Dreams are real, vivid productions, high quality writing. Making them come true could be the hard part, afraid to share your art never knowing if you could brighten someone’s day or save a life.
Stuck in the same place , to everything and everyone you know. The encouragement is there from your peers and everywhere but you can’t find it inside yourself, it’s like your deaf to your own praise.
Prayers and meditation that’s what they say, invest in your life, things work out great that way. I’ve been diligent in this practice all along but it’s not enough to make me strong. Strong enough to make that move, Pursue my dreams.
Life is always changing, I’m still holding on. I’ll have to do it and adjust later. I may fail which makes me shudder with fear, but what else do I do dear? Cry about it, sulk about it, whine about it. Will that make things better? I doubt it.
“Dad what’s a faggot? “he wouldn’t look at me he just kept driving. It seemed like miles had passed before he spoke. “Why would you ask me some shit like that, you heard your mom say that?”
” I just wanted to know because I heard some boys call somebody that in class and the boy started crying.”Next thing I know there was a bop bip bop and there was a swoosh sound and then my dad saying FUCK real loud. We pull into a motel on the highway and just sit there.
Silence fills the car as time seems to drag. “Well it looks like we got a flat tire my dude and I don’t think I have a fucking spare.” Call uncle Darrell I say, he got a big truck to come help us don’t he like to fix things? My dad continues “before I do let’s talk about living with your mom since I’ve been gone is everything good, ain’t nobody fucking with you Is they? I look at him and we both smile.”it’s OK I say she is grumpy most of the time but she lets she lets me eat Taco Bell all the time,but dad you didn’t answer my question what is a faggot?”
My dad,never at a loss for words took extra time to answer too long for my taste. A deep breath in and he begins explain “you know I made a vow to myself and to you when you were a little dude to always tell you the truth because that’s where I want you to be empowered, I will always support the truth tellers and the real people. Authenticity is how you live your best life son it’s where it’s at and don’t you forget that shit.The word faggot i believe is a slur used to make it seem wrong to like someone of the same sex, some use it to describe a gay man.”
My brow immediately furrowed and he continued “some folks want everybody to be the same, have the same beliefs, act the same, love the same and that my dude is not how the world works.” It kind of made since to me since the boy they picked on acted girly, kids thought he liked other boys. He continued “the word faggot is a term that tries to make gay people feel bad about themselves and make them mad and sad.”
I asked him “did you call anybody a faggot when you were younger?” He pulled out his cell phone and started to dial while speaking to me “I wasn’t the smart young dude like you so yeah, I used that word before I knew what it meant.I bet not ever catch you using it you hear me!”
My 10-year-old brain comprehended that with surprising ease but I was now hungry and though I had more questions he was on the phone talking to my uncle and I was mesmerized watching the 18 wheelers go by.
…wanted so bad to live life on your own terms but so busy comparing that you forgot what your terms were?
…started being attracted to the same sex at a early age but deathly afraid of people finding out so you go into a shell?
…love to sleep because your dream life is one of the happiest places you can go?
…put words in people’s mouths, automatically give them a story as to why they wouldn’t like you without actually knowing that person?
…as a teenager neglect cleanliness about yourself so that it would put up a wall as to keep people out?
…went years without sex because you find your body disgusting?
…go out of your way to make people smile and laugh so that the universe will send people to do the same for you?
…decided that the “fuck it all” attitude is the way to be from here on out, when the world seems way too complicated and you’re sensitive to the energies of that world for better or worse
Hey Everyone, I don’t believe I did this last year. I’m gonna do a synopsis of how my year has gone down with the help of gifs (love them). My goal next year is to contribute more to this space so you can get to know me better through words and photography, I think I may do a whole redesign of the blog but we shall see…….
