“I need more from you, it seems as if your holding back” says the director on our first meeting about our project. I know this. I got this. but this criticism still stinging.I prepped and racked my brain to give this character life. I studied the greats trying to capture their spirit and put together their essence with my own perhaps this was my first mistake.
First off, I’m new to this, raw unfiltered emotional dude who loves this woman and she dares not to love him enough. The role did spark a fire in me that while always there, was damned due to my insecurity in allowing the negative comments from years past to penetrate my consciousness and never break free from it. In preparation I fasted, I exercised, my mind and my heart to get it right. I got this. I know this.
The third rehearsal goes something like this “have you ever felt when someone told you something and you know it is untrue but you still listen”? the director says looking stern and uncompromising not a smile in site.
My reply….. I know the feeling well it seems like this is my way of living all the time, the world has a contract to tell people what they want to hear be gentle they say, don’t hurt feelings they say, and have us walk around thinking we are something that we are not. I got this. I know this. The up coming weeks go by fast and with each rehearsal I feel better, I feel supported, I feel the universe is with me every step of the way. Feedback is great, I’m on top of the world on this particular day I meet the playwright she loves how the piece flows but thinks a song is needed to push the piece into the stratosphere.
I’m excited thinking I can do more, I can be more bring my full self. I sing the song in rehearsal but you can hear a pin drop. Silence. Is this good? It seems like 20 minutes have gone by and then I hear the directors uncompromising and stern voice….”are you comfortable with this? Because you really can’t sing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are gonna have to get it together or find an alternative”. Rehearsal ended but the comment/critique set with me, ate with me, came to bed with me that night. It rises in me as I started each day. What do I do? Quit the show and go back into my shell? Stay in dreamland and live there for the rest of my days? I mean it is my favorite place. Can you guess what I did?
I regrouped, picked myself up and realized that while I was nowhere near where I wanted to be I could get there with practice and tenacity. I prayed, practiced and I meditated. First show of the run. Nerves. Sweat on the brow. Lips shaking. Well wisher’s, crowd silenced, some laughs and it’s the end. Standing ovation. I’m shocked looking at my leading lady who was also shocked. They actually liked it. I’m elated that I didn’t muck it up, I have a talk with spirit that same night while I try to explain my feelings about the experience, the emotion and my goal for the duration of the rest of the shows I feel a chilled finger pressed against my lip not allowing me to speak.
” you feel it now don’t you, it was always there. You compare with no one. You are your own person with your own gifts, talents and technique. Will you be everyone’s taste? No. You were not designed that way. The people you have met and critiqued you were to strengthen you, push you to go farther then you knew you were capable of. I’m proud of you and I know there’s a lot you want to say but you do realize I already know the words you want to say. You Recreateand create that’s why you’re here, don’t ever doubt, always trust and believe. You’ve enjoyed my work on this planet and now I demand you give this same courtesy to every living soul out there, don’t make me come back and give this speech again”.
Spirit then smiles and gets up to go. I’m trying to speak and maybe say thank you, get words out but that something keeps my lips in place I then hear clear as day like a song… “I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love” she then fades away. I knew I was always loved at that moment.
You are not being punished; you are being prepared.
Prepared for more love. Prepared for more impact. Prepared to inspire change in others. Prepared for more awareness. Prepared for your dreams.
– Mastin Kipp
Hitting rough patches has been one of the defining moments in my life, something I remember more than the good stuff. Not good. I want balance, to appreciate the dark and use it to enjoy the light. It’s hard to admit the victim mentality has an allure that I’ve been used to for far too long. I’m learning that. I made a recent post on Facebook about getting kicked down and a friend suggested a song to listen to keep my spirits up, it was one that I hadn’t considered but the idea was one I always relied on. Music as a therapy placeholder keeping your spirit intact and sometimes making you look a million different ways at things through lyrics. Here are some lyrics that have resonated with me recently…….
So come back when I’m good to go. I got drinks to drink, and men to hold. I got good things to do with my life, yeah. Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze. Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing. I got good things to feel in my life, yeah
I just wanna be happy. But if I keep on doing the things That keep on bringing me pain. There’s no one else I can blame. If I’m not happy. Wasted time but now I can see. The biggest enemy it was me. So I’m not happy
-Kirk Franklin “Wanna Be Happy”
Your Grace makes ALL Saints out of Sinners! Now I’ve tried my ways but the way that I need is yours. I look to you when it’s all right. I’ll look to you when it’s all wrong. Please, remind me, when I get low. What you see when you look at me. What I know I can be
-Monica “Saints and Sinners”
I hope this post finds you in good spirits and great health. I enjoy sharing and I hope to do more in 2016. Peace and love…..
- I feel so deeply that…watching the news sometimes gets me to thinking that it’s never safe, stay in the house, get Netflix, order in for food.
- I feel so deeply that…when seeing my male buddies in pain I hesitate to offer comfort because of that time I tried to help a dude LONG ago he called me a faggot. Some things you never forget.
- I feel so deeply that…I came out to someone in my life; a falsehood was told which lead me to believe that most people tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. Sad thing is I’ve been guilty of this in the past.
- I feel so deeply that…being around certain people bring up skeletons of the past and while forgiveness is in one hand the pain and anguish, tears are in another. Who said moving on was going to be easy?
