Step into it, be fabulous dahling….

essay, life, memoir

                                {Including Me}
                              

     

Told by a co-worker you should have more confidence in yourself 

Confidence doesn’t come easy, based on the belief that if I think too highly people will make it there mission to take me down

Which brings the point that people are not thinking of me as much as I think of me

People have said “you’re handsome”, but would people actually say “you ugly”?

I overthink, I criticize, I realize thats who I am 

If I’m gifted at making acquaintances , own it

If people want to see me smile, do it 

If the leadership at my job wants me to lead and that’s the end goal anyway, don’t shrink and automatically recommend someone else

If you fail, that means you tried right?

In 2017, I’ve gotta step into my greatness and claim my place in this world no backing down 

Most people want me to thrive and I should want that for myself 

And I can’t do that wishing to be someone else 

I step into this place, the table has been set

Now muthafucka you better eat…..
© Marcus Caesar

Photo courtesy of Tumblr 

Have you ever? 

creative non-fiction, essay, life, memoir

…wanted so bad to live life on your own terms but so busy comparing that you forgot what your terms were?

…started being attracted to the same sex at a early age but deathly afraid of people finding out so you go into a shell?

…love to sleep because your dream life is one of the happiest places you can go?

…put words in people’s mouths, automatically give them a story as to why they wouldn’t like you without actually knowing that person?

…as a teenager neglect cleanliness about yourself so that it would put up a wall as to keep people out?

…went years without sex because you find your body disgusting?

…go out of your way to make people smile and laugh so that the universe will send people to do the same for you?

…decided that the “fuck it all” attitude is the way to be from here on out, when the world seems way too complicated and you’re sensitive to the energies of that world for better or worse 


…to be continued 



©MarcusCaesar

…gif courtesy of GIPHY.com

2016 Year In Review

creative non-fiction, essay, life, memoir, Uncategorized

giphy-5

Hey Everyone, I don’t believe I did this last year. I’m gonna do a synopsis of how my year has gone down with the help of gifs (love them). My goal next year is to contribute more to this space so you can get to know me better through words and photography, I think I may do a whole redesign of the blog but we shall see…….

All I Ask 

I was in a temporary job in which I didn’t love just getting by in the start of the year. I was working a shift that didn’t allow me to do any of my creative endeavors that 2015 had me interested in (acting classes, doing plays etc) my thought process was do a good job and you may become permanent. So I did, perfect attendance and stellar call quality according to my superiors I wouldnt been a model permanent employee, but because this was still considered temporary I took other interviews hoping for a full-time permanent position. I’m asking the heavens to bless me with full-time employment so I don’t default on my car loan, credit cards, student loans etc…

No

I got let go from that temporary job with the reasoning “They just don’t feel you are long-term employee material”. My question is who is? Do I want to stay making Lil money with a fucking bachelors degree? No. So I am going to better myself AND search for other opportunities while working, it only makes sense right? So they were right in retrospect, as soon as I found another opportunity I was out of there quick, fast and in a hurry. Luckily I qualified for unemployment benefits that got me through bills-wise. I already had trouble with stress and depression tied to my self-worth and this little setback didn’t do anything to help matters.

 Darkness and Light

When summer started to roll in, so did me eating my feelings and feeling down because I’m going to interviews upon interviews and still nothing. One company I interviewed with twice and they were known to hire any and everybody…….. but not me. Bitches

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Fill out online 80 page questionnaire/ application….. Phone Interview….. In-Person Interview….. “we’ve decided to go with other candidates, good luck with your job search”

My favorite part of the summer? I decided to take singing lessons to keep my creative juices flowing and I thought i was okay at it on the way to being stellar at it. It was a testament to me doing something I’ve always wanted to do and finding a way to get it done. I met some cool ladies there who were all in the same boat I was in (learning) and it was a highlight of my year.Middle of the summer I decided to check out a play that one of my acting teachers wrote and it starred a couple of peeps I had acting classes with, I happened to sit with The Lady H another acting classmate who was also there for support as well. I went through my story and she offered to go over my resume and give me tips on how to stand out in a crowded employment field. She spruced up my resume and sent me links to some openings and encouraged me to join LinkedIn. The Lady H was a blessing beyond words and I thank God i was able to get out of my own way and not turn down help because of pride and what not.

  Ultralight Beam

I wanted to share my writings with the world and so I decided that I would submit some of my poetry for publication. I learned that you really should read the publications you are submitting to, needless to say my selections didn’t get picked and a valuable lesson was learned. Score one for experience……I woke up one morning in July and while trying to rush to the bathroom for my morning whizz, my mother hit me with the news that my cousin had passed. He was only 2 years older than me, we weren’t close to be honest, that was a product of my insecurities being around straight dudes and what not, but when we did see each other it was all love. I was in the midst of taking singing lessons and he was a music producer. Who knows what could have happened if we mixed and I had opened up about this part of my life. I try not to dwell on the what could have beens. Rest In Paradise

Breathing Underwater

Hot, Humid August rolls around my unemployment benefits are at an end, resubmit my updated polished resume to all the different job search engines and I get some calls. Interviews roll through and I get 2 job offers in one day. Which do I choose? It came down to the schedules being offered and so I chose cable. I’m still there, going on the 5 month mark. Some days are longer and harder than others but that is to be expected in Customer Service. I’m still playing catch-up with getting my self-love back on track, I did connect with some cool people on social media whom I could consider friends, maybe one day I’ll share some vocal stylings on this here blog. 😉 I traveled to Toronto a place I’ve always wanted to visit and I booked a trip to Los Angeles in February 2017 , so more travel is definitely on my itinerary for this upcoming year. I learned I am resilient, confident at times, lazy, undeniably cool, charming and blessed.

