I want to be a better person this year because I think I’d benefit from it and it may make the world a better place (you just never know). Some thoughts that have penetrated my mind, some seen on social media and some that were randomly brought to my consciousness by sounds, feelings and the universe
Comparison is a form of self-violence
Adventure makes your heart smile
Love yourself as much as you love your favorite musicians, actors and actresses
You may have to go into debt to do the things your soul is calling you to do
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
People are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. The universe will determine which
People don’t care about you and what you do as much as you think
Kiss more
Explore Fashion
Though they may work your nerves, cherish every day your parents being on this earth
I hope this serves whom ever reads this and I’d like to know what you would add. Let’s make this list longer….. until the next post ✌🏽
Hey Everyone, I don’t believe I did this last year. I’m gonna do a synopsis of how my year has gone down with the help of gifs (love them). My goal next year is to contribute more to this space so you can get to know me better through words and photography, I think I may do a whole redesign of the blog but we shall see…….
All I Ask
I was in a temporary job in which I didn’t love just getting by in the start of the year. I was working a shift that didn’t allow me to do any of my creative endeavors that 2015 had me interested in (acting classes, doing plays etc) my thought process was do a good job and you may become permanent. So I did, perfect attendance and stellar call quality according to my superiors I wouldnt been a model permanent employee, but because this was still considered temporary I took other interviews hoping for a full-time permanent position. I’m asking the heavens to bless me with full-time employment so I don’t default on my car loan, credit cards, student loans etc…
No
I got let go from that temporary job with the reasoning “They just don’t feel you are long-term employee material”. My question is who is? Do I want to stay making Lil money with a fucking bachelors degree? No. So I am going to better myself AND search for other opportunities while working, it only makes sense right? So they were right in retrospect, as soon as I found another opportunity I was out of there quick, fast and in a hurry. Luckily I qualified for unemployment benefits that got me through bills-wise. I already had trouble with stress and depression tied to my self-worth and this little setback didn’t do anything to help matters.
Darkness and Light
When summer started to roll in, so did me eating my feelings and feeling down because I’m going to interviews upon interviews and still nothing. One company I interviewed with twice and they were known to hire any and everybody…….. but not me. Bitches
Fill out online 80 page questionnaire/ application….. Phone Interview….. In-Person Interview….. “we’ve decided to go with other candidates, good luck with your job search”
My favorite part of the summer? I decided to take singing lessons to keep my creative juices flowing and I thought i was okay at it on the way to being stellar at it. It was a testament to me doing something I’ve always wanted to do and finding a way to get it done. I met some cool ladies there who were all in the same boat I was in (learning) and it was a highlight of my year.Middle of the summer I decided to check out a play that one of my acting teachers wrote and it starred a couple of peeps I had acting classes with, I happened to sit with The Lady H another acting classmate who was also there for support as well. I went through my story and she offered to go over my resume and give me tips on how to stand out in a crowded employment field. She spruced up my resume and sent me links to some openings and encouraged me to join LinkedIn. The Lady H was a blessing beyond words and I thank God i was able to get out of my own way and not turn down help because of pride and what not.
Ultralight Beam
I wanted to share my writings with the world and so I decided that I would submit some of my poetry for publication. I learned that you really should read the publications you are submitting to, needless to say my selections didn’t get picked and a valuable lesson was learned. Score one for experience……I woke up one morning in July and while trying to rush to the bathroom for my morning whizz, my mother hit me with the news that my cousin had passed. He was only 2 years older than me, we weren’t close to be honest, that was a product of my insecurities being around straight dudes and what not, but when we did see each other it was all love. I was in the midst of taking singing lessons and he was a music producer. Who knows what could have happened if we mixed and I had opened up about this part of my life. I try not to dwell on the what could have beens. Rest In Paradise
Breathing Underwater
Hot, Humid August rolls around my unemployment benefits are at an end, resubmit my updated polished resume to all the different job search engines and I get some calls. Interviews roll through and I get 2 job offers in one day. Which do I choose? It came down to the schedules being offered and so I chose cable. I’m still there, going on the 5 month mark. Some days are longer and harder than others but that is to be expected in Customer Service. I’m still playing catch-up with getting my self-love back on track, I did connect with some cool people on social media whom I could consider friends, maybe one day I’ll share some vocal stylings on this here blog. 😉 I traveled to Toronto a place I’ve always wanted to visit and I booked a trip to Los Angeles in February 2017 , so more travel is definitely on my itinerary for this upcoming year. I learned I am resilient, confident at times, lazy, undeniably cool, charming and blessed.
