I Just Feel…..

malefaerie

I feel so deeply that…watching the news sometimes gets me to thinking that it’s never safe, stay in the house, get Netflix, order in for food.
I feel so deeply that…when seeing my male buddies in pain I hesitate to offer comfort because of that time I tried to help a dude LONG ago he called me a faggot. Some things you never forget.
I feel so deeply that…I came out to someone in my life; a falsehood was told which lead me to believe that most people tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. Sad thing is I’ve been guilty of this in the past.
I feel so deeply that…being around certain people bring up skeletons of the past and while forgiveness is in one hand the pain and anguish, tears are in another. Who said moving on was going to be easy?
I feel so deeply that…I’ve never allowed myself to have an intimate AND romantic relationship for fear of what it can take away and how it makes my eyes sting, heart hurts to see other happy couples sometimes. Work in progress.
I feel so deeply that…I hesitate to share my artistic gifts with the world for fear of ridicule. However I’m well aware that sharing is what the universe wants and the blocks are coming down.
I feel so deeply that…I’m going to share this post and feel a sense of relief because I deep down know that sharing stories like these can help someone. As I grow older, it’s getting easier and I’m realizing life will open up as much as I do.

©CaesarMarques 2016

Photo Courtesy of Bing/MysticMoonMedia.com

I hesitate to say but…

thinking-man

I hesitate to say that spending 9 years at one job kind of hurt my future job prospects or it just feels like it,

I hesitate to say that being celibate and not dating for awhile took me out of the loop as far as being in a social romantic way,

I hesitate to say that living under my parents roof taught me to be enabled beyond my wildest dreams and that If I lived on my own things could be worse,

I hesitate to say that being fat has given me a level of security that is unmatched simply because of my size,

I hesitate to say that I make friends with some people based on the fact that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with them and shouldn’t be disappointed when it turns out they are or never were interested,

I hesitate to say wishing and hoping things will be better almost never works if there is no effort put behind it,

I hesitate to say that being gay is something as a youngster I would change but now as an adult I wouldn’t change a thing,

I hesitate to say that being alone but not lonely is a joy in my life if only because most of the time I enjoy my company,

I hesitate to say that buying things in my youth for the purpose of notice me syndrome is gone replaced by what the hell am I gonna do with this a year from now,

I hesitate to say that infatuation and love is 2 different things and I found out the hard way,

I hesitate to say that losing weight will make more people like me, get me more sex with beautiful people, get acting jobs, and just generally make life better because skinny fit people look like they have it all together,

I hesitate to say that I prefer sleep because my dream life is much more interesting than real life,

I hesitate to say that writing this post makes me feel much better because getting out my feelings takes some of the heaviness off my shoulders,

I hesitate to say that I’m working on being the best man, friend, lover, homie, brother I can be.

2016 ©CaesarMarques

Photo Courtesy of Bing Images

Let it Go (2015)

I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.

Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.

For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish

th180YCCP2 All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.

I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now? I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.

CaesarMarques

Photo Courtesy of: Giphy.com/Frozen, Bing.com/Hyperliterature

Operation Wannabe Writer

Its hard making changes. I hate to live in the past but it’s what I do more than I should. Writing has always been an outlet for me whether it was through journaling or blogging or starting that screenplay and novel, it was a way to get so many thoughts out of my head.

The way my attention span is set up, I don’t get very far or I give up too soon on ideas. I think the 40 hour work week and daily stresses has something to do with it. I would love to make a career out of this crazy imagination I have. This blog was a step in the right direction. I have notebooks that I started writing in High School filled with stories unfinished and ideas that need more time.

It’s time to get creative and remove these writing blocks that I’ve had. Operation Wannabe Writer is now in effect for the remainder of 2015 and I’m gonna use this blog to share some of it.

Onward and Upward

Caesar Marques

The Greatest Love of All…..#Essay

I wrote in a previous blog about finding my tribe, a place where I felt comfortable and safe where I could be myself. Last night our acting class had its first student showcase. I admit I am not the most confident person when it comes to this acting game, but I figure that’s where the acting training comes in. You know fake it till you make it type of ish. Low and behold me and my partner did very well with our scene and we got great reviews.

That part is nerve-racking due to the simple fact that you never know how people will react to any art you will produce. I had to pee 3 times waiting to go on, it was jitters i think or the water that came out of nowhere. I believe the hardest part of this journey that I had to take was the belief in myself that I could do well. In many cases I’m around people who tell people what they want to hear but not give constructive feedback. I hate that, if I suck let me know I feel that’s the only way I can learn and move forward ( I may look at you funny from time to time but its all good).

10 minutes before show time I have my script in my hand and this thought in my head. PLEASE DON”T FUCK THIS UP! Gospel music is playing in my head and the light comes up, we do our scene and do fucking GREAT! I’m genuinely surprised that I remembered my lines and didn’t trip and fall off the stage. Prior to this showcase I had various classmates voice to me what my strengths were and I really couldn’t hear the compliments and receive them in short because I felt I didn’t deserve them.

“Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all”

Well Whitney it’s not THAT easy, it takes work sister girl and by the way (miss you lots). I’m getting to that place slowly and after last night I took a deep breath and let it pour in. You did well brutha man and you deserve all the accolades you’ve received because you’ve worked your ass off. I heard for the first time what my classmates were saying all along. It warmed my heart and filled my eyes with tears that in conjunction with the divine I pray to every night I can love myself enough to NOT discount the good things that people say and dwell on those thoughts instead of the negative.

My tribe is full of creative, free-spirited, talented individuals and I could not be more proud to be in such company. I wish all of us much success in the future and thank you for opening the door to me discovering The Greatest Love of All.

P.S The logo I used is my school that I take classes at with kick-ass teachers, So if you’re interested in taking up acting in the Michigan area give them a call.

CaesarMarques

The thing about being a dreamer is….

I was one of those kids who wanted to try everything but afraid to do most things. I have a lot of admiration for those kids who know what they want and go after it. There’s a list of things Ive wanted to do as careers such as

Fashion Designer

Actor

Filmmaker

Author

Screenwriter

Singer

Dancer

Travel Writer

The thing about being a dreamer is having the follow through to actually do those things. Take classes, see what works for you and what doesn’t. As I’m getting older I’ve found myself in an unhappy place where I’m focusing on all my regrets of what wasn’t instead of what could be. I have let my age and weight dictate far too much of my life. Not following my dreams led me to getting a degree in a field I don’t like much less love.

In November I plan on undertaking a dream of living in another city with no friends or family there. Some people move for work and other reasons, I chalk mine up to a spiritual alignment with growing into the person I should of been before I let fear turn me into the person i don’t really like. Scary yes, necessary yes.

I’ve spent money on things instead of experiences and looking back there are a whole bunch of shoulda, coulda wouldas going on in this brain of mine .As I embark on this next stage of my life I plan on exploring more, writing more, taking more classes, traveling more. We only have one life to live right? When was the last time you followed a dream of yours?

Dream It, Live It, Believe It, Love It

CaesarMarques

P.S If you wanna help a brother out I’m always taking donations. 😉

Music that uplifts….

Those who know me well know that music is a big part of my life, I still own the iPod classic and have close to 7000 songs on it. You can say its the main reason I like going to the gym, not to gain muscle tone or lose weight but to listen to a whole album with no interruption. Putting on headphones or even turning up the volume in my car is almost spiritual. I was trying to think of something to blog about today and this prompt came up, 5 songs you last listened to. I decided to go one step further and pick 5 songs that uplift me, my mood and my singing game (more on that in another post) Here we go….

Can’t Give Up Now- Mary Mary

The overriding theme of this song is of a spiritual nature with lyrics like “I don’t believe he’s brought me this far to leave me” with vocals that if sang live could shake the venue its performed in. It’s gospel music that tells you to never give up and I listen to it during strength training.

Won’t Back Down Eminem feat Pink

A fist pumping anthem that I take as an underdog song with ferocious lyrics by one of the greatest rappers that has ever done it and a chorus sung by my favorite female singer. “You can sound the alarm, you can hold all the cards, you can fence in the yard but I wont back down. Oh no” How can you not get pumped with those lyrics in your ear?

Roar- Katy Perry

A pure and delectable piece of sonic pop candy this song immediately grabbed me with its catchy-ness. I almost did 90 minutes of cardio listening so it deserves special mention. The chorus is played in locker rooms across the US I hear and for good reason what better way to get pumped to win any sports game.

Born This Way Lady GaGa

Another sonic piece of pop candy that is one of the best LGBT anthems of my generation. We are all born a little different and this song celebrates it in a bold way that’s incredibly catchy. My own coming out process benefited heavily from listening to this track basically telling me I’m gonna be alright cause God makes no mistakes. I say Amen to that.

Rise Up- Andra Day

Talk about a track that sneaks up on you. I rarely listen to the radio so I’m normally late on new songs but this was playing at the movie theater of all places. She is a new artist and incredibly talented who writes her own lyrics. The song basically is telling you to get up and seize the day, no matter what and I believe it came right on time in my life.

This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as music goes there are hundreds more I can add but I don’t wanna hold you hostage 😉 So what songs uplift you? When you put on music to get through the day who or what kind captures your soul? Until next time I’ll just be over here with my headphones ….

CaesarMarques

Storytelling…..

Photo Courtesy of institute-of-progressive-education-and-learning.org

I have a ritual that I try to stick to every weekend. I try to catch a movie in the theatre. It doesn’t matter if it’s with someone or alone I find it to be a wondrous escape for a couple of hours. Today I saw Ant-Man and while watching the previews I was wondering where are the stories I would like to see? Movies that are coming out in the coming months feature tales of bravery, mobster tales and one of the suavest agents known to man James Bond. When I say stories I’d like to see I mean “BRING THE GAY”! Movies that have a LGBT lead character are few and far between and they are normally in Drama. How about an action movie where the lead is bi-sexual or even gay. Would you see it?

