I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.
I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).
This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.
Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.
This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right? I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?
Find your natural voice the teacher says
Never knowing the price the past paid
In losing such a valuable instrument.
Sounding like a girl when you’re supposed
To be a man can let down your spirits
Up your guard and unknowingly make your life hard
Find your natural voice the teacher says
No falsetto, strong and proud
I wanna hear your voice so sing it loud
Pick a song any song share your gift with the world
I’m here for a reason to help you understand
Voices come in all shapes and sizes
Its time you realizes that we won’t all
Sound the same, look the same
I can’t pretend to understand your pain
But I can help you become aware
Gifts so rare that not everyone gets it
It’s for the tried and true alone
Give it some time your flower will be full blown
Luther, Freddie, Donny, Sam, Michael and Prince
Shared, cared and paved the way with musical talent
Beyond compare, so how dare you
Not treat this gift with the utmost care
Nurture it, teach it, stretch it
Find your natural voice the teacher says
I will I reply give me some time
Learn for this gift, use this gift
Share this gift because God gave me this gift.
Hi. I’m a mess.
I came back from a road trip recently and some things popped in my head when my best friend said to me on the way home “I thought you were going to get loose, everyone seemed open except you.” Well thanks best friend, if I didn’t like you so much I would’ve pushed you out at the rest area. (I kid) I hate to replay the same narrative over and over so I’ll just say this what people has said about me in the past, I tend to think in the present.
People were not nice in the past, let me tell ya. I believed and believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way to get what you want. In my choosing not to, I’m being a rebel, original and also single, not wealthy and so on and so forth. It’s all in my thoughts right? I’ve read somewhere that thoughts become things, what you think will ultimately be what manifests in real life.
In short, I’m doing horrible at this.
I want to change. I really do.
It’s been a rough 2016 so far. Want to find my light and keep it.
All over the place these
Thoughts of mines trying to
Get it together
I wanted to do everything
Creativity formed at birth
So what has stopped me?
A fear, opinions, lies
Of someone else’s experiences
Branded on me since birth
Took time to form my own
I’m on my path
Stars have aligned
Watch out here I come
I bought some new shoes
Now it takes away the blues
Walking strong alone
I bought a new car
Moonroof and leather seats
Am I ever gonna get to share these treats
I bought some jewelry
Gold shining in the light
Whose hand am I holding tonight?
I bought a new home
Marble counters and jetted tub
Life is great dinner’s ready at 8
I bought a new body
6 pack abs and ego to match
Attitude strong no problems here
I bought a new life
Found out it didn’t fulfill what was inside
All the insecurities I tried to hide.
When the sun sets our tongues collide
I’ve been waiting for you strong
The pressure mounts the thoughts seep
Through sweat through our pores why
Didn’t I ever ignore the signs you showed
My feelings were bold truth be told I didn’t
Wouldn’t care these sweet nothings were ours
To share between us too but deep down I knew
You didn’t have to tell me I saw in your gifts
The weekend visits the out of town trips
My heart can’t take much more of this ache
My feelings I forsake for the sanctity of your hands
In mines. It’s not meant to be I don’t want to be on
The side watching family pics on IG wishing that was me
That’s not the life I see for myself
It won’t feel the same without you but
It’s a price I have to pay there can be no other way
I’ll miss your lip quiver when my tongue touched that space
And I’ll also miss that smile on your face
My life will go on this I know to be true
I’m making this the ending for me and you.
©2016 Caesar Marques
Separating the artist from the art. Its kind of hard to take them apart.
He hates the LGBT community and so does she but I love the art they put
into the world. Question comes up should I support or should I abort
all media from these people who don’t agree with my life
and no it’s not a lifestyle, I could go for miles running my mouth
about how hypocritical these artists are, problem is my arguments
wont go very far. Many people talk but not a lot of people listen would
they really stop and pay attention? what I feel is valid and what you feel
is valid too lets both live our lives making it do what it do. I listen to some
music because its inspirational, the universe helped you sing that song to
help everyone including me, member of the LGBT. When you pass I will mourn
you and the art you shared for you were an inspiration, one of those who dared
be unapologetically who you were. A lesson for us all
Ipod turned up loud passing on seems to do that to an artist you’ve admired for so long
the music loud and fierce never saw you live but from what ive heard that concert was one
not to miss the TV performances are what I gauge my fascination on that’s right he’s gone.
The Beautiful Ones-Brilliant
I wanna be your Lover -Magnificent
Diamonds and Pearls- Ultimate Love Song
Sexy MF -Manifesto
Growing up lighter skinned black it felt like you were our compass on how we shouldn’t
act. You were deemed soft so we all were soft, you dressed in a way that was all your own
There you were unapologetically light, permed, sometimes made up one time ass all out
I was young I didn’t know or care what that was all about. In the later years your artistry
never waned you taught us light-skinned men that we can be beautiful, hair layed,
eyebrows done and still have a shit ton of fun. It wasn’t about sexuality so much it was
freedom of expression. Fuck the box. Create your own lane. There will never be another.
I believe in my heart of hearts this is what you’d want. No facsimiles.
Create our own space. Be your own individual. Shock the world. Live on your own terms.
You will never leave because music never dies. R.I.P
Photo Courtesy of Bing Images
In 1980, the foundation was solid, hearts were filled, joy was released
peace had been found a new entity was in town.
Growing up not knowing how he felt was considered wrong he clawed
and he clawed but ultimately felt all alone.
Then it came, teenage years hit like a brick, hygiene less than perfect
fitting in was the goal, slowly selling his soul.
The property fell in decay, all that promise slowly started going away
he had much to say but didn’t feel safe enough to say it.
Oh, many people tried to get behind the wall others just teased
family plus friends et all.
Shut down, anti social, a brick home no foundation just a lot of furniture
send people away it’s for the best don’t you see the S on this chest?
Late 20’s a merger was announced, spirit and joy came to rescue your boy
and things started turning around.
It shows what happens when investing in yourself because let’s face it, it could be no one else
that will take care of things like you can.
Are things perfect not at all he’s still scared to fall but knows there’s a net
and a light that never fails and likea great angelic spirit this dude will prevail.