All I Ask
I was in a temporary job in which I didn’t love just getting by in the start of the year. I was working a shift that didn’t allow me to do any of my creative endeavors that 2015 had me interested in (acting classes, doing plays etc) my thought process was do a good job and you may become permanent. So I did, perfect attendance and stellar call quality according to my superiors I wouldnt been a model permanent employee, but because this was still considered temporary I took other interviews hoping for a full-time permanent position. I’m asking the heavens to bless me with full-time employment so I don’t default on my car loan, credit cards, student loans etc…
No
I got let go from that temporary job with the reasoning “They just don’t feel you are long-term employee material”. My question is who is? Do I want to stay making Lil money with a fucking bachelors degree? No. So I am going to better myself AND search for other opportunities while working, it only makes sense right? So they were right in retrospect, as soon as I found another opportunity I was out of there quick, fast and in a hurry. Luckily I qualified for unemployment benefits that got me through bills-wise. I already had trouble with stress and depression tied to my self-worth and this little setback didn’t do anything to help matters.
Darkness and Light
When summer started to roll in, so did me eating my feelings and feeling down because I’m going to interviews upon interviews and still nothing. One company I interviewed with twice and they were known to hire any and everybody…….. but not me. Bitches
Fill out online 80 page questionnaire/ application….. Phone Interview….. In-Person Interview….. “we’ve decided to go with other candidates, good luck with your job search”
My favorite part of the summer? I decided to take singing lessons to keep my creative juices flowing and I thought i was okay at it on the way to being stellar at it. It was a testament to me doing something I’ve always wanted to do and finding a way to get it done. I met some cool ladies there who were all in the same boat I was in (learning) and it was a highlight of my year.Middle of the summer I decided to check out a play that one of my acting teachers wrote and it starred a couple of peeps I had acting classes with, I happened to sit with The Lady H another acting classmate who was also there for support as well. I went through my story and she offered to go over my resume and give me tips on how to stand out in a crowded employment field. She spruced up my resume and sent me links to some openings and encouraged me to join LinkedIn. The Lady H was a blessing beyond words and I thank God i was able to get out of my own way and not turn down help because of pride and what not.
Ultralight Beam
I wanted to share my writings with the world and so I decided that I would submit some of my poetry for publication. I learned that you really should read the publications you are submitting to, needless to say my selections didn’t get picked and a valuable lesson was learned. Score one for experience……I woke up one morning in July and while trying to rush to the bathroom for my morning whizz, my mother hit me with the news that my cousin had passed. He was only 2 years older than me, we weren’t close to be honest, that was a product of my insecurities being around straight dudes and what not, but when we did see each other it was all love. I was in the midst of taking singing lessons and he was a music producer. Who knows what could have happened if we mixed and I had opened up about this part of my life. I try not to dwell on the what could have beens. Rest In Paradise
Breathing Underwater
Hot, Humid August rolls around my unemployment benefits are at an end, resubmit my updated polished resume to all the different job search engines and I get some calls. Interviews roll through and I get 2 job offers in one day. Which do I choose? It came down to the schedules being offered and so I chose cable. I’m still there, going on the 5 month mark. Some days are longer and harder than others but that is to be expected in Customer Service. I’m still playing catch-up with getting my self-love back on track, I did connect with some cool people on social media whom I could consider friends, maybe one day I’ll share some vocal stylings on this here blog. 😉 I traveled to Toronto a place I’ve always wanted to visit and I booked a trip to Los Angeles in February 2017 , so more travel is definitely on my itinerary for this upcoming year. I learned I am resilient, confident at times, lazy, undeniably cool, charming and blessed.
I haven’t been happy for a while, there I said it. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I put so much on material things and the need to feel like I’m somebody and have it be acknowledged in the world that I lost sight of joy. I see it in others but have yet to acknowledge it in my own existence. Will I find it? It’s a daily challenge. Its hard work trying to give smiles when you feel sad. I’ve neglected this blog because I’ve felt dry creatively. I’m sure that most writers have felt this way at some point in their journey. Today I’m gonna take a step in another direction and post 15 things I’m in love with and grateful for right now, because today is the 15th. 😉
1)Emeli Sande’ s “Don’t Fight The Bullet”, “Colorblind” and “Hurts”
2)Adidas Slides
3)Norah Jones’s “Change is Gonna Come”
4)Twitter for endless commentary that’s funny, inspiring and outrageous
5)The means to pay bills
6)A man with nice feet
7)Marvel Comic illustration covers based on Hip-Hop Album covers
8)Garlicky shrimp pasta alfredo
9)Barbers who adjust to your schedule
10)The whole movie theatre experience (seats, big screen, surround sound, snacks)
koolest1uknow 