I know there are male executives who’d love to do this type of movie with a female in the lead because it’s okay and appealing for some woman to woman action. I’d personally like to see an action movie where the male lead is gay or bi, does it have to be pornographic, no but I’d like to see myself represented on screen. It’s part of the world people and the mosaic that is movies should reflect all different types of reality.

I have so many ideas that I want to take and expand on, maybe this is my call to action. It has to start somewhere. There is a movie called Legend that stars Tom Hardy as twin mobsters in London, and guess what one of the mobsters is bi. It’s also based on a true story and comes out this fall. I’ll be there on opening weekend.

CaesarMarques

Love Affair….Part 1

I’m the first to admit, I’m a voracious reader. There was a bookstore called Borders in my hometown that was my favorite place to be on any day of the week. They also had an outlet store that you could find me in at least once a week. It was there when looking for travel guides I found Seattle. I worked with an older lady who dated a man who lived there and upon talking with him about it I decided right then and there I wanted to visit. This was in 2002. It’s odd because not many people talk about visiting the city because it’s not warm or famous like Los Angeles and it doesn’t have amusement parks like Orlando, the rain gets a bad reputation there.

I had it in my heart and in my bones that I would visit. My lady friends’ male companion then passed away and she invited me with her to straighten out some business. I was unable to go because of school, the opportunity passed and I made it a mission to get there. Years passed, I would look at the travel manual every now and again wishing and hoping for a chance. Last year the chance came up and I traveled to Seattle for the first time by myself. Love at first drive it was, no rain on the day I arrived. Mountains, this skyline you see in the picture and it was official I wanted to move there.

The thing about Seattle is that the cost of living is high. One bedroom apartments can be as much as 1000 and up. To park there is not cheap either, I spent close to 50 bucks on parking alone while visiting. Traffic is atrocious compared to where I live now and there was construction being done on the waterfront so that was a hassle. I didn’t wanna be anywhere else though. Some people want to move to places like Atlanta, NYC, Los Angeles and Miami. I felt right at home in Seattle, its liberal kinda weird vibe fit me perfectly.

I decided in 2015 I was gonna make this place my home, so I’ve been making preparations to move there this Oct/Nov. My ultimate goal was to live in the city but if that doesn’t work out I’m happy living on the outskirts. The Love affair continues but like with most love affairs there are some hiccups.

To get a roommate or not?

To get a car or not?

To transfer through my job or find another?

The reason for the Oct/Nov window? I turn in my leased car in at the middle of Oct and my thought process was instead of getting a car here, wait till I get out west. It’s also time for a life change to be honest. I feel like I’m living but I don’t feel Alive. All positive vibes and prayers are appreciated, so I can make this move happen. Fear stay away….

To Be Continued……

CaesarMarques

The 80/20 Principle

“The breakdown is simple: 80 percent of the time you focus on eating clean, good-for-you foods, and 20 percent of the time you have the freedom to indulge as you please. Don’t be concerned about the math, but it’s simple: if you eat three square meals a day, three of those meals every week are your 20 percent cheat meals; if you eat five small meals a day, then seven of those small meals are up for grabs” -Lizzie Fuhr/PopSugar.com

I admit when I’m happy I want to eat, when I’m sad I want to eat. It’s ingrained in my soul. Eat good and eat well. The problem is you can gain weight from doing it. (I know shameful ain’t it) My clothes fit so I haven’t worried too much until I saw myself on camera. Holy bank of America shit cans, I look huge and sloppy and unattractive and every other bad thing you can throw in the mix. I cried about it for a couple of days (literally) but decided to do something about it.

As I was looking at older pictures of a skinnier me, I went back to a time when I consumed no more than 1400 calories a day but lost close to 90 pounds. I couldn’t keep that up so I gained some of it back. What I discovered was that with eating certain foods I felt lighter my stomach felt better and I was more joyful. (I know, hard to believe) I follow several fitness “experts” on social media and this one principle stood out the most 80% good meals and 20% bad but delicious meals.

I took that as eat more of this

Eat less of this

I put a plan to work, eat salads on my lunch break, bring a protein bar as well as to not snack on unhealthy foods and what do ya know I’ve lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Small steps I have to remember but wouldn’t it be nice to lose 10 pounds quickly just by eating salads! (yes) I’m learning to not beat myself up over my chocolate milkshake slip-ups. After all I’m human (for those who were wondering). I’ll keep you posted on how this journey turns out. I have some big life changes planned that will be taking place before 2016 and will be using this platform to vent and celebrate.

Until then, thanks for reading……

CaesarMarques

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