screen.

My Shield…..#poetry

I had to draw you in with a story to tell

about a man some people pretend to know so well.

I’ve struggled with weight for a bulk of my life eating burgers and shakes

I never thought twice. Entering my mid 30’s this year shined a light

so bright that I had to face my truth. It can construed as a guard between me and the

world, a buffer to keep people away because society says big is bad

Thinking like that can keep you from the life you were meant to have

In my life it has kept me out of fights, out of love, out of physical entrapments

that could open my eyes to what the world really is and could be. Its sad I know

you don’t realize how much you can grow from learning that there’s a place for everyone

and feeling sorry for yourself can be a turn off. Burn off the stinky recesses of the past

so that your future can be a blast. newfound appreciation was found when I looked in the mirror

and saw my invisible crown, sword ,scepter and shield took it off and what was revealed?

Me in my glory only as happy as I chose to be its only up to me to have the life that’s meant to be

Opening my heart will be one of the greatest battles of my life I’m gonna need all the support that

the universe will give. In the end it’s gonna be all good no pressure no cooker all love.

The shield comes off, is this when truly enjoying your life begins?

CaesarMarques

…But it’s so comfortable in My Comfort Zone #Essay

Photo Credit: Geekologie.com

Acting class is going well, the tribe are a bunch of awesomely talented group of people. Which brings me to my dilemma, how to stay confident in a group where you perceive that people are better than you with more experience. I have always had some issues with my memory and now memorizing lines just drives me bat-shit crazy. I rehearse with my scene partner, do good and get in front of the instructor and start to forget shit. You do realize that people do this type of stuff 8 shows a week with singing added!

I’m trying to be better at every turn and when I’m watching these amazing people my confidence drops a little. How to stay in a place of gratitude and confidence when you are in the company of performers? You see I havent had this issue before because I’ve never did something I wanted to do. I stay in my comfortable place and let life pass me by until this year. Acting has been a eye-opening lesson in so many ways, opening up to a lesson about myself.

My ego thought I would get in this class and kill it. The reality is that I’m new and I need training. Is it gonna come easy like it does to everyone else? Maybe or maybe not. I honestly thought of not going forward, not because I can’t afford it (I can make it work) but because I don’t wanna waste time on something I like versus finding something I love (writing and directing). It’s all confusing and I don’t wanna seem lost when I pretty much am. I was the kid who wanted to do EVERYTHING for a job.

How do I get out of this rut. Go to Acting 3 because it’s the last of the series and I can learn more, while putting what I’ve learned in my acting toolbox. Take a writing class and develop that skill. Take a directing class and develop that skill. Admit I’m scared shitless that the vision in my head of Joe Q Oscar Winner could never come? There’s a lot to think about before June 23rd when the next class starts.

How do you get out of your comfort zone?

P.S Isnt that Spiderman Bed the coolest??

CaesarMarques

Kids : Thinking About Them #Essay

Do men have biological clocks to? I’ve been wondering because when I see fathers with their kids I have a slight case of longing, like I’m missing something. I am 5 years from 40 so that could be it. I also have 12 nieces and nephews that I can see for a weekend and be ready to send them home afterwards. Theres nothing like having your own. My situation is different in the fact that I’m 90% sure I will not end up with a lady as my life partner. I don’t know if you people know this and be prepared to be blown away if you don’t, two men CAN NOT biologically have children. Crazy ain’t it.

That leaves some options though:

Surrogacy- I hear it costs a shit ton of money but you get to pick your surrogate and the child has your genes but again you need money.

Adoption- Costs Money (of course) Options on where to pick your child from anywhere in the world that won’t deny a single parent or even worse a gay couple.

Pretending to be Straight, Knocking up a lady and suing for primary custody: Costs money and takes too much time. You’d have to get courts involved, hurt feelings everywhere. It’s still an option.

Where do I go from here? Continue to daydream and hope a stork drops one out of the sky? It’s still in the planning stages because there are men who do this as a single parent which I know isn’t easy. I can barely afford to clothe and feed myself and now I want a kid? Hard to believe for some but my heart is good and I’d make a wonderful but stern teddy bear of a dad. Just thought I’d throw this out into the universe.

Now to go make some money or better yet marry some money 😉

CaesarMarques

Facebook or Not was the question???….#ESSAY

Two years have passed and I’m back on Facebook. I originally deactivated my account because I wanted to start a blog about my adventures in life and Facebook would take up too much of my time or that’s what I told people. The truth would be slightly different and a bit how should I say this, pathetic.

One reason we struggle with insecurity is that we’re comparing our behind the scenes to every else’s highlight reel”.- Pastor Steven Furtick

I was seeing all my “friends” have awesome adventures with their lives and i was scraping, scrimping and just doing enough to get by. No love to call my own so I LOVED the wedding announcements, hadn’t taken an actual vacation since I was a teenager so I LOVED the beach snaps. In short I was jealous and insecure about what I thought my life should be like compared to these people some who I admit I befriended just to be nosey, or if they were cute. A lil of both actually. I read the above quote numerous times in different places and thought hmm, I heard she got dumped but that wasnt on FB and I heard his band sucked donkey balls but no pics of that on FB. My allusions were shattered.

We are all human beings who face life’s up and downs, we ALL want a pat on the back or a like for a job well done or a pic nicely taken (yes you do). FB can be used to keep in touch with family far away and classmates from that 10 year reunion for better or worse. I also decided that in going back to FB that I wasnt going to be private for the sake of who might hear or see my thoughts. I didn’t want to overshare in the past, afraid that my sister or other close relatives would get upset, alert the media or worse call me and keep me on the phone for hours. It’s my reality, my page and to hell with what anybody else thinks including family.