I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.
I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).
This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.
Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.
This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right? I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?
I came back from a road trip recently and some things popped in my head when my best friend said to me on the way home “I thought you were going to get loose, everyone seemed open except you.” Well thanks best friend, if I didn’t like you so much I would’ve pushed you out at the rest area. (I kid) I hate to replay the same narrative over and over so I’ll just say this what people has said about me in the past, I tend to think in the present.
People were not nice in the past, let me tell ya. I believed and believe you have to look a certain way, act a certain way to get what you want. In my choosing not to, I’m being a rebel, original and also single, not wealthy and so on and so forth. It’s all in my thoughts right? I’ve read somewhere that thoughts become things, what you think will ultimately be what manifests in real life.
In short, I’m doing horrible at this.
I want to change. I really do.
It’s been a rough 2016 so far. Want to find my light and keep it.
I’ve complained of writers block in my head for a while now. It was getting better when I came across a book of story prompts that got my imagination going and doing them each day was exciting. I lost that fire, in the midst of it all my temporary position ended and the search for a new position started and I had to prioritize my time and the writing got left on the back burner. It’s not that I’m void of ideas, I keep my iPhone notes app plenty busy with nuggets of inspiration from reading posts on Facebook to some lyrics in a song that spark my fancy.
Its more an attention span thing for me when I get so inspired about an idea and then completely leave it be, go back to it and then blank. Does anybody else have that issue? It’s not that I’m blocked or suffering from the dreaded writers block or am I?, it’s that not one idea holds my attention long enough. I’m right in the middle of reading the second book of the “Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children” book series, (which is great btw) and I get flashes of inspiration so that helps. I’m guessing my issue lies in keeping with an idea long enough to get a short story, screenplay or novel started.
What are some tips from some of my fellow bloggers? writers? authors? poets? screenwriters?
You are not being punished; you are being prepared.
Prepared for more love. Prepared for more impact. Prepared to inspire change in others. Prepared for more awareness. Prepared for your dreams.
– Mastin Kipp
Hitting rough patches has been one of the defining moments in my life, something I remember more than the good stuff. Not good. I want balance, to appreciate the dark and use it to enjoy the light. It’s hard to admit the victim mentality has an allure that I’ve been used to for far too long. I’m learning that. I made a recent post on Facebook about getting kicked down and a friend suggested a song to listen to keep my spirits up, it was one that I hadn’t considered but the idea was one I always relied on. Music as a therapy placeholder keeping your spirit intact and sometimes making you look a million different ways at things through lyrics. Here are some lyrics that have resonated with me recently…….
So come back when I’m good to go. I got drinks to drink, and men to hold. I got good things to do with my life, yeah. Oh, I wanna dance in the open breeze. Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing. I got good things to feel in my life, yeah
-Sia “Reaper”
I just wanna be happy. But if I keep on doing the things That keep on bringing me pain. There’s no one else I can blame. If I’m not happy. Wasted time but now I can see. The biggest enemy it was me. So I’m not happy
-Kirk Franklin “Wanna Be Happy”
Your Grace makes ALL Saints out of Sinners! Now I’ve tried my ways but the way that I need is yours. I look to you when it’s all right. I’ll look to you when it’s all wrong. Please, remind me, when I get low. What you see when you look at me. What I know I can be
-Monica “Saints and Sinners”
I hope this post finds you in good spirits and great health. I enjoy sharing and I hope to do more in 2016. Peace and love…..
I feel so deeply that…watching the news sometimes gets me to thinking that it’s never safe, stay in the house, get Netflix, order in for food.
I feel so deeply that…when seeing my male buddies in pain I hesitate to offer comfort because of that time I tried to help a dude LONG ago he called me a faggot. Some things you never forget.
I feel so deeply that…I came out to someone in my life; a falsehood was told which lead me to believe that most people tell you what you want to hear instead of the truth. Sad thing is I’ve been guilty of this in the past.
