Storytelling…..

Photo Courtesy of institute-of-progressive-education-and-learning.org

I have a ritual that I try to stick to every weekend. I try to catch a movie in the theatre. It doesn’t matter if it’s with someone or alone I find it to be a wondrous escape for a couple of hours. Today I saw Ant-Man and while watching the previews I was wondering where are the stories I would like to see? Movies that are coming out in the coming months feature tales of bravery, mobster tales and one of the suavest agents known to man James Bond. When I say stories I’d like to see I mean “BRING THE GAY”! Movies that have a LGBT lead character are few and far between and they are normally in Drama. How about an action movie where the lead is bi-sexual or even gay. Would you see it?

I know there are male executives who’d love to do this type of movie with a female in the lead because it’s okay and appealing for some woman to woman action. I’d personally like to see an action movie where the male lead is gay or bi, does it have to be pornographic, no but I’d like to see myself represented on screen. It’s part of the world people and the mosaic that is movies should reflect all different types of reality.

I have so many ideas that I want to take and expand on, maybe this is my call to action. It has to start somewhere. There is a movie called Legend that stars Tom Hardy as twin mobsters in London, and guess what one of the mobsters is bi. It’s also based on a true story and comes out this fall. I’ll be there on opening weekend.

CaesarMarques

Love Affair….Part 1

I’m the first to admit, I’m a voracious reader. There was a bookstore called Borders in my hometown that was my favorite place to be on any day of the week. They also had an outlet store that you could find me in at least once a week. It was there when looking for travel guides I found Seattle. I worked with an older lady who dated a man who lived there and upon talking with him about it I decided right then and there I wanted to visit. This was in 2002. It’s odd because not many people talk about visiting the city because it’s not warm or famous like Los Angeles and it doesn’t have amusement parks like Orlando, the rain gets a bad reputation there.

I had it in my heart and in my bones that I would visit. My lady friends’ male companion then passed away and she invited me with her to straighten out some business. I was unable to go because of school, the opportunity passed and I made it a mission to get there. Years passed, I would look at the travel manual every now and again wishing and hoping for a chance. Last year the chance came up and I traveled to Seattle for the first time by myself. Love at first drive it was, no rain on the day I arrived. Mountains, this skyline you see in the picture and it was official I wanted to move there.

The thing about Seattle is that the cost of living is high. One bedroom apartments can be as much as 1000 and up. To park there is not cheap either, I spent close to 50 bucks on parking alone while visiting. Traffic is atrocious compared to where I live now and there was construction being done on the waterfront so that was a hassle. I didn’t wanna be anywhere else though. Some people want to move to places like Atlanta, NYC, Los Angeles and Miami. I felt right at home in Seattle, its liberal kinda weird vibe fit me perfectly.

I decided in 2015 I was gonna make this place my home, so I’ve been making preparations to move there this Oct/Nov. My ultimate goal was to live in the city but if that doesn’t work out I’m happy living on the outskirts. The Love affair continues but like with most love affairs there are some hiccups.

To get a roommate or not?

To get a car or not?

To transfer through my job or find another?

The reason for the Oct/Nov window? I turn in my leased car in at the middle of Oct and my thought process was instead of getting a car here, wait till I get out west. It’s also time for a life change to be honest. I feel like I’m living but I don’t feel Alive. All positive vibes and prayers are appreciated, so I can make this move happen. Fear stay away….

To Be Continued……

CaesarMarques

The 80/20 Principle

“The breakdown is simple: 80 percent of the time you focus on eating clean, good-for-you foods, and 20 percent of the time you have the freedom to indulge as you please. Don’t be concerned about the math, but it’s simple: if you eat three square meals a day, three of those meals every week are your 20 percent cheat meals; if you eat five small meals a day, then seven of those small meals are up for grabs” -Lizzie Fuhr/PopSugar.com

I admit when I’m happy I want to eat, when I’m sad I want to eat. It’s ingrained in my soul. Eat good and eat well. The problem is you can gain weight from doing it. (I know shameful ain’t it) My clothes fit so I haven’t worried too much until I saw myself on camera. Holy bank of America shit cans, I look huge and sloppy and unattractive and every other bad thing you can throw in the mix. I cried about it for a couple of days (literally) but decided to do something about it.

As I was looking at older pictures of a skinnier me, I went back to a time when I consumed no more than 1400 calories a day but lost close to 90 pounds. I couldn’t keep that up so I gained some of it back. What I discovered was that with eating certain foods I felt lighter my stomach felt better and I was more joyful. (I know, hard to believe) I follow several fitness “experts” on social media and this one principle stood out the most 80% good meals and 20% bad but delicious meals.

