I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.
I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).
This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.
Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.
This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right? I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?
I care 4 u
Theres something you’re not telling me maybe you think I wouldn’t understand
Troubles run deep this I know, but only on your face does a smile show
Talk to me all night long, I want to listen, be that guiding voice you need to hear
Long sentences form, your trust I have earned so tell me whats going on?
It takes so much to get through this life, the hills and valleys, the joy and sorrow
No one is without problems this I can share, hoping that you know how much I care
Angel In Disguise
You lighten up as we talk more, the clouds are parting, the thunder is quieting
Issues we were both scared to face come to sight helping us both see the future in all its light
Bonds are welded shut, love is exchanged, priorities are rearranged
I’m never far away, that’s what telecommunications are for
please don’t ever hesitate to knock on my door.