What Now…#PepTalk for the New Year 

creative non-fiction, essay, Lists

This is me. My name is Marcus.

I want to be a better person this year because I think I’d benefit from it and it may make the world a better place (you just never know). Some thoughts that have penetrated my mind, some seen on social media and some that were randomly brought to my consciousness by sounds, feelings and the universe

  1. Comparison is a form of self-violence 
  2. Adventure makes your heart smile 
  3. Love yourself as much as you love your favorite musicians, actors and actresses 
  4. You may have to go into debt to do the things your soul is calling you to do
  5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help 
  6. People are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. The universe will determine which
  7. People don’t care about you and what you do as much as you think 
  8. Kiss more
  9. Explore Fashion 
  10. Though they may work your nerves, cherish every day your parents being on this earth 

I hope this serves whom ever reads this and I’d like to know what you would add. Let’s make this list longer….. until the next post ✌🏽

Lightworker in training, 

Marcus Caesar/CaesarMarques 

Whodini has a song about them….

creative non-fiction, essay, memoir, Uncategorized
funnyfriends

photo courtesy of pinterest.com

I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.

I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).

This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.

Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.

This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right?  I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?

 

©MarcusCaesar

It’s always on my mind.

essay, life, memoir, Uncategorized
thoughts

photo courtesy of Bing.com/images

Hi. I’m a mess.

I came back from a road trip recently and some things popped in my head when my best friend said to me on the way home “I thought you were going to get loose, everyone seemed open except you.” Well thanks best friend, if I didn’t like you so much I would’ve pushed you out at the rest area. (I kid) I hate to replay the same narrative over and over so I’ll just say this what people has said about me in the past, I tend to think in the present.

People were not nice in the past, let me tell ya. I believed and believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way to get what you want. In my choosing not to, I’m being a rebel, original and also single, not wealthy and so on and so forth. It’s all in my thoughts right? I’ve read somewhere that thoughts become things, what you think will ultimately be what manifests in real life.

In short, I’m doing horrible at this.

I want to change. I really do.

It’s been a rough 2016 so far. Want to find my light and keep it.

 

CaesarMarques

 

Lightskinned GodFather

creative non-fiction, essay, life, Uncategorized

prince

Ipod turned up loud passing on seems to do that to an artist you’ve admired for so long

the music loud and fierce never saw you live but from what ive heard that concert was one

not to miss the TV performances are what I gauge my fascination on that’s right he’s gone.

The Beautiful Ones-Brilliant

Kiss- Sexy

I wanna be your Lover -Magnificent

Diamonds and Pearls- Ultimate Love Song

Sexy MF -Manifesto

Growing up lighter skinned black it felt like you were our compass on how we shouldn’t

act. You were deemed soft so we all were soft, you dressed in a way that was all your own

There you were unapologetically light, permed, sometimes made up one time ass all out

I was young I didn’t know or care what that was all about. In the later years your artistry

never waned you taught us light-skinned men that we can be beautiful, hair layed,

eyebrows done and still have a shit ton of fun. It wasn’t about sexuality so much it was

freedom of expression. Fuck the box. Create your own lane. There will never be another.

I believe in my heart of hearts this is what you’d want. No facsimiles.

Create our own space. Be your own individual. Shock the world. Live on your own terms.

You will never leave because music never dies. R.I.P

©2016 CaesarMarques

 

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Music That Uplifts…Part 3

essay, life, memoir, Uncategorized

giphy (2)

You are not being punished; you are being prepared.

Prepared for more love. Prepared for more impact. Prepared to inspire change in others. Prepared for more awareness. Prepared for your dreams.

–          Mastin Kipp

Hitting rough patches has been one of the defining moments in my life, something I remember more than the good stuff. Not good. I want balance, to appreciate the dark and use it to enjoy the light. It’s hard to admit the victim mentality has an allure that I’ve been used to for far too long. I’m learning that. I made a recent post on Facebook about getting kicked down and a friend suggested a song to listen to keep my spirits up, it was one that I hadn’t considered but the idea was one I always relied on. Music as a therapy placeholder keeping your spirit intact and sometimes making you look a million different ways at things through lyrics. Here are some lyrics that have resonated with me recently…….

 

So come back when I’m good to go. I got drinks to drink, and men to hold. I got good things to do with my life, yeah. Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze. Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing. I got good things to feel in my life, yeah

-Sia “Reaper”

I just wanna be happy. But if I keep on doing the things That keep on bringing me pain. There’s no one else I can blame. If I’m not happy. Wasted time but now I can see. The biggest enemy it was me. So I’m not happy

-Kirk Franklin “Wanna Be Happy”

Your Grace makes ALL Saints out of Sinners! Now I’ve tried my ways but the way that I need is yours. I look to you when it’s all right. I’ll look to you when it’s all wrong. Please, remind me, when I get low. What you see when you look at me. What I know I can be

-Monica “Saints and Sinners”

 

 

 

I hope this post finds you in good spirits and great health. I enjoy sharing and I hope to do more in 2016. Peace and love…..