So 2017 I’m ready for you……Let’s

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©Marcus-Caesar

 

*gifs courtesy of Giphy.com*

 

 

 

 

Now is here at this moment…

life, Lists
and-will-you-succeed-dr-seuss-quote-1024x563

courtesy of Bing Images

I haven’t been happy for a while, there I said it. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I put so much on material things and the need to feel like I’m somebody and have it be acknowledged in the world that I lost sight of joy. I see it in others but have yet to acknowledge it in my own existence. Will I find it? It’s a daily challenge. Its hard work trying to give smiles when you feel sad.  I’ve neglected this blog because I’ve felt dry creatively. I’m sure that most writers have felt this way at some point in their journey. Today I’m gonna take a step in another direction and post 15 things I’m in love with and grateful for right now, because today is the 15th. 😉

1)      Emeli Sande’ s “Don’t Fight The Bullet”, “Colorblind” and “Hurts”

2)      Adidas Slides

3)      Norah Jones’s “Change is Gonna Come”

4)      Twitter for endless commentary that’s funny, inspiring and outrageous

5)      The means to pay bills

6)      A man with nice feet

7)      Marvel Comic illustration covers based on Hip-Hop Album covers

8)      Garlicky shrimp pasta alfredo

9)      Barbers who adjust to your schedule

10)  The whole movie theatre experience (seats, big screen, surround sound, snacks)

11)  Mudslides

12)   Christina Aguilera’s “I Will Be”

13)   Toronto, Canada

14)  British Pop Music

15)  People who accept me as I am.

Vocal Warmup

life, poetry, Uncategorized

stock-photo-senior-music-teacher-pointing-to-a-music-board-72910063

Find your natural voice the teacher says

Never knowing the price the past paid

In losing such a valuable instrument.

Sounding like a girl when you’re supposed

 To be a man can let down your spirits

Up your guard and unknowingly make your life hard

Find your natural voice the teacher says

No falsetto, strong and proud

I wanna hear your voice so sing it loud

Pick a song any song share your gift with the world

I’m here for a reason to help you understand

Voices come in all shapes and sizes

Its time you realizes that we won’t all

Sound the same, look the same

I can’t pretend to understand your pain

But I can help you become aware

Gifts so rare that not everyone gets it

It’s for the tried and true alone

Give it some time your flower will be full blown

Luther, Freddie, Donny, Sam, Michael and Prince

Shared, cared and paved the way with musical talent

Beyond compare, so how dare you

Not treat this gift with the utmost care

Nurture it, teach it, stretch it

Find your natural voice the teacher says

I will I reply give me some time

Learn for this gift, use this gift

Share this gift because God gave me this gift.

 

©MarcusCaesar

It’s always on my mind.

essay, life, memoir, Uncategorized
thoughts

photo courtesy of Bing.com/images

Hi. I’m a mess.

I came back from a road trip recently and some things popped in my head when my best friend said to me on the way home “I thought you were going to get loose, everyone seemed open except you.” Well thanks best friend, if I didn’t like you so much I would’ve pushed you out at the rest area. (I kid) I hate to replay the same narrative over and over so I’ll just say this what people has said about me in the past, I tend to think in the present.

People were not nice in the past, let me tell ya. I believed and believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way to get what you want. In my choosing not to, I’m being a rebel, original and also single, not wealthy and so on and so forth. It’s all in my thoughts right? I’ve read somewhere that thoughts become things, what you think will ultimately be what manifests in real life.

In short, I’m doing horrible at this.

I want to change. I really do.

It’s been a rough 2016 so far. Want to find my light and keep it.

 

CaesarMarques

 

Finding Out… Part 1

life, poetry, Uncategorized
searching_new_life

Photo Credit: Bing Images

All over the place these

Thoughts of mines trying to

Get it together

 

I wanted to do everything

Creativity formed at birth

So what has stopped me?

 

A fear, opinions, lies

Of someone else’s experiences

Branded on me since birth

 

Took time to form my own

I’m on my path

Stars have aligned

Watch out here I come

 

©2016 CaesarMarques

 

Some Puzzle Pieces Wont Fit…

life, poetry, Uncategorized
dontfitin-700x700-300x300

Photo credit: Bing Images

I bought some new shoes

Now it takes away the blues

Walking strong alone

 

I bought a new car

Moonroof and leather seats

Am I ever gonna get to share these treats

 

I bought some jewelry

Gold shining in the light

Whose hand am I holding tonight?

 

I bought a new home

Marble counters and jetted tub

Life is great dinner’s ready at 8

 

I bought a new body

6 pack abs and ego to match

Attitude strong no problems here

 

I bought a new life

Found out it didn’t fulfill what was inside

All the insecurities I tried to hide.

 

©2016 CaesarMarques

When unavailable feels so good…

life, poetry, Uncategorized
piccit_forbidden_love_608469096.640x0

photo credit: bing.com/images

When the sun sets our tongues collide

I’ve been waiting for you strong

The pressure mounts the thoughts seep

Through sweat through our pores why

Didn’t I ever ignore the signs you showed

My feelings were bold truth be told I didn’t

Wouldn’t care these sweet nothings were ours

To share between us too but deep down I knew

You didn’t have to tell me I saw in your gifts

The weekend visits the out of town trips

My heart can’t take much more of this ache

My feelings I forsake for the sanctity of your hands

In mines. It’s not meant to be I don’t want to be on

The side watching family pics on IG wishing that was me

That’s not the life I see for myself

It won’t feel the same without you but

It’s a price I have to pay there can be no other way

I’ll miss your lip quiver when my tongue touched that space

And I’ll also miss that smile on your face

My life will go on this I know to be true

I’m making this the ending for me and you.

©2016 Caesar Marques