I took that as eat more of this

Eat less of this

I put a plan to work, eat salads on my lunch break, bring a protein bar as well as to not snack on unhealthy foods and what do ya know I’ve lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Small steps I have to remember but wouldn’t it be nice to lose 10 pounds quickly just by eating salads! (yes) I’m learning to not beat myself up over my chocolate milkshake slip-ups. After all I’m human (for those who were wondering). I’ll keep you posted on how this journey turns out. I have some big life changes planned that will be taking place before 2016 and will be using this platform to vent and celebrate.

Until then, thanks for reading……

CaesarMarques

Oh and here’s something about life….#essay

To Whom It May Concern,

Don’t shrink or limit yourself to fit anyones mold of how THEY think you should be. Growing up I tried to adjust to whatever the situation called for. That being said it was act straight among straight people and act queer among queer folk.

WHAT A HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE!!!

I like what I like and that’s that, I can’t pretend anymore. Find friends who are accepting of ALL of you and not just parts of you. Energy along with time is precious and shouldn’t be wasted.There are folks who will love the true you and life will be all the better for it. I found that out this weekend.

Love Yourself, Love Others

CaesarMarques

Express Yourself….

It’s not me, sorry its fashion photography. A way to express what you feel inside or not. Selling clothes and or dreams, baubles and diamonds. I’ve always been interested in becoming something else. Through modeling, acting and just plain pretend my expression game was strong. Salt-n-Pepa rapped a song, Madonna wrote a smash hit on the subject, im gonna let it out.

Years passed, being noticed became the focus. My ideas lost on the surface trying the new clothes, the new objects to become cool. I lost myself because we all know that we wanna be adored for who we are and sometimes for who we are not. My sexuality became wrapped up in it liking girls, liking boys liking nothing at all. I had to decide, go broke being what others wanna see or go broke doing me.

Tattoos with sayings came into view, colorful clothes bathed my big body. I didn’t care the situation was mine to control. Live by my rules or die. Friends be damned the right ones would come to appreciate a dude who lives by his own code, lives to love and slowly growing to love to live.

Admiring his tattooed body, admiring her strong cheek bones and kick ass nature became the norm. I wanna be like them or what the picture shows. Rebel not caring either way. lose friends gain friends lose love gain love it’s all a game.The problem is I’m ready to play, with my heart with my soul find the golden rules change them all, in the name of expressing myself.

I’m not getting any younger the world is becoming more accepting of me.I shouldnt care but sometimes I do. Wrapped up in Facebook likes and retweets it gets addicting, the need for approval. I/it has to stop. My need to stand out is strong. I’m becoming more and more myself everyday and the people who love me for it are who im gonna stick by. expression through music, movies, acting, fashion are what im about.

Join in. Lets start a revolution!

CaesarMarques

I found my tribe… Part 2

Full Definition of ACTOR

: one that acts : doer

a : one who represents a character in a dramatic productionb : a theatrical performerc : one who behaves as if acting a part

Picture it, the year was 1992 a young man was reading the newspaper like any teenager would be doing. He sees a casting notice for a movie, Sister Act 2 to be exact and decides to ask his mom to take him to the audition. Her response “Naw boy, for what? Now you know you can’t sing.” Devastated with not getting the chance to try out, this young fella spends his teenage years loving an art form from afar not trying any arts because of those words from his mother. Putting all his feelings into writing was how he got through, reading every book on moviemaking, acting and the like while thinking one day one day.That young man was me.

For a long time my nickname in any game was Supastar because I knew I could do it, would do it. However those words (my moms) echoed in my head for a number of years and suffice it to say, you can’t be a supastar sitting on your couch eating Doritos. I tried it.I would tell some people my plans for the future because I could talk a good game like nobodies business but follow thru was/is not my strong suit. Years of being unhappy with where my life was going (working in a kitchen for the rest of my life, umm no thanks) and getting a college degree in a field that could make money but ultimately not something i wanted nor cared to do.I got to thinking.

Youre not getting any younger, you’re already Sallie Mae’s Lil bitch. Do what you need to do. (Shout out to Oprah and Deepak’s meditation series, it also helped me figure some things out). In January, I started taking acting classes. Scary at first because of the childhood ish I suddenly remembered but then I fell in like with it. in the second class it turned to love! The world was mines for the taking, no limits were on me. I did my first acting showcase and things were gravy!

