I’m here i shine
I’ve opened up my mind
The possibility to reach people
Through acting and regularly
Contributing to this blog.
Is Miraculous in itself
I’m just starting
I’ll get my voice stronger as to share
Music, purchase a camera as to
Introduce my photography and
Provide content to the masses.
Universe hear me now
Loud and proud
I’m here, I’m queer and i want to
Share joy, give life and smiles
“I need more from you, it seems as if your holding back” says the director on our first meeting about our project. I know this. I got this. but this criticism still stinging.I prepped and racked my brain to give this character life. I studied the greats trying to capture their spirit and put together their essence with my own perhaps this was my first mistake.
First off, I’m new to this, raw unfiltered emotional dude who loves this woman and she dares not to love him enough. The role did spark a fire in me that while always there, was damned due to my insecurity in allowing the negative comments from years past to penetrate my consciousness and never break free from it. In preparation I fasted, I exercised, my mind and my heart to get it right. I got this. I know this.
The third rehearsal goes something like this “have you ever felt when someone told you something and you know it is untrue but you still listen”? the director says looking stern and uncompromising not a smile in site.
My reply….. I know the feeling well it seems like this is my way of living all the time, the world has a contract to tell people what they want to hear be gentle they say, don’t hurt feelings they say, and have us walk around thinking we are something that we are not. I got this. I know this. The up coming weeks go by fast and with each rehearsal I feel better, I feel supported, I feel the universe is with me every step of the way. Feedback is great, I’m on top of the world on this particular day I meet the playwright she loves how the piece flows but thinks a song is needed to push the piece into the stratosphere.
I’m excited thinking I can do more, I can be more bring my full self. I sing the song in rehearsal but you can hear a pin drop. Silence. Is this good? It seems like 20 minutes have gone by and then I hear the directors uncompromising and stern voice….”are you comfortable with this? Because you really can’t sing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are gonna have to get it together or find an alternative”. Rehearsal ended but the comment/critique set with me, ate with me, came to bed with me that night. It rises in me as I started each day. What do I do? Quit the show and go back into my shell? Stay in dreamland and live there for the rest of my days? I mean it is my favorite place. Can you guess what I did?
I regrouped, picked myself up and realized that while I was nowhere near where I wanted to be I could get there with practice and tenacity. I prayed, practiced and I meditated. First show of the run. Nerves. Sweat on the brow. Lips shaking. Well wisher’s, crowd silenced, some laughs and it’s the end. Standing ovation. I’m shocked looking at my leading lady who was also shocked. They actually liked it. I’m elated that I didn’t muck it up, I have a talk with spirit that same night while I try to explain my feelings about the experience, the emotion and my goal for the duration of the rest of the shows I feel a chilled finger pressed against my lip not allowing me to speak.
” you feel it now don’t you, it was always there. You compare with no one. You are your own person with your own gifts, talents and technique. Will you be everyone’s taste? No. You were not designed that way. The people you have met and critiqued you were to strengthen you, push you to go farther then you knew you were capable of. I’m proud of you and I know there’s a lot you want to say but you do realize I already know the words you want to say. You Recreateand create that’s why you’re here, don’t ever doubt, always trust and believe. You’ve enjoyed my work on this planet and now I demand you give this same courtesy to every living soul out there, don’t make me come back and give this speech again”.
Spirit then smiles and gets up to go. I’m trying to speak and maybe say thank you, get words out but that something keeps my lips in place I then hear clear as day like a song… “I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love” she then fades away. I knew I was always loved at that moment.
Its hard making changes. I hate to live in the past but it’s what I do more than I should. Writing has always been an outlet for me whether it was through journaling or blogging or starting that screenplay and novel, it was a way to get so many thoughts out of my head.
The way my attention span is set up, I don’t get very far or I give up too soon on ideas. I think the 40 hour work week and daily stresses has something to do with it. I would love to make a career out of this crazy imagination I have. This blog was a step in the right direction. I have notebooks that I started writing in High School filled with stories unfinished and ideas that need more time.
It’s time to get creative and remove these writing blocks that I’ve had. Operation Wannabe Writer is now in effect for the remainder of 2015 and I’m gonna use this blog to share some of it.
