…But it’s so comfortable in My Comfort Zone #Essay

Photo Credit: Geekologie.com

Acting class is going well, the tribe are a bunch of awesomely talented group of people. Which brings me to my dilemma, how to stay confident in a group where you perceive that people are better than you with more experience. I have always had some issues with my memory and now memorizing lines just drives me bat-shit crazy. I rehearse with my scene partner, do good and get in front of the instructor and start to forget shit. You do realize that people do this type of stuff 8 shows a week with singing added!

I’m trying to be better at every turn and when I’m watching these amazing people my confidence drops a little. How to stay in a place of gratitude and confidence when you are in the company of performers? You see I havent had this issue before because I’ve never did something I wanted to do. I stay in my comfortable place and let life pass me by until this year. Acting has been a eye-opening lesson in so many ways, opening up to a lesson about myself.

My ego thought I would get in this class and kill it. The reality is that I’m new and I need training. Is it gonna come easy like it does to everyone else? Maybe or maybe not. I honestly thought of not going forward, not because I can’t afford it (I can make it work) but because I don’t wanna waste time on something I like versus finding something I love (writing and directing). It’s all confusing and I don’t wanna seem lost when I pretty much am. I was the kid who wanted to do EVERYTHING for a job.

How do I get out of this rut. Go to Acting 3 because it’s the last of the series and I can learn more, while putting what I’ve learned in my acting toolbox. Take a writing class and develop that skill. Take a directing class and develop that skill. Admit I’m scared shitless that the vision in my head of Joe Q Oscar Winner could never come? There’s a lot to think about before June 23rd when the next class starts.

How do you get out of your comfort zone?

P.S Isnt that Spiderman Bed the coolest??

CaesarMarques

Kids : Thinking About Them #Essay

Do men have biological clocks to? I’ve been wondering because when I see fathers with their kids I have a slight case of longing, like I’m missing something. I am 5 years from 40 so that could be it. I also have 12 nieces and nephews that I can see for a weekend and be ready to send them home afterwards. Theres nothing like having your own. My situation is different in the fact that I’m 90% sure I will not end up with a lady as my life partner. I don’t know if you people know this and be prepared to be blown away if you don’t, two men CAN NOT biologically have children. Crazy ain’t it.

That leaves some options though:

Surrogacy- I hear it costs a shit ton of money but you get to pick your surrogate and the child has your genes but again you need money.

Adoption- Costs Money (of course) Options on where to pick your child from anywhere in the world that won’t deny a single parent or even worse a gay couple.

Pretending to be Straight, Knocking up a lady and suing for primary custody: Costs money and takes too much time. You’d have to get courts involved, hurt feelings everywhere. It’s still an option.

Where do I go from here? Continue to daydream and hope a stork drops one out of the sky? It’s still in the planning stages because there are men who do this as a single parent which I know isn’t easy. I can barely afford to clothe and feed myself and now I want a kid? Hard to believe for some but my heart is good and I’d make a wonderful but stern teddy bear of a dad. Just thought I’d throw this out into the universe.

Now to go make some money or better yet marry some money 😉

CaesarMarques

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free……#ESSAY

Watching the Bruce Jenner interview on ABC got me to thinking about my own life and what it means to live a true authentic life at any age. Knowing you are different and choosing not to honor it can have many repercussions on your psyche, your life and your mental state. Its not easy to go against what society thinks or what your family has raised you to be.

As I get older I believe that we choose the life thats less painful for us. We want to be accepted at a young age for who and what we are but peer pressure and puberty can do a job on confusing the feelings. It did on me for sure. I’ve always had feelings for boys since I was a young kid not thinking there was strange about it. That was until I told a fellow female classmate I thought another dude was cute, shit hit the fan and then I realized that maybe I should keep all my feelings to myself.I guess it didnt help that I had a fashionista for a big sister while watching her and her quest to look better than everybody else, I wanted to as well.

