needs lifting up
am I doing not enough?
tell me please
needs lifting up
am I doing not enough?
tell me please
i will rebuild my life
one floor at a time
i will fulfill my destiny
my time to shine
worrying doesn’t help
having faith does
I had little
stay with me spirit
along this path
help me not to go mad.
I’ve prayed for peace
should I stop
remembering his time is not my time.
shine a light GOD
let us know you’re near
this time is wearing on so many souls
the toll is showing
is there a break in the chaos?
“I need more from you, it seems as if your holding back” says the director on our first meeting about our project. I know this. I got this. but this criticism still stinging.I prepped and racked my brain to give this character life. I studied the greats trying to capture their spirit and put together their essence with my own perhaps this was my first mistake.
First off, I’m new to this, raw unfiltered emotional dude who loves this woman and she dares not to love him enough. The role did spark a fire in me that while always there, was damned due to my insecurity in allowing the negative comments from years past to penetrate my consciousness and never break free from it. In preparation I fasted, I exercised, my mind and my heart to get it right. I got this. I know this.
The third rehearsal goes something like this “have you ever felt when someone told you something and you know it is untrue but you still listen”? the director says looking stern and uncompromising not a smile in site.
My reply….. I know the feeling well it seems like this is my way of living all the time, the world has a contract to tell people what they want to hear be gentle they say, don’t hurt feelings they say, and have us walk around thinking we are something that we are not. I got this. I know this. The up coming weeks go by fast and with each rehearsal I feel better, I feel supported, I feel the universe is with me every step of the way. Feedback is great, I’m on top of the world on this particular day I meet the playwright she loves how the piece flows but thinks a song is needed to push the piece into the stratosphere.
I’m excited thinking I can do more, I can be more bring my full self. I sing the song in rehearsal but you can hear a pin drop. Silence. Is this good? It seems like 20 minutes have gone by and then I hear the directors uncompromising and stern voice….”are you comfortable with this? Because you really can’t sing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are gonna have to get it together or find an alternative”. Rehearsal ended but the comment/critique set with me, ate with me, came to bed with me that night. It rises in me as I started each day. What do I do? Quit the show and go back into my shell? Stay in dreamland and live there for the rest of my days? I mean it is my favorite place. Can you guess what I did?
I regrouped, picked myself up and realized that while I was nowhere near where I wanted to be I could get there with practice and tenacity. I prayed, practiced and I meditated. First show of the run. Nerves. Sweat on the brow. Lips shaking. Well wisher’s, crowd silenced, some laughs and it’s the end. Standing ovation. I’m shocked looking at my leading lady who was also shocked. They actually liked it. I’m elated that I didn’t muck it up, I have a talk with spirit that same night while I try to explain my feelings about the experience, the emotion and my goal for the duration of the rest of the shows I feel a chilled finger pressed against my lip not allowing me to speak.
” you feel it now don’t you, it was always there. You compare with no one. You are your own person with your own gifts, talents and technique. Will you be everyone’s taste? No. You were not designed that way. The people you have met and critiqued you were to strengthen you, push you to go farther then you knew you were capable of. I’m proud of you and I know there’s a lot you want to say but you do realize I already know the words you want to say. You Recreateand create that’s why you’re here, don’t ever doubt, always trust and believe. You’ve enjoyed my work on this planet and now I demand you give this same courtesy to every living soul out there, don’t make me come back and give this speech again”.
Spirit then smiles and gets up to go. I’m trying to speak and maybe say thank you, get words out but that something keeps my lips in place I then hear clear as day like a song… “I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love” she then fades away. I knew I was always loved at that moment.
*From a conversation with my mom* ” I bought new bowls because I don’t know what your dad does with the other ones, he takes them out and I never see them again. I just don’t get it, boy I tell ya.” My reply “he’s been like that for 30 years you should know by now. This is what you signed up for when you married this man” Her reply “If you don’t shut up about what I signed up for”.
I’ve been waiting a couple of days to write about this topic because I wanted to get my thoughts together because I tend to ramble on and on. On Friday June 26,2015 the Supreme Court voted that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states!!! I am a same gender loving fella so this benefits me someday. However I was surprised by overwhelming emotions upon hearing this news. Tears filled my eyes when the e-mail came through for the many couples who want this and now have the chance to be recognized. I never saw myself as getting married partly because of my low self- esteem among other things (hey I’m honest).
Do I think society will crumble because of this news? No the world will go on just as it was before only difference is that instead of having commitment ceremonies there will be weddings for same-sex couples. I made the mistake of going on Facebook that same day and my heart was punched repeatedly by reading some nasty, hateful comments made by “Christians”.I believe there is a god, I believe he preaches love among ALL people. I have never read the bible cover to cover (not enough suspense, sex, drugs and all that stuff that makes a book go bestseller) but there are some that have and will tell you how to live your life according to this book.
“Only that which is directly written by God’s Hand can be said to be free of errors and to be absolutely true in every way. All the other works are prone to all the errors that human beings are prone: poor memory and forgetfulness, lack of understanding and so on and so forth. This is not to say that these works are not of value; on the contrary they are of great value but with the caveat that sometimes the works were written down decades after the passing away of the original truth-bringer, as for example, the teaching of Jesus.Only Divinity is Perfect and as such a Work or Writing that proceeds from Divinity’s Hand would be perfect and all-embracing, devoid of any form of errors. Therefore no religious teaching of today can claim the absolute right to an unadulterated Message from God since none of the teachings have been written by God’s Hand Himself but only through His Messengers who as described above were human beings and as such prone to all the errors that we human beings are prone.”
–In The Light Of Truth: The Grail Message by Abd-ru-shin. The Stiftung Gralsbotschaft Publishing Company, Stuttgart, Germany 1990
We are all entitled to believe what we want to believe and feel how we want to feel. That being said I am fully ready to embrace how I feel and not put up with negative energies of those whose love is conditional. To the single christian brothers and sisters, have you ever thought that the reason you are still looking for the Mr and Mrs in your life is because you spend so much energy trying to put down someone else marrying their Mr and Mrs? What we put out comes back to us I believe, so all that hatred could be blocking your blessings.
Lets be honest there’s racism all around us that hasn’t went away, there seems to be a total disregard for life when someone can go into a block party and shoot it up knowing there are kids there.You cant procreate if there is nobody left on the planet, right? I’m sure in time the support will come, hopefully while I’m still alive. Its a shame that its more prevalent in the African-American community being that it took us so long to get all our rights.
The lesson I’ve learned is that you need thick skin to live in this society and be yourself. To live your truth whatever it may be. The joker in me wants to go to some baptist churches and pass out wedding planning services for same-sex couples. I’m gonna continue to keep praying that the world starts coming together and not get divided. We are stronger together than apart.
Going back to the conversation with my mom, that is what you sign up for the good and the bad. Gay couples will be no different from straight couples, we’re gonna fight, we’re gonna get divorced. It’s life and it changes, get on the bandwagon or get left behind.So on a lighter note, I’m thinking night-time at a beach candles lit nice breeze for a wedding. I can cook, keep a clean house, good credit. Who wants to marry me?