I feel so deeply that…being around certain people bring up skeletons of the past and while forgiveness is in one hand the pain and anguish, tears are in another. Who said moving on was going to be easy?
I feel so deeply that…I’ve never allowed myself to have an intimate AND romantic relationship for fear of what it can take away and how it makes my eyes sting, heart hurts to see other happy couples sometimes. Work in progress.
I feel so deeply that…I hesitate to share my artistic gifts with the world for fear of ridicule. However I’m well aware that sharing is what the universe wants and the blocks are coming down.
I feel so deeply that…I’m going to share this post and feel a sense of relief because I deep down know that sharing stories like these can help someone. As I grow older, it’s getting easier and I’m realizing life will open up as much as I do.
I hesitate to say that spending 9 years at one job kind of hurt my future job prospects or it just feels like it,
I hesitate to say that being celibate and not dating for awhile took me out of the loop as far as being in a social romantic way,
I hesitate to say that living under my parents roof taught me to be enabled beyond my wildest dreams and that If I lived on my own things could be worse,
I hesitate to say that being fat has given me a level of security that is unmatched simply because of my size,
I hesitate to say that I make friends with some people based on the fact that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with them and shouldn’t be disappointed when it turns out they are or never were interested,
I hesitate to say wishing and hoping things will be better almost never works if there is no effort put behind it,
I hesitate to say that being gay is something as a youngster I would change but now as an adult I wouldn’t change a thing,
I hesitate to say that being alone but not lonely is a joy in my life if only because most of the time I enjoy my company,
I hesitate to say that buying things in my youth for the purpose of notice me syndrome is gone replaced by what the hell am I gonna do with this a year from now,
I hesitate to say that infatuation and love is 2 different things and I found out the hard way,
I hesitate to say that losing weight will make more people like me, get me more sex with beautiful people, get acting jobs, and just generally make life better because skinny fit people look like they have it all together,
I hesitate to say that I prefer sleep because my dream life is much more interesting than real life,
I hesitate to say that writing this post makes me feel much better because getting out my feelings takes some of the heaviness off my shoulders,
I hesitate to say that I’m working on being the best man, friend, lover, homie, brother I can be.
I hated my job. That’s the plain and straightforward truth. It wasn’t creative enough and it basically wasn’t what I saw my future to be. I stayed there 9 years because of you know nice compensation, some people that I liked and fear. That dude (fear) has been my closest companion for a long time and he has gotten me out of some hairy situations and probably stopped me from having some good times in life.
Here was the plan: my car lease is up in November, look for another gig (Hello Seattle one of my favorite cities) and quit this job because hey I’m a hard working dude with a bachelors degree, I’ll land on my feet. Here’s what actually happened: I turned in my lease, quit my job and landed a pretty cushy interview where I could make more money than I had previously, except that interview was canceled just because. I ended up with no car of my own and no job. I’m applying everywhere because I’m a grown man and I have bills like my most grown folk. Jobs I wouldn’t normally look twice at suddenly looked very appealing. Interviews came and went but it seemed the more excited I got about the gig the harder it was to take the rejection of “We’ve decided to go with other candidates”.
For a long time I’ve read that no is a cosmic redirection and that every door that closes is so another better door can open. In the midst of wondering what is gonna happen and how long you can last on your savings the main thought I have is, this some bull-ish
All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.
I don’t regret leaving my last company for the “promise” of a new opportunity, but It was scary as hell. That company helped me meet some cool people, fall head over heels in love (infatuation probably), lease two new cars and keep my bills paid. You’re thinking well what am I up to now? I’m still figuring things out about where I want to be in 2016 but I did get a temp position to keep some funds coming into my pocket and there’s a chance it could become permanent. This experience has taught me that when you let things go you might as well let go of the outcome because you never know what the universe has in store. I learned that something crazy these last two months. I wish 2016 to be a great year for all who read this, I appreciate a forum to write my life and those who take the time to read about it.
This is me. My name is Marcus.
All this being said there has been some depressing times feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be hired, saying I wasted years at the previous company, just a whole bunch of shoulda coulda woulda’s. The days have been up and down for the last two months. I’ve had a tremendous support system with my parents and some friends who didn’t outwardly judge me.
koolest1uknow 