Category: Uncategorized

I hesitate to say but…

thinking-man

I hesitate to say that spending 9 years at one job kind of hurt my future job prospects or it just feels like it,

 I hesitate to say that being celibate and not dating for awhile took me out of the loop as far as being in a social romantic way,

 I hesitate to say that living under my parents roof taught me to be enabled beyond my wildest dreams and that If I lived on my own things could be worse,

 I hesitate to say that being fat has given me a level of security that is unmatched simply because of my size,

I hesitate to say that I make friends with some people based on the fact that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with them and shouldn’t be disappointed when it turns out they are or never were interested,

 I hesitate to say wishing and hoping things will be better almost never works if there is no effort put behind it,

 I hesitate to say that being gay is something as a youngster I would change but now as an adult I wouldn’t change a thing,

 I hesitate to say that being alone but not lonely is a joy in my life if only because most of the time I enjoy my company,

I hesitate to say that buying things in my youth for the purpose of notice me syndrome is gone replaced by what the hell am I gonna do with this a year from now,

 I hesitate to say that infatuation and love is 2 different things and I found out the hard way,

I hesitate to say that losing weight will make more people like me, get me more sex with beautiful people, get acting jobs, and just generally make life better because skinny fit people look like they have it all together,

I hesitate to say that I prefer sleep because my dream life is much more interesting than real life,

I hesitate to say that writing this post makes me feel much better because getting out my feelings takes some of the heaviness off my shoulders,

I hesitate to say that I’m working on being the best man, friend, lover, homie, brother I can be.

2016 ©CaesarMarques

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Let it Go (2015)

elsagiphy.gif

I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.

Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.

For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better  door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish

th180YCCP2All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.

I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now?  I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.

CaesarMarques

 

Photo Courtesy of: Giphy.com/Frozen,  Bing.com/Hyperliterature

 

Its good to have allies…

As i’m learning more and more about activism on all sides,when doing research it is good to know some celebrities share my sentiments on issues relating to me. In this case the LGBT community. We still have a ways to go for equality but I stand in faith that someday soon we will all have the same rights across the board.

primary__20_20_20_20_20_201246027846-gaypride_flag_1251120c-thumb-500x313-35245

A Fitness Challenge….Motivate me Please :-}

All These people look happy to exercise..Is it contagious?
All These people look happy to exercise..Is it contagious?

My weight has always been an issue for me well at least since High School when i thought eating multiple whoppers with cheese would cure my social anxieties. In the early 90’s for some reason burgers were always on sale and I was happy to take advantage. You have to realize that I grew up on 8 mile (A famous movie that was set not on that particular road but was filmed near it which makes it special nonetheless) where there were ALL different types of fast food restaurants close by. My parents worked a lot and rarely cooked anything i liked, so i lived on banquet dinners, Kraft Macaroni in the box and Fast Food restaurant of my choice.

I used the excuse that walking to said restaurants I was exercising the McNuggets off. It didn’t work. I rarely exercised besides the walking to the restaurants, so as you can guess I never lost the weight. I did bowl, so i have strong/toned arms. At my biggest I was a 54 waist, working for a grocery store I had access to a lot of junky foods, fried chicken and the occasional salad. I was talked about and teased for being the big guy but that didn’t motivate me that just sent me to ask for more hours so I can upgrade to super size meals at THAT restaurant. As a grown man it was up and down, up and down for my weight until my pimp Sallie Mae came through.

Having Sallie’s help, I signed up for a medical weight loss plan that cut my calorie intake dramatically while going to the gym 3 days a week. Good News was that I lost 93 pounds. Bad News was that in the maintenance portion of the program I gained 35 of it back. I however continued to go to the gym upping my time there to 5 days a week. I’m thinking if i’m gonna pay for it better use it. I gained muscle and I was content, not happy though. I did this all while on the midnight shift, so I was proud. I recently (Sept) went to the day shift and i’m finding it hard to stay on the fitness track I set up.

This is where the challenge comes in. I follow many people on social media who are fit, it can be done I know this. I wanna connect with people like me who work a 9 to 5 gig and stay fit. No offense to the personal trainers who work 9 to 5, i’m excluding you because your job is at the GYM. It gets me annoyed when Famous people give advice because they have access to things that a regular shmo like me don’t (personal trainers, personal cooks,  more money).

This is my idea of a great gym ....EMPTY!!!
This is my idea of a great gym ….EMPTY!!!

In conclusion, where are my fitness warriors who can help me out? Working a job and taking care of family and STILL go to the gym, i salute you. I’m learning not to stress so much over it, its more enjoyable that way. i’m gonna go now, I have a date with Leg Day in the morning. (sigh)

35 is here, am I where I thought i’d be?

IMG_0117

I turned 35 two weeks ago, no big celebration at all. I long ago gave up on the ice cream and cake phenomenon. Remember when you were younger and you had a list of what you were gonna have accomplished by a certain age? I had one of those lists and by golly I was gonna make it work, I was gonna tear it up and make another. HA! Life has a funny way of checking you especially on that day once a year that you’re reminded that you’re not getting any younger.

My problem lies in the fact that I wanted to do EVERYTHING that had  anything to do with creativity.From Fashion Designer (bought a sketch Pad, did one sketch), Cosmetologist ( Why can’t I make a helicopter out of hair? Looks cool right? Some gel, a plan and some weave. Went to school for 3 years never went to the State Board), Movie Director ( There’s still Time right? I mean most of the successful ones are in their 40’s I tell myself), Actor (I’m Taking Classes now! A dream I may be good at! Hot Damn!!!), Artist ( My dad is a great one, tried it myself and the self-doubt took over) and Architect (Bought one of those computer graphic house building simulators and tried it for 2 weeks, its in a box somewhere with the other floppy disks that were so popular).

This year I have decided that I’m gonna follow one of my passions and that’s where this blog is coming in. I love to write. I think I’m funny in person so why not share my unique view of life? My guess would be that everybody on WordPress thinks they have something different to offer why not be a part of that community at least once a week. I’m learning the ins and outs as I grow along and my posts will be fancier when I learn what the hell I’m doing.

So no I’m not where I thought I’d be and that’s ok. Who follows their dreams that they had when they were younger besides Beyoncé?