Let it Go (2015)

I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.

Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.

For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish

th180YCCP2 All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.

I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now? I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.

CaesarMarques

Photo Courtesy of: Giphy.com/Frozen, Bing.com/Hyperliterature

Stronger With Each Tear…A Poem

strength-quotes-8

When one opportunity leaves and the door closes

how do you get through? The strife and the stress you can’t maintain

and you don’t want to be that friend who always complains.

Life comes at you hard and crying seems to show you’ve let down

your guard. Sure people want to help and their intentions are pure

but the well seems so deep and the heart seems to endure

all the expectations of yourself and the people around trying

and sometimes falling the tears of a clown. You never know how

strong you have to be when you have no choice say it loud and proud

that’s why you have a voice. I speak for those dudes who doesn’t like

vulnerabilities to show and want to maintain a life that’s awesome from

the word go. Strength is in your head, in your heart and your muscles

you flex them all. Sometimes you get tired and you just want to ball

It’s okay and it’s alright we all will live to see another day just to win the

fight to get out of bed, to take care of business and take care of yourself

We only get one life to live and from personal experience this life is

something else.

Asking for Help…A Poem

I crave being independent, however I was faced with the fact that

I cant do it alone. It hurts my heart because I thought independent

was a part of being grown.

Some parts of me despise asking for help because I’m strong, I’m a man

I’m supposed to deal with the cards I’m dealt that’s the plan

The universe works in mysterious ways, I can’t count how many times

I’ve prayed for luck, love and favor so I can enjoy this life and savor

the good and the bad the happy and the sad.

I’m learning to let go of being strong on my own

help is there to guide me and not take over, learn all I can from as

many people before you know life is over. I’m still a work in progress.

Image courtesy of Yahoo Images

Life in Bold Print…a poem

Beboldoritalic

Louder she says, project your voice let the world hear your noise

Manly the magazine says, wear this, drink that, and please

don’t be seen in public in that hat. So many ideals on who to be

when is it okay to just be me? The musicians put lyrics to songs singing

about fighting for your rights and trying to belong. The examples are

numerous and the fakes are grand, please can I LIVE man? I’m so tired

of following what you think I should be I’m old enough to know that it’s

alright and just fine with me. Fat, skinny, hairy or bald beauty comes one

size fits all. Lets start a revolution and be bold in our resolution to

celebrate our flaws because without them there’s no rhyme or reason at

all. I’m not angry just prepared to show the world how much I care,

about what you think and who you want me to be and I dare you to say all

men are created free. Be Bold Be Proud Be You because in this life its

all you can do.

Photo Courtesy of Yahoo Images

Gratitude Cometh…A Poem

gratitude

My sistah oh how you can work my nerves

but never in my life do I think I deserve a better champion

in my corner than you, I’m so grateful

My cuzzo oh how you inspire me to be me at all times

love my life since meeting you, eating with you and sharing good times

with you. Grateful is my heart when you call to check up on me

My bestie thanks for being that listener and that voice to tell me

what I need to hear, is it fate that we met at the time that we did?

I cherish our conversations because lord knows I’m not the easiest

to love being moody and all but my gratitude for your shall never fall

The many people who have graced my life through work, school and play

I just want to say, you’ve made my story so much better for having spent

time with you. I’m forever grateful.

Photo Courtesy of Yahoo Images

Hope……A Poem

There was never a time I didn’t strive for the best

want the most, love with all my heart

There was never a time I couldn’t find a song

that spoke my heart and kept my world from falling apart

There was never a time that when I felt so unsure of my place

someone or something didn’t remind me of his love and his grace

There were many times I sought comfort in food

delighting in the fact that it would never do me any harm

Through the presence of mind I leave fear far behind and

take the step into destiny where I can find

Hope for the future, hope for my life, hope for my finances

so when buying something I don’t have to think twice

I dream in colors not many people can see, Divine, Grand

Bright as can be.

Operation Wannabe Writer

Its hard making changes. I hate to live in the past but it’s what I do more than I should. Writing has always been an outlet for me whether it was through journaling or blogging or starting that screenplay and novel, it was a way to get so many thoughts out of my head.

The way my attention span is set up, I don’t get very far or I give up too soon on ideas. I think the 40 hour work week and daily stresses has something to do with it. I would love to make a career out of this crazy imagination I have. This blog was a step in the right direction. I have notebooks that I started writing in High School filled with stories unfinished and ideas that need more time.

It’s time to get creative and remove these writing blocks that I’ve had. Operation Wannabe Writer is now in effect for the remainder of 2015 and I’m gonna use this blog to share some of it.

Onward and Upward

Caesar Marques

Cold but softer inside; Me……#Poetry

 He observes all    
      to be of this world         
 a sensitive soul
      with stories untold      
 he likes to think that     
 nobody cares but wonders
      why people stare        
  while searching for a      
 friendly warmth in his eyes
      they get a surprise      
 coldness from a harsh world   made him get a disguise
      the cold front that he    
 puts on is to keep people     
 at bay or so he doesn't
     feel when people spew hate all said and done emotion
 comes easy like switching 
     from cold water to hot     
 Show him your true soul       and he will open up 
      like anyone a temper       that smolders,
 he's a good   man with protective armor
     that's the coldness         you think he harbors    
     he observes all to be of 
     this world a sensitive soul with stories untold the man the myth
 but all me.

** Some background about this poem. I’m a very private most of the time shy person until i get to know someone. I really don’t like small talk at all and deep conversations with people are a turn on. Who are we kidding though, this can be a harsh world for people who are considered different in any way shape or form. Growing up LGBT and knowing it but afraid to tell made me get an exterior that didn’t match my interior life. That’s where the first and last line come into play “He observes all to be of this world a sensitive soul with stories untold”.

Love life. Imperfections…#poetry

A Limerick

I ‘m at a lost because I don’t have much time

to find a true love that’s mine

All the dudes are straight, that I wanna

date, clearly fate is taking its time. Wait

I’m not drunk enough could you please pass the red wine?

The skin hides what everyone can see…..#Poetry

My skin is big you see, enough room for maybe you and two to three skinny folk. It bleeds like any other surface with blood going through its veins sometimes its easy not to feel the pain. Its my protection of sorts, kinda like when we were kids and built pillow forts. As a child we used to jump on, hide under and disappear into that fluffy void. All that time wanting just to be heard without making noise. Playing tag feeling special because you couldn’t find me all this skin wrapped around all that’s meant to guide me. Into your heart, into your soul into telling stories that should and need to be told. All said and done I’m glad the skin is here because most strangers cant sense the fear.

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