©CaesarMarques2016

I hesitate to say but…

creative non-fiction, essay, life, Uncategorized

thinking-man

I hesitate to say that spending 9 years at one job kind of hurt my future job prospects or it just feels like it,

 I hesitate to say that being celibate and not dating for awhile took me out of the loop as far as being in a social romantic way,

 I hesitate to say that living under my parents roof taught me to be enabled beyond my wildest dreams and that If I lived on my own things could be worse,

 I hesitate to say that being fat has given me a level of security that is unmatched simply because of my size,

I hesitate to say that I make friends with some people based on the fact that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with them and shouldn’t be disappointed when it turns out they are or never were interested,

 I hesitate to say wishing and hoping things will be better almost never works if there is no effort put behind it,

 I hesitate to say that being gay is something as a youngster I would change but now as an adult I wouldn’t change a thing,

 I hesitate to say that being alone but not lonely is a joy in my life if only because most of the time I enjoy my company,

I hesitate to say that buying things in my youth for the purpose of notice me syndrome is gone replaced by what the hell am I gonna do with this a year from now,

 I hesitate to say that infatuation and love is 2 different things and I found out the hard way,

I hesitate to say that losing weight will make more people like me, get me more sex with beautiful people, get acting jobs, and just generally make life better because skinny fit people look like they have it all together,

I hesitate to say that I prefer sleep because my dream life is much more interesting than real life,

I hesitate to say that writing this post makes me feel much better because getting out my feelings takes some of the heaviness off my shoulders,

I hesitate to say that I’m working on being the best man, friend, lover, homie, brother I can be.

2016 ©CaesarMarques

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Let it Go (2015)

essay, life, Uncategorized

elsagiphy.gif

I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.

Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.

For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better  door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish

th180YCCP2All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.

I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now?  I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.

CaesarMarques

 

Photo Courtesy of: Giphy.com/Frozen,  Bing.com/Hyperliterature

 

Operation Wannabe Writer

essay
Courtesy of Giphy.com

Courtesy of Giphy.com

Its hard making changes. I hate to live in the past but it’s what I do more than I should. Writing has always been an outlet for me whether it was through journaling or blogging or starting that screenplay and novel, it was a way to get so many thoughts out of my head.

The way my attention span is set up, I don’t get very far or I give up too soon on ideas. I think the 40 hour work week and daily stresses has something to do with it. I would love to make a career out of this crazy imagination I have. This blog was a step in the right direction. I have notebooks that I started writing in High School filled with stories unfinished and ideas that need more time.

It’s time to get creative and remove these writing blocks that I’ve had. Operation Wannabe Writer is now in effect for the remainder of 2015 and I’m gonna use this blog to share some of it.

Onward and Upward

Caesar Marques

The Greatest Love of All…..#Essay

creative non-fiction, essay, life, memoir

th (1)

I wrote in a previous blog about finding my tribe, a place where I felt comfortable and safe where I could be myself. Last night our acting class had its first student showcase. I admit I am not the most confident person when it comes to this acting game, but I figure that’s where the acting training comes in. You know fake it till you make it type of ish. Low and behold me and my partner did very well with our scene and we got great reviews.

That part is nerve-racking due to the simple fact that you never know how people will react to any art you will produce. I had to pee 3 times waiting to go on, it was jitters i think or the water that came out of nowhere. I believe the hardest part of this journey that I had to take was the belief in myself that I could do well. In many cases I’m around people who tell people what they want to hear but not give constructive feedback. I hate that, if I suck let me know I feel that’s the only way I can learn and move forward ( I may look at you funny from time to time but its all good).

10 minutes before show time I have my script in my hand and this thought in my head. PLEASE DON”T FUCK THIS UP! Gospel music is playing in my head and the light comes up, we do our scene and do fucking GREAT! I’m genuinely surprised that I remembered my lines and didn’t trip and fall off the stage. Prior to this showcase I had various classmates voice to me what my strengths were and I really couldn’t hear the compliments and receive them in short because I felt I didn’t deserve them.

“Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all”

Well Whitney it’s not THAT easy, it takes work sister girl and by the way (miss you lots). I’m getting to that place slowly and after last night I took a deep breath and let it pour in. You did well brutha man and you deserve all the accolades you’ve received because you’ve worked your ass off. I heard for the first time what my classmates were saying all along. It warmed my heart and filled my eyes with tears that in conjunction with the divine I pray to every night I can love myself enough to NOT discount the good things that people say and dwell on those thoughts instead of the negative.

My tribe is full of creative, free-spirited, talented individuals and I could not be more proud to be in such company. I wish all of us much success in the future and thank you for opening the door to me discovering The Greatest Love of All.

P.S The logo I used is my school that I take classes at with kick-ass teachers, So if you’re interested in taking up acting in the Michigan area give them a call.

CaesarMarques

The thing about being a dreamer is….

essay, life
Photo courtesy of Bing

Photo courtesy of Bing

I was one of those kids who wanted to try everything but afraid to do most things. I have a lot of admiration for those kids who know what they want and go after it. There’s a list of things Ive wanted to do as careers such as

Fashion Designer

Actor

Filmmaker

Author

Screenwriter

Singer

Dancer

Travel Writer

The thing about being a dreamer is having the follow through to actually do those things. Take classes, see what works for you and what doesn’t.  As I’m getting older I’ve found myself in an unhappy place where I’m focusing on all my regrets of what wasn’t instead of what could be. I have let my age and weight dictate far too much of my life. Not following my dreams led me to getting a degree in a field I don’t like much less love.

In November I plan on undertaking a dream of living in another city with no friends or family there. Some people move for work and other reasons, I chalk mine up to a spiritual alignment with growing into the person I should of been before I let fear turn me into the person i don’t really like. Scary yes, necessary yes.

I’ve spent money on things instead of experiences and looking back there are a whole bunch of shoulda, coulda wouldas going on in this brain of mine .As I embark on this next stage of my life I plan on exploring more, writing more, taking more classes, traveling more. We only have one life to live right? When was the last time you followed a dream of yours?

Dream It, Live It, Believe It, Love It

CaesarMarques

P.S If you wanna help a brother out I’m always taking donations. 😉