Onward and Upward
All day noise, people talking to me, O please just leave me be headphones where are you i feel you calling my name, put you in this is where my smile begins. Put on that new Janet or Jessie J I'm confident these ladies and their grooves have something to say if i wanna feel on top of the world, maybe Brandy can help or a dose of Jay Z let his cool rhymes and intricate wordplay work on me. Whatever the mood music can help, hey put on Missy and Tim they got beats just enjoy yourself. When you wanna hear vocals for days, I put on Pink Whitney, Luther or Mariah music so good goes down like babies and pacifiers love music nothing can compare, I may even listen to Bach well maybe on a dare Headphones won't let me go, I'm in another world. Lyrics speak my heart Melodies speak my soul, Music is a gift, a gun to my head lock and load music never gets old and it never will.
© 2015 CaesarMarques
He observes all to be of this world a sensitive soul with stories untold he likes to think that nobody cares but wonders why people stare while searching for a friendly warmth in his eyes they get a surprise coldness from a harsh world made him get a disguise the cold front that he puts on is to keep people at bay or so he doesn't feel when people spew hate all said and done emotion comes easy like switching from cold water to hot Show him your true soul and he will open up like anyone a temper that smolders, he's a good man with protective armor that's the coldness you think he harbors he observes all to be of this world a sensitive soul with stories untold the man the myth but all me.
© 2015 CaesarMarques
** Some background about this poem. I’m a very private most of the time shy person until i get to know someone. I really don’t like small talk at all and deep conversations with people are a turn on. Who are we kidding though, this can be a harsh world for people who are considered different in any way shape or form. Growing up LGBT and knowing it but afraid to tell made me get an exterior that didn’t match my interior life. That’s where the first and last line come into play “He observes all to be of this world a sensitive soul with stories untold”.
When a workout is done you're the only one you're my thirst quencher, my throat tickler, my stomach filler, my muscle builder you're what the experts say I should drink every day. I see you through the glass glistening drops of perspiration over the bottle I grab you, cold grips my hand. I'm sure most people can understand. The taste incredible, I don't wanna let you go Gulp after gulp after gulp now you're gone. You're taste inspires, oh how I admire A cold glass of chocolate milk.
© 2015 Caesar Marques
**For this assignment we had to write about the flavor of something in a way that says its gone, kind of like a eulogy (in poetry its called elegy). I just not too long ago finished working out and i enjoyed some chocolate milk afterwards and thought why not. It may seem silly to some (the poem I mean) but it is what it is. So please enjoy and grab some chocolate milk while you’re at it.
As I past by I-75 the weeds I see
I know by that sight I’m in the D
It looks shabby to outsiders
But this neighborhood is where I come home to be.
Driving down 8 mile
Which has many stories to tell
About the days and nights
And who sleeps and gets freaky in the many motels.
Strip clubs and fast food joints line the street
For late night eats and carnal treats
This road for sure can’t be beat.
After work, often tired I see
Faces and places going about their day
From gas stations to medical weed locations
There’s bad and good I can say.
It goes a long way through city and suburb
Its name you’ve probably heard
In movies, on TV, through music maybe
You can walk up and down till your feet hurts
This road goes through my neighborhood and I’m proud to say
Through potholes and smooth streets
I drive on 8 mile each and every day.
© 2015 CaesarMarques
**For this exercise we were to explore a form of poetry called found poetry, you look up pieces that have already been written and make a poem out of it. There were several examples to use. I picked one of my favorite musicians and picked 9 of her songs took a lyric from each and put together a very personal poem about basically being my authentic self. Her music has gotten me through a lot of good and bad times. I found the illustration on Instagram and thought it would fit perfectly with the theme faces.
Authentic faces through musical lyrics
I refuse to falter in what i believe or lose faith in my dreams
After so much suffering
You’ll always be a part of me. I’m part of you indefinitely
There’s an answer if you reach into your soul and that sorrow you know will melt away
And lightning don’t strike the same place twice, when you and I
No stress, no fights I’m leaving it all behind no tears no time to cry
Images of rapture creep into me slowly
But we all make mistakes, felt the guilt and self hate.
I Carry Your Heart With Me
i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart
—by E.E. Cummings
Why is this one of my favorite poems? I’m a hopeless romantic and I do wish to read a long poem/love letter at my wedding. Seeing this movie made the possibility more real and this poem jumped out at me. I admit I bought more volumes of e.e cummings works just looking for this poem. Its elegant, its romantic and you feel like he could be writing it to anyone including myself. I share with you and the universe one of my favorite poems ever.
P.S: It’s also a good movie but I admit I’ve never read the book.