…loading new life in 3.2.1

essay, life, World events

new-life-fresh-start-CPBJNM

One month ago today, my job was eliminated. It’s a prime example of be careful of what you ask for or you just might get it. My co-workers and I used to joke about getting paid to stay at home and guess what happened….

It’s a shocker for sure because i’d heard it happen and read of it happening but to see it actually happen in real time? Knocks you on your ass. There were a lot of technical issues that day, but we still didn’t think it was gonna be a Purge situation….

A month later to reflect and here’s the thing…you ready for it?  I don’t miss it, I met some great people but being cursed out on a daily basis for something I couldn’t fix was not my ideal work environment. While I wont bash the company I worked for those 2 years because hey I signed up for it and my bills were paid and it literally does me no good and it doesn’t make me feel better. That chapter of my life is done….

What’s next you want to know? World Domination *inserts* evil laugh. Honestly the world is open to me now in a way that I’d never felt before. Should I

  •  move overseas and teach English?
  •  try a new field that I’ve been interested in but scared to try (graphic design)
  • be a well paid (there’s a difference) sex-worker with clients across the globe
  • go full fledged actor+writer+creator and move to LA
  • go backpacking in Europe or Asia
  • create new content and study more while finding a job that pays well

I mean the list can go on and on and it’s all thanks to ?!*+%&=@!!!! You know who you are buddy. I’m gonna make sure that the next path I choose is not fear based. That I know for sure.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

Marcus Caesar

 

 

Happy Birthday to me 😊

poetry

year 38 is here!

universe says another year my dear

i’m acting , i’m traveling

meeting new people

loving myself more

Suddenly it clicks

the present is a gift

breathe, relax , enjoy

show love, be love

blessed

©️MarcusCaesar

Whodini has a song about them….

creative non-fiction, essay, memoir, Uncategorized
funnyfriends

photo courtesy of pinterest.com

I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.

I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).

This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.

Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.

This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right?  I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?

 

©MarcusCaesar

Open Letter to Melissa McCarthy

essay
Photo Courtesy of girltalkhq.com

Photo Courtesy of girltalkhq.com

Dear Melissa,

We are not friends yet but I hope to meet you in the near future. I just recently saw your movie Spy and I enjoyed it immensely to the point where I may see it again. (rarely happens for me, you know how much movie tickets cost nowadays?) As an aspiring actor I look for little facets of myself in people I watch on-screen and in you my dear I see a lot of me. I was told i’m naturally funny in acting class especially when im not trying to be, which could be good and bad. We shall see.

I do want to apologize because I never saw you on Gilmore Girls and up until recently never watched an episode of Mike and Molly. The movie is where you caught my eye. Bridesmaids was hilarious and pretty much you were my reason for buying the Blu-Ray. I think some others enjoyed your performance because hello Oscar nominee. I’m just saying. What brought this letter on you might be asking (or your assistant, depending on who’s reading your mail).

One of my local newscasters reviewed Spy and one of his comments was that he was sick of you playing the same character over and over in different movies. Youre an actress, I’m an actor so I get it but what a shitty opinion to have! First of all you play what you’re good at. Second I believe that there are so many layers to being a comedian especially a funny one that many people don’t realize there are subtle differences in each movie role. Would I love to see you put on makeup and play a deranged killer or a football loving mom who takes in a homeless kid, yes but I’m ready when you are.

Your physicality when tackling any role is awe-inspiring. I’m a big(er) black dude who is trying to get over my fear of letting my bigger size define who I am as an actor instead of just being in the moment, in the character  and in the scene. It takes some of my emotion away when I’m worried about how I look instead of going full-tilt boogie at every turn. Its a process and I’m learning. Your performances on SNL are legendary in my book.

I saw Spy before I did my first acting showcase for school and watching you gave me confidence to be the best I can be in that moment and I believe it strengthened my performance for the better. Just know you have fans from all walks of life and are inspiring to us all. You are a divine treasure in this world and I’m so lucky to see you shine on that big screen.

Photo Courtesy of EW.com

Photo Courtesy of EW.com

Kids : Thinking About Them #Essay

essay, family, life
Photo Credit: Gallery Hip.com

Photo Credit: Gallery Hip.com

Do men have biological clocks to? I’ve been wondering because when I see fathers with their kids I have a slight case of longing, like I’m missing something. I am 5 years from 40 so that could be it. I also have 12 nieces and nephews that I can see for a weekend and be ready to send them home afterwards. Theres  nothing like having your own. My situation is different in the fact that I’m 90% sure I will not end up with a lady as my life partner. I don’t know if you people know this and be prepared to be blown away if you don’t, two men CAN NOT biologically have children. Crazy ain’t it.

That leaves some options though:

Surrogacy- I hear it costs a shit ton of money but you get to pick your surrogate and the child has your genes but again you need money.

Adoption- Costs Money (of course) Options on where to pick your child from anywhere in the world that won’t deny a single parent or even worse a gay couple.

Pretending to be Straight, Knocking up a lady and suing for primary custody: Costs money and takes too much time. You’d have to get courts involved, hurt feelings everywhere. It’s still an option.

Where do I go from here? Continue to daydream and hope a stork drops one out of the sky? It’s still in the planning stages because there are men who do this as a single parent which I know isn’t easy. I can barely afford to clothe and feed myself and now I want a kid? Hard to believe for some but my heart is good and I’d make a wonderful but stern teddy bear of a dad. Just thought I’d throw this out into the universe.

