Oh and here’s something about life….#essay

To Whom It May Concern,

Don’t shrink or limit yourself to fit anyones mold of how THEY think you should be. Growing up I tried to adjust to whatever the situation called for. That being said it was act straight among straight people and act queer among queer folk.

WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE!!!

I like what I like and that’s that, I can’t pretend anymore. Find friends who are accepting of ALL of you and not just parts of you. Energy along with time is precious and shouldn’t be wasted.There are folks who will love the true you and life will be all the better for it. I found that out this weekend.

Love Yourself, Love Others

CaesarMarques

Express Yourself….

It’s not me, sorry its fashion photography. A way to express what you feel inside or not. Selling clothes and or dreams, baubles and diamonds. I’ve always been interested in becoming something else. Through modeling, acting and just plain pretend my expression game was strong. Salt-n-Pepa rapped a song, Madonna wrote a smash hit on the subject, im gonna let it out.

Years passed, being noticed became the focus. My ideas lost on the surface trying the new clothes, the new objects to become cool. I lost myself because we all know that we wanna be adored for who we are and sometimes for who we are not. My sexuality became wrapped up in it liking girls, liking boys liking nothing at all. I had to decide, go broke being what others wanna see or go broke doing me.

Tattoos with sayings came into view, colorful clothes bathed my big body. I didn’t care the situation was mine to control. Live by my rules or die. Friends be damned the right ones would come to appreciate a dude who lives by his own code, lives to love and slowly growing to love to live.

Admiring his tattooed body, admiring her strong cheek bones and kick ass nature became the norm. I wanna be like them or what the picture shows. Rebel not caring either way. lose friends gain friends lose love gain love it’s all a game.The problem is I’m ready to play, with my heart with my soul find the golden rules change them all, in the name of expressing myself.

I’m not getting any younger the world is becoming more accepting of me.I shouldnt care but sometimes I do. Wrapped up in Facebook likes and retweets it gets addicting, the need for approval. I/it has to stop. My need to stand out is strong. I’m becoming more and more myself everyday and the people who love me for it are who im gonna stick by. expression through music, movies, acting, fashion are what im about.

Join in. Lets start a revolution!

CaesarMarques

Selective Cropping

Love it! Hilarious!

I found my tribe… Part 2

Full Definition of ACTOR

: one that acts : doer

a : one who represents a character in a dramatic productionb : a theatrical performerc : one who behaves as if acting a part

Picture it, the year was 1992 a young man was reading the newspaper like any teenager would be doing. He sees a casting notice for a movie, Sister Act 2 to be exact and decides to ask his mom to take him to the audition. Her response “Naw boy, for what? Now you know you can’t sing.” Devastated with not getting the chance to try out, this young fella spends his teenage years loving an art form from afar not trying any arts because of those words from his mother. Putting all his feelings into writing was how he got through, reading every book on moviemaking, acting and the like while thinking one day one day.That young man was me.

For a long time my nickname in any game was Supastar because I knew I could do it, would do it. However those words (my moms) echoed in my head for a number of years and suffice it to say, you can’t be a supastar sitting on your couch eating Doritos. I tried it.I would tell some people my plans for the future because I could talk a good game like nobodies business but follow thru was/is not my strong suit. Years of being unhappy with where my life was going (working in a kitchen for the rest of my life, umm no thanks) and getting a college degree in a field that could make money but ultimately not something i wanted nor cared to do.I got to thinking.

Youre not getting any younger, you’re already Sallie Mae’s Lil bitch. Do what you need to do. (Shout out to Oprah and Deepak’s meditation series, it also helped me figure some things out). In January, I started taking acting classes. Scary at first because of the childhood ish I suddenly remembered but then I fell in like with it. in the second class it turned to love! The world was mines for the taking, no limits were on me. I did my first acting showcase and things were gravy!

Started a third class were part of the acting is done on camera and you get to see your performance for techniques and critiques. First class I almost had a nervous breakdown, is that me on the screen? No! Oh Hell to the Naw! WTF! I kinda knew going in that I don’t have the standard black hollywood male look (chiseled by gods with platinum tools). What kind of screen roles could I go for? Just negative thoughts invading my brain for the longest time. I decided I’d be a theatre actor, I wont have to see those performances right? The long rehearsal schedules are cool if that’s all you’re doing but with a 9 to 5, it gets rough.

I was on YouTube watching some performance videos and saw an interview with Mary Mary, in it one of the ladies say “He gave YOU a gift, he doesn’t want you to be anyone else. There’s already one of us, be you and do you.” I am paraphrasing here but the message is here. Just as I was asking my angels for a message to guide me through I come across this video. I’m sticking with this class and this art form. Hard as it may seem I will never look like Micheal Ealy or Shemar Moore ( the light-skinned acting brigade) and that’s gonna have to be ok.

I went out on a limb and signed up with some fellow school mates to participate in a 48 hour film challenge. Putting together a movie in 48 hours is no walk in the park. I enjoyed it and loved the experience. Watching myself on camera is gonna be another battle, im still not used to it. Cant I be one of those actors who does films but never watches them? I’m loving the creative people I get to meet through schooling and actual shooting. I call these time capsule moments. It may never happen again but in that time, in that place, everything was as it was meant to be.I’m liking my life more now, what a great feeling!

CaesarMarques

When you feel some kinda way…

Saw myself on-screen horrified at the sight

When will this darkness that overtakes me come into the light.

Theres a lot of well wishes but what will that get me.

Drink You Away

I can’t, one addiction I’ve never succumbed to

How easy that alcohol would be the place I would run to

My taste buds don’t favor.

Therapy

Did wonders but ended years later, the talking helped

getting the grit and grime off my mind. I walked away free

or so I thought.

Heart to Yours

Wearing my heart on my sleeve takes a toll especially when I here

other sad stories unfold. I don’t want to be a burden so I prefer a journal

where I can pour my heart out without judgement.

Beautiful

Linda Perry wrote a song, words can’t bring me down but what if they’re

your own? You try to rise above stay on higher ground and look for love of yourself

which is somewhere underground.

That’s What Friends Are For

Wonderful, talented, encouraging but are they telling me the truth or telling me what

they think I wanna hear? Words can become flowers or weapons but only you decide

which, another thing to consider on this journey.

In My Feelings

It happens sometimes, I know guys aren’t supposed to show feeling and emotion but I’m not that dude. Giving a fuck is becoming a thing of the past oh how can I get that feeling to last. Doing me best the way I know how and trying to make it work.

CaesarMarques

Have a Little Faith In Me

Faith is something i’ve grown to have because it gets me through my life. I believe the Universe has something out there for me that is better than what i’m dealing with now.

I come back from taking some vacation days to my place of employment and basically there’s a mess. My response is

You were so busy that you couldn’t do the right thing and clean up after yourself? I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know how much longer I can take working at this place. This is where my faith has strongly played a part in my life.

I’ve only had 2 full-time jobs in my life and one ended because the company went out of business. My faith allowed me to pursue this opportunity knowing I’d get it so I can make the transition from job to job without being unemployed. The problem is that I got complacent and stayed at this job I don’t like for way too long and now it and most people who work there are getting under my skin. Dude, why are you still there you ask? The money is decent and my passion is in the creative arts which in my midwestern town,finding jobs that pay can be iffy.

I started about a year ago applying heavily to jobs in my actual degree and the response that was most popular was not enough experience. How can I get experience if no one will hire me?! Faith at this point is on the downward slide, I’ve asked the universe why am I not finding work that can pay my bills while pursuing my real passion and vocation. Quit my job and hope another comes along seems so foreign to me and to be honest stupid. I don’t want to go back after quitting because I know I could.

Prayer has helped me in some dicey situations and I try to pray at least once a day. All the solutions I’ve come up with seems so far-fetched that it seems improbable. Is that what faith is? Knowing that the solutions I am praying for, are for my own good even though they seem so out of what I would do on my own. I’ve gotten back up after setbacks because I had to. uncertainty in my future is crazy when my way of living is jeopardized but maybe that’s when Faith needs to be strongest.

Is the Universe saying have a little faith in me? Is the Universe saying believe I can and will provide for you!

Its hard work but seems like the best option.

Caesar Marques

Who Wants to Marry Me?

*From a conversation with my mom* ” I bought new bowls because I don’t know what your dad does with the other ones, he takes them out and I never see them again. I just don’t get it, boy I tell ya.” My reply “he’s been like that for 30 years you should know by now. This is what you signed up for when you married this man” Her reply “If you don’t shut up about what I signed up for”.

I’ve been waiting a couple of days to write about this topic because I wanted to get my thoughts together because I tend to ramble on and on. On Friday June 26,2015 the Supreme Court voted that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states!!! I am a same gender loving fella so this benefits me someday. However I was surprised by overwhelming emotions upon hearing this news. Tears filled my eyes when the e-mail came through for the many couples who want this and now have the chance to be recognized. I never saw myself as getting married partly because of my low self- esteem among other things (hey I’m honest).

Do I think society will crumble because of this news? No the world will go on just as it was before only difference is that instead of having commitment ceremonies there will be weddings for same-sex couples. I made the mistake of going on Facebook that same day and my heart was punched repeatedly by reading some nasty, hateful comments made by “Christians”.I believe there is a god, I believe he preaches love among ALL people. I have never read the bible cover to cover (not enough suspense, sex, drugs and all that stuff that makes a book go bestseller) but there are some that have and will tell you how to live your life according to this book.

“Only that which is directly written by God’s Hand can be said to be free of errors and to be absolutely true in every way. All the other works are prone to all the errors that human beings are prone: poor memory and forgetfulness, lack of understanding and so on and so forth. This is not to say that these works are not of value; on the contrary they are of great value but with the caveat that sometimes the works were written down decades after the passing away of the original truth-bringer, as for example, the teaching of Jesus.Only Divinity is Perfect and as such a Work or Writing that proceeds from Divinity’s Hand would be perfect and all-embracing, devoid of any form of errors. Therefore no religious teaching of today can claim the absolute right to an unadulterated Message from God since none of the teachings have been written by God’s Hand Himself but only through His Messengers who as described above were human beings and as such prone to all the errors that we human beings are prone.”

–In The Light Of Truth: The Grail Message by Abd-ru-shin. The Stiftung Gralsbotschaft Publishing Company, Stuttgart, Germany 1990

We are all entitled to believe what we want to believe and feel how we want to feel. That being said I am fully ready to embrace how I feel and not put up with negative energies of those whose love is conditional. To the single christian brothers and sisters, have you ever thought that the reason you are still looking for the Mr and Mrs in your life is because you spend so much energy trying to put down someone else marrying their Mr and Mrs? What we put out comes back to us I believe, so all that hatred could be blocking your blessings.

Lets be honest there’s racism all around us that hasn’t went away, there seems to be a total disregard for life when someone can go into a block party and shoot it up knowing there are kids there.You cant procreate if there is nobody left on the planet, right? I’m sure in time the support will come, hopefully while I’m still alive. Its a shame that its more prevalent in the African-American community being that it took us so long to get all our rights.

The lesson I’ve learned is that you need thick skin to live in this society and be yourself. To live your truth whatever it may be. The joker in me wants to go to some baptist churches and pass out wedding planning services for same-sex couples. I’m gonna continue to keep praying that the world starts coming together and not get divided. We are stronger together than apart.

Going back to the conversation with my mom, that is what you sign up for the good and the bad. Gay couples will be no different from straight couples, we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna get divorced. It’s life and it changes, get on the bandwagon or get left behind.So on a lighter note, I’m thinking night-time at a beach candles lit nice breeze for a wedding. I can cook, keep a clean house, good credit. Who wants to marry me?

CaesarMarques

I Miss Him…. A Poem

There were times when the world seemed so open, problems didn’t hit me as hard

When coloring was the shit and getting a 64 count crayon box meant you were blessed

From deciding what Matchbox cars to play with, what Lego fixtures I could build

I Miss Him

The couple of dollars I could make from raking the grass, the jumping on any couch or bed

to almost breaking down when I didn’t get what I want. My oh my time goes by fast

When hearing the Ice Cream truck brought so much joy and a sweet tooth to match

I Miss Him

Growing older, I really understood what the world thought of me and not having the tools

to not give a damn, I gave in. Walls went up, heart in a lockbox gasping for air

Thinking if I was “normal” things would be ok

I Wanna Hug Him

Knowing that what I believe matters above all else, tides have changed the water is less choppy

the greatest love of all was so easy to achieve, right under my nose, the smell of freedom

the clouds are blue again.

I Am Him

CaesarMarques

Me #POETRY

I knew he existed just had to find him somewhere

all the times that life kept him under wraps

It was a pleasure to know he had my back

Confident, Courageous, Cocky he can appear to be

as I dug deep in the spirit of all that is me.

He comes to play at different times, he’s picky about

the energy he shares, at some points you can look at him

and it may seem that there are no cares. Hiding is crucial

because of what society deems the right thing to be, say or act

As a matter of fact the light that shines so bright can be dimmed by certain

words of no fault of his own just a insecurity overgrown

Its getting easier as the years go by, love of self is a virtue that comes to

play almost every day. Watching, waiting, hoping, praying that it never goes away

the intense desire to be, feel and radiate true unconditional love. When it goes to the universe

and boomerangs back you never think of the lack

lack of money, lack of significant other, lack of friendships, lack of honesty

With yourself and others because of the fear that comes with it. It’s never enough

It will never be enough but you are enough some people look at you and see

all that you don’t the goodness, the funny, the sexy, the all around mushy gorgeous

Something will catch you and point it all out and you will not be able to deny it

and why should you?

CaesarMarques

Just Can’t Give Up Now

Start anew, break free from the chains that bind me

Where did the chains come from you ask

I may have had something to do with it, you see

Being a prisoner is tough, in your mind you believe the lies that

only you can see ,only you can tell yourself of why you can’t attract

the things you want, need, desire but I believe I wasnt brought this far

to be left behind.

Get rid of past transgressions, let go of past hurts

The road would be clearer that way, on your way to the blessings that you have in store

that have piled up because you’ve never took the time to notice. Worry has

clouded your brain for too long and now its time to stay strong

Your season is now, hard work will do its part for you were meant to live

abundantly from the start. I just have to believe and know

that I just can’t give up now…

CaesarMarques

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Full Definition of ACTOR

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