I’ve just started getting in the acting game, taking classes and such and wisely my teacher suggested using FB as a tool for finding out about auditions. That pushed me back on FB. I havent regretted it yet and I’ve connected with some of the tribe from my acting world on there. I’m gonna keep an open mind and not stress about it. Everybody has a right to tell their story to anyone who follows them as do I. If shit doesn’t pan out I can always deactivate again.

CaesarMarques

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free……#ESSAY

Watching the Bruce Jenner interview on ABC got me to thinking about my own life and what it means to live a true authentic life at any age. Knowing you are different and choosing not to honor it can have many repercussions on your psyche, your life and your mental state. Its not easy to go against what society thinks or what your family has raised you to be.

As I get older I believe that we choose the life thats less painful for us. We want to be accepted at a young age for who and what we are but peer pressure and puberty can do a job on confusing the feelings. It did on me for sure. I’ve always had feelings for boys since I was a young kid not thinking there was strange about it. That was until I told a fellow female classmate I thought another dude was cute, shit hit the fan and then I realized that maybe I should keep all my feelings to myself.I guess it didnt help that I had a fashionista for a big sister while watching her and her quest to look better than everybody else, I wanted to as well.

Elementary school couldnt tell me nothing about clothing. I was the flyest dude in that school at least I thought. Did they talk about me? Hell to the yeah, but I really don’t remember caring as much. In fact I thought I looked so good I wanted to be a model. Then middle school happened. It seemed that every bad thing people thought of me AMPLIFIED in my mind so I ate and slept. We wore uniforms so there wasn’t a big fashion craze at the school but on certain days when there was a free day I wore my best outfits. Lol It kinda of gotten to a point where personal hygiene wasn’t as important as it should’ve been and let me tell ya BAD IDEA!

So I ate and slept some more then High School happened, I was a huge, smelly mess of a dude all to hide the REAL me. I became known as the Smart-Ass around the school, people talked about me but it never got physical for me. I believe there is a big difference in my mind between teasing and being bullied. I was teased but I still gained a best friend and people who were cool with me for some reason or another. I rarely dated if ever so I didnt have the quintessental teenage guy experience that is so awkwardly portrayed on TV and Film.

Some people started to suspect as I grew up and left High School that I was into dudes. The world was a bitter cold place to me and I admired and envied those folks who could be themselves. I started working for a grocery store in the suburbs when I was 19 and I saw all these colorful people who were just fine as they were and accepted me as such. Walls that I placed around myself s l o w l y came crashing down. I started dating dudes more while testing the waters with family asking specific questions about other people seeing the reactions.

In my world today I still get nervous when talking about my life with co-workers, new friends etc. I believe the Internet helped in a big way with information, connections with like-minded people and such. My family is supportive for the most part but I haven’t brought anyone home yet so that may or may not change. Freedom for me would be not caring at all what anyone else thinks and doing me to the best of my ability. Thank you Bruce for your inspiring story and waking me up to realize what true authentic courage is. My journey to freedom starts today..

P.S The young lady singing one of my favorite anthems is Emeli Sande. She’s incredible and if you’ve never heard her albums, treat yourself. We also share a birthday!!!

I FOUND MY TRIBE Y’ALL…. #ESSAY

When I was younger my aunt used to babysit me, everyday at 1pm I had to be quiet because the “stories” were on. What are “stories” you might ask, they are really soap operas but in black households they were called “stories”. Usually when asked what you are watching you would just blurt out the channel. My aunties channel was ABC. I grew up watching Loving, All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital. It kind of put a passion in me to wanna know how these people acted so crazy and or funny so effortlessly. It started me also thinking of storytelling in a way that was over the top (The classic catfight in the pool) or serious (Character dying from a disease). In a way it has shaped the way I write fiction and the hobby I’m pursing now.

This year ive decided to spend money on experiences more than mere possessions. I’ve always wanted to act, sing, dance, write , fashion design, architect, paint, be a world leader and a superhero. When I got older and self-doubt crept in, built a mansion, furnished it and would not leave I didn’t pursue what my passions were I pursued what others wanted me to be. That got old fast I tell ya. Depression decided to rent a room and the mansion got so crowded that something had to give. I slowly came to realize what wasnt working and went and made plans to fix it. I tried an acting class.

My expectations for acting 1 were high, I mean after all I watched enough soap operas to cry on cue or get angry with the snap of a finger. The focus was on individual preparation and completing a monologue. I did ok, my teacher kept saying more emotion. I thought I gave it all I had, ended up being so disappointed in myself that I declined to do the student showcase at the end of the semester. The next acting class was to focus on scene work with a partner and you HAD to do the student showcase. I’m no punk so I enrolled in acting 2.

One of the best decisions in my life. There are 5 students from the previous class so the comfort level was there, but add 11 more people from other classes and you get some of the most creative, inspiring people I’ve encountered in a long time in one room. 4 hours of laughter, fun and we are all there to learn and do a good job. It’s the one day of the week I look forward to, I can be my true self with no judgement. There’s no grades so there’s no competition and that takes a load off.

I encourage anyone reading this to pick a hobby/passion that you’ve abandoned for whatever reason and give it another try. Small steps are always better than no steps at all. I’m having a great time and I’m truly thankful.

You never know, you may see me on your movie or TV screen soon

I found my tribe y’all…… It only took 35 years

Full Definition of ACTOR

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this: