personal holiday

essay, memoir

“It’s time for the good times
Forget about the bad times, oh yeah
One day to come together to release the pressure
We need a holiday” – Madonna

on this day nine years ago, i revealed a personal truth to my parents

like pressure off your brain it was needed. My fam is low-key so it wasn’t the

biggest deal to them, but to me my world was a bit lighter . I’m proud. I’m blessed.

ups and downs both abound but I’m still trucking. Haven’t found my forever but

there’s hope. so while people celebrate the holiday of our fallen soldiers, i celebrate

the holiday of my fallen facade, lies I told to belong so long ago.

Selah’

©️MarcusCaesar

May Day

essay, Uncategorized

So…….. I’ve been told that this month is Mental Health awareness month. I picked this quote and picture as a message for myself honestly. As a light worker i wanted to share it with you as well, May it bless you. I’m gonna try and post on a regular basis this month, in case y’all missed me 😜

-What are you doing this month to foster supreme mental health?

Luv AllWays,

Marcus Caesar

Hold Up The Light

family, life, memoir

Photo Courtesy of Pinterest

I’m still here, but I’ve thought about it

Not being here.

Driving on an overpass, how quick to jump

This too shall pass.

Looking at the bottle of pain pills, easy

Takes the pain away.

Looking into the future, it’s not clear

Sadly it’s filled with fear.

Injured from years Dr’s say neglect

And yet

I’m writing this. Am I the strong friend

The one no one checks on. Sometimes

take it day by day, telling the enemy go

away . I don’t want none of your time,

I got mine and I’m gonna be fine.

I learned of a local news reporter today

Who took her life, didn’t know her but

Tears automatically.

On a random night in ICU , i was there

Asking God to take me away

The toughest headache, the sharpest nerve

Pain, more drugs came, the feeling left

For a second.

The point is I’ve been there no judgement

What gets me through?

I’ve asked forgiveness for the wretched

Person i was to merge with the grown up

Man i am today.

Music also has been a great relief, songs

That have preached to me, spoken to me

One such song is the title to this freewrite

“Hold up the light” 3 amazing voices I

Heard talking to me and i thought

Maybe I’m the light? Is this what I’m here

For? Love, Light ,Fight for what’s right?

IDK life is crazy man. You still got me.

I ask for guidance Universe. let me be your

Vessel. I ask humbly to be a light in this

World of darkness…..

©️MarcusCaesar

…loading new life in 3.2.1

essay, life, World events

new-life-fresh-start-CPBJNM

One month ago today, my job was eliminated. It’s a prime example of be careful of what you ask for or you just might get it. My co-workers and I used to joke about getting paid to stay at home and guess what happened….

It’s a shocker for sure because i’d heard it happen and read of it happening but to see it actually happen in real time? Knocks you on your ass. There were a lot of technical issues that day, but we still didn’t think it was gonna be a Purge situation….

A month later to reflect and here’s the thing…you ready for it?  I don’t miss it, I met some great people but being cursed out on a daily basis for something I couldn’t fix was not my ideal work environment. While I wont bash the company I worked for those 2 years because hey I signed up for it and my bills were paid and it literally does me no good and it doesn’t make me feel better. That chapter of my life is done….

What’s next you want to know? World Domination *inserts* evil laugh. Honestly the world is open to me now in a way that I’d never felt before. Should I

  •  move overseas and teach English?
  •  try a new field that I’ve been interested in but scared to try (graphic design)
  • be a well paid (there’s a difference) sex-worker with clients across the globe
  • go full fledged actor+writer+creator and move to LA
  • go backpacking in Europe or Asia
  • create new content and study more while finding a job that pays well

I mean the list can go on and on and it’s all thanks to ?!*+%&=@!!!! You know who you are buddy. I’m gonna make sure that the next path I choose is not fear based. That I know for sure.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

Marcus Caesar

 

 

Realizing light in yourself :Pt 1

essay

I’m here i shine

I’ve opened up my mind

The possibility to reach people

Through acting and regularly

Contributing to this blog.

Is Miraculous in itself

I’m just starting

I’ll get my voice stronger as to share

Music, purchase a camera as to

Introduce my photography and

Provide content to the masses.

Universe hear me now

Loud and proud

I’m here, I’m queer and i want to

Share joy, give life and smiles

©️MarcusCaesar

I’m a keep going….

creative non-fiction, essay


There’s a lyric in one of my favorite songs that states “I believe in miracles because it’s a miracle I’m here”. It resonates with me because of its profound truth to my life. Breathe 

I thank you Universe for instilling in me a resilience that can only be supernatural. I think long and hard too much honestly about what the world would be without me in it. Breathe

I’ve been inside literally and figuratively because I didn’t think I had much to offer, this person was more talented or this dude’s body looked better. It’s not a “girly” thing. It’s a human thing. Breathe 

As I near 40 years on this earth and I am now putting myself out there showing that I’m  a presence that won’t be denied, I’m figuring out that THIS is what the universe has wanted from and for me all along. I just had to get outta my own way. Breathe 

Fat, unattractive, and untalented all these things I’ve thought of myself . There is  Gratitude in feeling that the Universe has never let me get to the point of the great escape. This journey ain’t easy but I’m here.

And so I take a deep breath, soak it in. 

©MarcusCaesar

P.S the video that inspired this post is from @thechristishow, someone who is very talented and hilarious. Follow her on all social media platforms, you won’t be disappointed.

💖Universe have my back 💓

essay, life


You want the best for everyone 

Including yourself 

I need a miracle 

I want to move to another place to 

Practice my art, fulfill my hearts desire 

Fear, finances, hold me back

I send light to receive light

This is my call to the universe 

Help me in anyway you can

Guide me

To the situations, people, places 

My heart is full of gratitude for

What’s to come

I work hard, now I have to work smart 

By the end of 2017 I plan to be settled in

Send me your positivity

Send me your magic 

Help make my dreams come true 🙏🏽

©MarcusCaesar

scared, so you write through it….

creative non-fiction, essay, life

Dreams are real, vivid productions, high quality writing. Making them come true could be the hard part, afraid to share your art never knowing if you could brighten someone’s day or save a life. 

Stuck in the same place , to everything and everyone you know. The encouragement is there from your peers and everywhere but you can’t find it inside yourself, it’s like your deaf to your own praise.

Prayers and meditation that’s what they say, invest in your life, things work out great that way. I’ve been diligent in this practice all along but it’s not enough to make me strong. Strong enough to make that move, Pursue my dreams.

Life is always changing, I’m still holding on. I’ll have to do it and adjust later. I may fail which makes me shudder with fear, but what else do I do dear? Cry about it, sulk about it, whine about it. Will that make things better? I doubt it.

It’s tiring. 

©MarcusCaesar

Step into it, be fabulous dahling….

essay, life, memoir

                                {Including Me}
                              

     

Told by a co-worker you should have more confidence in yourself 

Confidence doesn’t come easy, based on the belief that if I think too highly people will make it there mission to take me down

Which brings the point that people are not thinking of me as much as I think of me

People have said “you’re handsome”, but would people actually say “you ugly”?

I overthink, I criticize, I realize thats who I am 

If I’m gifted at making acquaintances , own it

If people want to see me smile, do it 

If the leadership at my job wants me to lead and that’s the end goal anyway, don’t shrink and automatically recommend someone else

If you fail, that means you tried right?

In 2017, I’ve gotta step into my greatness and claim my place in this world no backing down 

Most people want me to thrive and I should want that for myself 

And I can’t do that wishing to be someone else 

I step into this place, the table has been set

Now muthafucka you better eat…..
© Marcus Caesar

Photo courtesy of Tumblr 

Have you ever? 

creative non-fiction, essay, life, memoir

…wanted so bad to live life on your own terms but so busy comparing that you forgot what your terms were?

…started being attracted to the same sex at a early age but deathly afraid of people finding out so you go into a shell?

…love to sleep because your dream life is one of the happiest places you can go?

…put words in people’s mouths, automatically give them a story as to why they wouldn’t like you without actually knowing that person?

…as a teenager neglect cleanliness about yourself so that it would put up a wall as to keep people out?

…went years without sex because you find your body disgusting?

…go out of your way to make people smile and laugh so that the universe will send people to do the same for you?

…decided that the “fuck it all” attitude is the way to be from here on out, when the world seems way too complicated and you’re sensitive to the energies of that world for better or worse 


…to be continued 



©MarcusCaesar

…gif courtesy of GIPHY.com