Now to go make some money or better yet marry some money 😉

CaesarMarques

Facebook or Not was the question???….#ESSAY

essay, memoir

Facebook-Logo

Two years have passed and I’m back on Facebook. I originally deactivated my account because I wanted to start a blog about my adventures in life and Facebook would take up too much of my time or that’s what I told people. The truth would be slightly different and a bit how should I say this, pathetic.

One reason we struggle with insecurity is that we’re comparing our behind the scenes to every else’s highlight reel”.- Pastor Steven Furtick

I was seeing all my “friends” have awesome adventures with their lives and i was scraping, scrimping and just doing enough to get by. No love to call my own so I LOVED the wedding announcements, hadn’t taken an actual vacation since I was a teenager so I LOVED the beach snaps. In short I was jealous and insecure about what I thought my life should be like compared to these people some who I admit I befriended just to be nosey, or if they were cute. A lil of both actually. I read the above quote numerous times in different places and thought hmm, I heard she got dumped but that wasnt on FB and I heard his band sucked donkey balls but no pics of that on FB. My allusions were shattered.

We are all human beings who face life’s up and downs, we ALL want a pat on the back or a like for a job well done or a pic nicely taken (yes you do). FB can be used to keep in touch with family far away and classmates from that 10 year reunion for better or worse. I also decided that in going back to FB that I wasnt going to be private for the sake of who might hear or see my thoughts. I didn’t want to overshare in the past, afraid that my sister or other close relatives would get upset, alert the media or worse call me and keep me on the phone for hours. It’s my reality, my page and to hell with what anybody else thinks including family.

I’ve just started getting in the acting game, taking classes and such and wisely my teacher suggested using FB as a tool for finding out about auditions. That pushed me back on FB. I havent regretted it yet and I’ve connected with some of the tribe from my acting world on there. I’m gonna keep an open mind and not stress about it. Everybody has a right to tell their story to anyone who follows them as do I. If shit doesn’t pan out I can always deactivate again.

CaesarMarques

I FOUND MY TRIBE Y’ALL…. #ESSAY

essay, life, memoir
Interesting pic, eh?

Interesting pic, eh?

When I was younger my aunt used to babysit me, everyday at 1pm I had to be quiet because the “stories” were on. What are “stories” you might ask, they are really soap operas but in black households they were called “stories”. Usually when asked what you are watching you would just blurt out the channel. My aunties channel was ABC. I grew up watching Loving, All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital. It kind of put a passion in me to wanna know how these people acted so crazy and or funny so effortlessly. It started me also thinking of storytelling in a way that was over the top (The classic catfight in the pool) or serious (Character dying from a disease). In a way it has shaped the way I write fiction and the hobby I’m pursing now.

This year ive decided to spend money on experiences more than mere possessions. I’ve always wanted to act, sing, dance, write , fashion design, architect, paint, be a world leader and a superhero. When I got older and self-doubt crept in, built a mansion, furnished it and would not leave I didn’t pursue what my passions were I pursued what others wanted me to be. That got old fast I tell ya. Depression decided to rent a room and the mansion got so crowded that something had to give. I slowly came to realize what wasnt working and went and made plans to fix it. I tried an acting class.

My expectations for acting 1 were high, I mean after all I watched enough soap operas to cry on cue or get angry with the snap of a finger. The focus was on individual preparation and completing a monologue. I did ok, my teacher kept saying more emotion. I thought I gave it all I had, ended up being so disappointed in myself that I declined to do the student showcase at the end of the semester. The next acting class was to focus on scene work with a partner and you HAD to do the student showcase. I’m no punk so I enrolled in acting 2. 

One of the best decisions in my life. There are 5 students from the previous class so the comfort level was there, but add 11 more people from other classes and you get some of the most creative, inspiring people I’ve encountered in a long time in one room. 4 hours of laughter, fun and we are all there to learn and do a good job. It’s the one day of the week I look forward to, I can be my true self with no judgement. There’s no grades so there’s no competition and that takes a load off.

I encourage anyone reading this to pick a hobby/passion that you’ve abandoned for whatever reason and give it another try. Small steps are always better than no steps at all. I’m having a great time and I’m truly thankful.

You never know, you may see me on your movie or TV screen soon

I found my tribe y’all…… It only took 35 years

Straight with a Silver Bullet…. A Poem

creativewriting, poetry creative writing

Long hard look
Flexing eyebrows, eyes that change colors with the sun
Long conversations from topics, silly to profound
How long will my addiction to this affliction?

Better
Same type of music gets us going, the 2-step we both do
Gleaming teeth, moist lips that speak words we only understand
How could this be between man and man?

Doubt
Feeling some type of way, mind cant comprehend
Light skin, greenish-blue veins that shine so loudly
Is it only my truth or are you feeling it too?

Superpower
Subtle signs, a belly laugh, a smile that lights the room
I tell a joke and everyone laughs but you I search for recognition
That you feel the same as I do PLEASE universe give me permission.

Jealous
The teeth, the smile, Its all passionate but as i look around
I see a beautiful lady who’s got it all and our connection is nowhere to be found
It hits me again, the curse of the friendly straight dude who’s just living his life
Being a friend is all he can offer and all I can do is bite

a sandwich because rejection makes me hungry….

CaesarMarques