Elementary school couldnt tell me nothing about clothing. I was the flyest dude in that school at least I thought. Did they talk about me? Hell to the yeah, but I really don’t remember caring as much. In fact I thought I looked so good I wanted to be a model. Then middle school happened. It seemed that every bad thing people thought of me AMPLIFIED in my mind so I ate and slept. We wore uniforms so there wasn’t a big fashion craze at the school but on certain days when there was a free day I wore my best outfits. Lol It kinda of gotten to a point where personal hygiene wasn’t as important as it should’ve been and let me tell ya BAD IDEA!

So I ate and slept some more then High School happened, I was a huge, smelly mess of a dude all to hide the REAL me. I became known as the Smart-Ass around the school, people talked about me but it never got physical for me. I believe there is a big difference in my mind between teasing and being bullied. I was teased but I still gained a best friend and people who were cool with me for some reason or another. I rarely dated if ever so I didnt have the quintessental teenage guy experience that is so awkwardly portrayed on TV and Film.

Some people started to suspect as I grew up and left High School that I was into dudes. The world was a bitter cold place to me and I admired and envied those folks who could be themselves. I started working for a grocery store in the suburbs when I was 19 and I saw all these colorful people who were just fine as they were and accepted me as such. Walls that I placed around myself s l o w l y came crashing down. I started dating dudes more while testing the waters with family asking specific questions about other people seeing the reactions.

In my world today I still get nervous when talking about my life with co-workers, new friends etc. I believe the Internet helped in a big way with information, connections with like-minded people and such. My family is supportive for the most part but I haven’t brought anyone home yet so that may or may not change. Freedom for me would be not caring at all what anyone else thinks and doing me to the best of my ability. Thank you Bruce for your inspiring story and waking me up to realize what true authentic courage is. My journey to freedom starts today..

P.S The young lady singing one of my favorite anthems is Emeli Sande. She’s incredible and if you’ve never heard her albums, treat yourself. We also share a birthday!!!

I FOUND MY TRIBE Y’ALL…. #ESSAY

When I was younger my aunt used to babysit me, everyday at 1pm I had to be quiet because the “stories” were on. What are “stories” you might ask, they are really soap operas but in black households they were called “stories”. Usually when asked what you are watching you would just blurt out the channel. My aunties channel was ABC. I grew up watching Loving, All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital. It kind of put a passion in me to wanna know how these people acted so crazy and or funny so effortlessly. It started me also thinking of storytelling in a way that was over the top (The classic catfight in the pool) or serious (Character dying from a disease). In a way it has shaped the way I write fiction and the hobby I’m pursing now.

This year ive decided to spend money on experiences more than mere possessions. I’ve always wanted to act, sing, dance, write , fashion design, architect, paint, be a world leader and a superhero. When I got older and self-doubt crept in, built a mansion, furnished it and would not leave I didn’t pursue what my passions were I pursued what others wanted me to be. That got old fast I tell ya. Depression decided to rent a room and the mansion got so crowded that something had to give. I slowly came to realize what wasnt working and went and made plans to fix it. I tried an acting class.

My expectations for acting 1 were high, I mean after all I watched enough soap operas to cry on cue or get angry with the snap of a finger. The focus was on individual preparation and completing a monologue. I did ok, my teacher kept saying more emotion. I thought I gave it all I had, ended up being so disappointed in myself that I declined to do the student showcase at the end of the semester. The next acting class was to focus on scene work with a partner and you HAD to do the student showcase. I’m no punk so I enrolled in acting 2.

One of the best decisions in my life. There are 5 students from the previous class so the comfort level was there, but add 11 more people from other classes and you get some of the most creative, inspiring people I’ve encountered in a long time in one room. 4 hours of laughter, fun and we are all there to learn and do a good job. It’s the one day of the week I look forward to, I can be my true self with no judgement. There’s no grades so there’s no competition and that takes a load off.

I encourage anyone reading this to pick a hobby/passion that you’ve abandoned for whatever reason and give it another try. Small steps are always better than no steps at all. I’m having a great time and I’m truly thankful.

You never know, you may see me on your movie or TV screen soon

I found my tribe y’all…… It only took 35 years

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