Started a third class were part of the acting is done on camera and you get to see your performance for techniques and critiques. First class I almost had a nervous breakdown, is that me on the screen? No! Oh Hell to the Naw! WTF! I kinda knew going in that I don’t have the standard black hollywood male look (chiseled by gods with platinum tools). What kind of screen roles could I go for? Just negative thoughts invading my brain for the longest time. I decided I’d be a theatre actor, I wont have to see those performances right? The long rehearsal schedules are cool if that’s all you’re doing but with a 9 to 5, it gets rough.

I was on YouTube watching some performance videos and saw an interview with Mary Mary, in it one of the ladies say “He gave YOU a gift, he doesn’t want you to be anyone else. There’s already one of us, be you and do you.” I am paraphrasing here but the message is here. Just as I was asking my angels for a message to guide me through I come across this video. I’m sticking with this class and this art form. Hard as it may seem I will never look like Micheal Ealy or Shemar Moore ( the light-skinned acting brigade) and that’s gonna have to be ok.

I went out on a limb and signed up with some fellow school mates to participate in a 48 hour film challenge. Putting together a movie in 48 hours is no walk in the park. I enjoyed it and loved the experience. Watching myself on camera is gonna be another battle, im still not used to it. Cant I be one of those actors who does films but never watches them? I’m loving the creative people I get to meet through schooling and actual shooting. I call these time capsule moments. It may never happen again but in that time, in that place, everything was as it was meant to be.I’m liking my life more now, what a great feeling!

CaesarMarques

Have a Little Faith In Me

Faith is something i’ve grown to have because it gets me through my life. I believe the Universe has something out there for me that is better than what i’m dealing with now.

I come back from taking some vacation days to my place of employment and basically there’s a mess. My response is

You were so busy that you couldn’t do the right thing and clean up after yourself? I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know how much longer I can take working at this place. This is where my faith has strongly played a part in my life.

I’ve only had 2 full-time jobs in my life and one ended because the company went out of business. My faith allowed me to pursue this opportunity knowing I’d get it so I can make the transition from job to job without being unemployed. The problem is that I got complacent and stayed at this job I don’t like for way too long and now it and most people who work there are getting under my skin. Dude, why are you still there you ask? The money is decent and my passion is in the creative arts which in my midwestern town,finding jobs that pay can be iffy.

I started about a year ago applying heavily to jobs in my actual degree and the response that was most popular was not enough experience. How can I get experience if no one will hire me?! Faith at this point is on the downward slide, I’ve asked the universe why am I not finding work that can pay my bills while pursuing my real passion and vocation. Quit my job and hope another comes along seems so foreign to me and to be honest stupid. I don’t want to go back after quitting because I know I could.

Prayer has helped me in some dicey situations and I try to pray at least once a day. All the solutions I’ve come up with seems so far-fetched that it seems improbable. Is that what faith is? Knowing that the solutions I am praying for, are for my own good even though they seem so out of what I would do on my own. I’ve gotten back up after setbacks because I had to. uncertainty in my future is crazy when my way of living is jeopardized but maybe that’s when Faith needs to be strongest.

Is the Universe saying have a little faith in me? Is the Universe saying believe I can and will provide for you!

Its hard work but seems like the best option.

Caesar Marques

Who Wants to Marry Me?

*From a conversation with my mom* ” I bought new bowls because I don’t know what your dad does with the other ones, he takes them out and I never see them again. I just don’t get it, boy I tell ya.” My reply “he’s been like that for 30 years you should know by now. This is what you signed up for when you married this man” Her reply “If you don’t shut up about what I signed up for”.

I’ve been waiting a couple of days to write about this topic because I wanted to get my thoughts together because I tend to ramble on and on. On Friday June 26,2015 the Supreme Court voted that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states!!! I am a same gender loving fella so this benefits me someday. However I was surprised by overwhelming emotions upon hearing this news. Tears filled my eyes when the e-mail came through for the many couples who want this and now have the chance to be recognized. I never saw myself as getting married partly because of my low self- esteem among other things (hey I’m honest).

Do I think society will crumble because of this news? No the world will go on just as it was before only difference is that instead of having commitment ceremonies there will be weddings for same-sex couples. I made the mistake of going on Facebook that same day and my heart was punched repeatedly by reading some nasty, hateful comments made by “Christians”.I believe there is a god, I believe he preaches love among ALL people. I have never read the bible cover to cover (not enough suspense, sex, drugs and all that stuff that makes a book go bestseller) but there are some that have and will tell you how to live your life according to this book.