- I feel so deeply that…I’ve never allowed myself to have an intimate AND romantic relationship for fear of what it can take away and how it makes my eyes sting, heart hurts to see other happy couples sometimes. Work in progress.
- I feel so deeply that…I hesitate to share my artistic gifts with the world for fear of ridicule. However I’m well aware that sharing is what the universe wants and the blocks are coming down.
- I feel so deeply that…I’m going to share this post and feel a sense of relief because I deep down know that sharing stories like these can help someone. As I grow older, it’s getting easier and I’m realizing life will open up as much as I do.
I hesitate to say that spending 9 years at one job kind of hurt my future job prospects or it just feels like it,
I hesitate to say that being celibate and not dating for awhile took me out of the loop as far as being in a social romantic way,
I hesitate to say that living under my parents roof taught me to be enabled beyond my wildest dreams and that If I lived on my own things could be worse,
I hesitate to say that being fat has given me a level of security that is unmatched simply because of my size,
I hesitate to say that I make friends with some people based on the fact that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with them and shouldn’t be disappointed when it turns out they are or never were interested,
I hesitate to say wishing and hoping things will be better almost never works if there is no effort put behind it,
I hesitate to say that being gay is something as a youngster I would change but now as an adult I wouldn’t change a thing,
I hesitate to say that being alone but not lonely is a joy in my life if only because most of the time I enjoy my company,
I hesitate to say that buying things in my youth for the purpose of notice me syndrome is gone replaced by what the hell am I gonna do with this a year from now,
I hesitate to say that infatuation and love is 2 different things and I found out the hard way,
I hesitate to say that losing weight will make more people like me, get me more sex with beautiful people, get acting jobs, and just generally make life better because skinny fit people look like they have it all together,
I hesitate to say that I prefer sleep because my dream life is much more interesting than real life,
I hesitate to say that writing this post makes me feel much better because getting out my feelings takes some of the heaviness off my shoulders,
I hesitate to say that I’m working on being the best man, friend, lover, homie, brother I can be.
Photo Courtesy of Bing Images
I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.
Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.
For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish
All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.
I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now? I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.
Photo Courtesy of: Giphy.com/Frozen, Bing.com/Hyperliterature
When one opportunity leaves and the door closes
how do you get through? The strife and the stress you can’t maintain
and you don’t want to be that friend who always complains.
Life comes at you hard and crying seems to show you’ve let down
your guard. Sure people want to help and their intentions are pure
but the well seems so deep and the heart seems to endure
all the expectations of yourself and the people around trying
and sometimes falling the tears of a clown. You never know how
strong you have to be when you have no choice say it loud and proud
that’s why you have a voice. I speak for those dudes who doesn’t like
vulnerabilities to show and want to maintain a life that’s awesome from
the word go. Strength is in your head, in your heart and your muscles
you flex them all. Sometimes you get tired and you just want to ball
It’s okay and it’s alright we all will live to see another day just to win the
fight to get out of bed, to take care of business and take care of yourself
We only get one life to live and from personal experience this life is
© 2015 CaesarMarques
Louder she says, project your voice let the world hear your noise
Manly the magazine says, wear this, drink that, and please
don’t be seen in public in that hat. So many ideals on who to be
when is it okay to just be me? The musicians put lyrics to songs singing
about fighting for your rights and trying to belong. The examples are
numerous and the fakes are grand, please can I LIVE man? I’m so tired
of following what you think I should be I’m old enough to know that it’s
alright and just fine with me. Fat, skinny, hairy or bald beauty comes one
size fits all. Lets start a revolution and be bold in our resolution to
celebrate our flaws because without them there’s no rhyme or reason at
all. I’m not angry just prepared to show the world how much I care,
about what you think and who you want me to be and I dare you to say all
men are created free. Be Bold Be Proud Be You because in this life its
all you can do.
© 2015 CaesarMarques
Photo Courtesy of Yahoo Images
My sistah oh how you can work my nerves
but never in my life do I think I deserve a better champion
in my corner than you, I’m so grateful
My cuzzo oh how you inspire me to be me at all times
love my life since meeting you, eating with you and sharing good times
with you. Grateful is my heart when you call to check up on me
My bestie thanks for being that listener and that voice to tell me
what I need to hear, is it fate that we met at the time that we did?
I cherish our conversations because lord knows I’m not the easiest
to love being moody and all but my gratitude for your shall never fall
The many people who have graced my life through work, school and play
I just want to say, you’ve made my story so much better for having spent
time with you. I’m forever grateful.
© 2015 CaesarMarques
Photo Courtesy of Yahoo Images
There was never a time I didn’t strive for the best
want the most, love with all my heart
There was never a time I couldn’t find a song
that spoke my heart and kept my world from falling apart
There was never a time that when I felt so unsure of my place
someone or something didn’t remind me of his love and his grace
There were many times I sought comfort in food
delighting in the fact that it would never do me any harm
Through the presence of mind I leave fear far behind and
take the step into destiny where I can find
Hope for the future, hope for my life, hope for my finances
so when buying something I don’t have to think twice
I dream in colors not many people can see, Divine, Grand
Bright as can be.
© 2015 CaesarMarques