“Only that which is directly written by God’s Hand can be said to be free of errors and to be absolutely true in every way. All the other works are prone to all the errors that human beings are prone: poor memory and forgetfulness, lack of understanding and so on and so forth. This is not to say that these works are not of value; on the contrary they are of great value but with the caveat that sometimes the works were written down decades after the passing away of the original truth-bringer, as for example, the teaching of Jesus.Only Divinity is Perfect and as such a Work or Writing that proceeds from Divinity’s Hand would be perfect and all-embracing, devoid of any form of errors. Therefore no religious teaching of today can claim the absolute right to an unadulterated Message from God since none of the teachings have been written by God’s Hand Himself but only through His Messengers who as described above were human beings and as such prone to all the errors that we human beings are prone.”

–In The Light Of Truth: The Grail Message by Abd-ru-shin. The Stiftung Gralsbotschaft Publishing Company, Stuttgart, Germany 1990

We are all entitled to believe what we want to believe and feel how we want to feel. That being said I am fully ready to embrace how I feel and not put up with negative energies of those whose love is conditional. To the single christian brothers and sisters, have you ever thought that the reason you are still looking for the Mr and Mrs in your life is because you spend so much energy trying to put down someone else marrying their Mr and Mrs? What we put out comes back to us I believe, so all that hatred could be blocking your blessings.

Lets be honest there’s racism all around us that hasn’t went away, there seems to be a total disregard for life when someone can go into a block party and shoot it up knowing there are kids there.You cant procreate if there is nobody left on the planet, right? I’m sure in time the support will come, hopefully while I’m still alive. Its a shame that its more prevalent in the African-American community being that it took us so long to get all our rights.

The lesson I’ve learned is that you need thick skin to live in this society and be yourself. To live your truth whatever it may be. The joker in me wants to go to some baptist churches and pass out wedding planning services for same-sex couples. I’m gonna continue to keep praying that the world starts coming together and not get divided. We are stronger together than apart.

Going back to the conversation with my mom, that is what you sign up for the good and the bad. Gay couples will be no different from straight couples, we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna get divorced. It’s life and it changes, get on the bandwagon or get left behind.So on a lighter note, I’m thinking night-time at a beach candles lit nice breeze for a wedding. I can cook, keep a clean house, good credit. Who wants to marry me?

CaesarMarques

Me #POETRY

I knew he existed just had to find him somewhere

all the times that life kept him under wraps

It was a pleasure to know he had my back

Confident, Courageous, Cocky he can appear to be

as I dug deep in the spirit of all that is me.

He comes to play at different times, he’s picky about

the energy he shares, at some points you can look at him

and it may seem that there are no cares. Hiding is crucial

because of what society deems the right thing to be, say or act

As a matter of fact the light that shines so bright can be dimmed by certain

words of no fault of his own just a insecurity overgrown

Its getting easier as the years go by, love of self is a virtue that comes to

play almost every day. Watching, waiting, hoping, praying that it never goes away

the intense desire to be, feel and radiate true unconditional love. When it goes to the universe

and boomerangs back you never think of the lack

lack of money, lack of significant other, lack of friendships, lack of honesty

With yourself and others because of the fear that comes with it. It’s never enough

It will never be enough but you are enough some people look at you and see

all that you don’t the goodness, the funny, the sexy, the all around mushy gorgeous

Something will catch you and point it all out and you will not be able to deny it

and why should you?

CaesarMarques

My Shield…..#poetry

I had to draw you in with a story to tell

about a man some people pretend to know so well.

I’ve struggled with weight for a bulk of my life eating burgers and shakes

I never thought twice. Entering my mid 30’s this year shined a light

so bright that I had to face my truth. It can construed as a guard between me and the

world, a buffer to keep people away because society says big is bad

Thinking like that can keep you from the life you were meant to have

In my life it has kept me out of fights, out of love, out of physical entrapments

that could open my eyes to what the world really is and could be. Its sad I know

you don’t realize how much you can grow from learning that there’s a place for everyone

and feeling sorry for yourself can be a turn off. Burn off the stinky recesses of the past

so that your future can be a blast. newfound appreciation was found when I looked in the mirror

and saw my invisible crown, sword ,scepter and shield took it off and what was revealed?

Me in my glory only as happy as I chose to be its only up to me to have the life that’s meant to be

Opening my heart will be one of the greatest battles of my life I’m gonna need all the support that

the universe will give. In the end it’s gonna be all good no pressure no cooker all love.

The shield comes off, is this when truly enjoying your life begins?

CaesarMarques

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Full Definition of ACTOR

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