Lamenting on truest of lives…

I did plan it

I had no Qualm; about going through with it

The date was set

I need to get things in order 

Fire up the tape recorder 

Let everyone know I love them 

It’s about me, wasn’t about you

Get outta my head

Build a new life 

Try new things, maybe go clean 

What am I trying to accomplish?

What am I trying to escape?

Sometimes I feel like it’s too late 

But it’s not, it’s ego talking 

Universe help me out

I wanna get these feelings out

Stuck, lost, off track, astray

Moving, found, clear, focused 

It’s what I’m after…..

©Marcus Caesar 

Come One, Come All

Here ye.    Here ye.

Everyone is welcome 

Come into my home 

Tell me your stories

Life experiences and such

Welcome aboard 

My train, no judge or jury

No hurry to confirm 

To the harshness of society 

Bring your gifts, share your talents 

Let’s all learn together 

Color blind in my eyes

We all have the same insides 

My place  so kiss your girl, kiss your dude

Kiss both on different days, respect 

Hold hands in harmony, peace

Be with us, Hospitality to 1000th degree

Come stay with me

Take me to your land so I can learn all I can

A great time had by all

I promise one and all

Universe my mind and heart is open…..

©Marcus Caesar

scared, so you write through it….

Dreams are real, vivid productions, high quality writing. Making them come true could be the hard part, afraid to share your art never knowing if you could brighten someone’s day or save a life. 

Stuck in the same place , to everything and everyone you know. The encouragement is there from your peers and everywhere but you can’t find it inside yourself, it’s like your deaf to your own praise.

Prayers and meditation that’s what they say, invest in your life, things work out great that way. I’ve been diligent in this practice all along but it’s not enough to make me strong. Strong enough to make that move, Pursue my dreams.

Life is always changing, I’m still holding on. I’ll have to do it and adjust later. I may fail which makes me shudder with fear, but what else do I do dear? Cry about it, sulk about it, whine about it. Will that make things better? I doubt it.

It’s tiring. 

©MarcusCaesar

Tenacious and Strong (Precious Metal)

              

I want it. I need it.

My breath I can see it

The victory can taste it

The solitude I face it

Unshakable the drive

Too bad I hold it deep inside

So many roads to take

Can’t I just choose one avenue and be great?

Unwavering in my approach 

Determined in my education 

Learning as much, as fast as I can

Trying to be great, not mediocre man

Take it seriously but not so seriously 

Take it easy but don’t be easy

To be fooled into doing things that 

Take you off your path

I will succeed, thrive

I will survive, strong-willed

Practice makes perfect 

Comparison may be certain 

Tho Tenacious I deserve this 

A life I love ❤️ 

©Marcus Caesar 

Road could be long, but worth it… (Champion)

This nervousness is astounding, my heart is beating fast, sweat is forming in places that are dumb. Back of my neck, inside of my thighs, the crook of my arm. I had been nominated for 4 Academy Awards, Best Supporting Actor, Best Actor, Original Screenplay and Best Original Song. By this time of night I’d lost 3 of them and now it was time for the last category I’d compete in and one of the last of the night, Best Actor. 
This was one of the best years of my professional/ personal life. I wrote a movie for me to star in AND I got to work with 2 acting heroes of mines Meryl Streep and Steve Martin. I had become engaged to a childhood friend that summer and became a step-parent to his 2 kids Savanna and Rob Jr. I also inked a deal to write a pilot for HBO about the lives of escorts to the stars, that was getting a lot of buzz. In other words, a fucking fantastic year.
My friend Zarah was by my side at the Oscars being the support, the comedian (we played guess who gets drunk quicker) , and my edible buddy (she owns an edible bakery). I admit I wasn’t largely favored to win any of the major awards but best Original Song, I thought I had it in the bag. Top 10 hit, platinum seller but alas so was Sam Smith’s ballad that ended up winning. I found myself tearing up after not winning that one, my self esteem was slowly falling down. In my eyes this award show was my moment, my HEY WORLD IM HERE, my launch pad. One by one after each announcement of the winner I had to fake a smile, damn those cameras.
It was after the winner was announced for the screenplay award where I decided I was gonna take a year off and cry, eat, sleep. You know stay at home and play househusband. One thing about me it shows on my face when I’m upset, worried, irritated, hungry, happy etc and boy was my face twisted up that night. Commercial break comes and a tap on the shoulder jolts me, it’s Samuel L Jackson whispering in my ear “keep your head up brother, shiiiiid you’ll be up there next year. You new to the game. You can’t always win awards but you put out good work and the rewards gon be great. You’re a champion Youngblood. Believe that shit” before I could respond we were back from commercial break. 
Best Actor category up next, the sweat is on my eyebrows now, Zarah is holding my hand. There are some great actors nominated tonight Izaya Spencer (acting school buddy), Sharlto Copley, Orlando Bloom and Matt Damon. I’m rubbing my leg with my right hand, tapping my shoe and the winner is called and it’s…….Orlando Bloom 

I jump up and start clapping, seeing me do it the other nominees follow suit. Standing and clapping, my mind is cloudy, throat is dry, hands now hurting holding back the tears. I could play it off and say I’m just happy for my buddy Orlando (first nomination) but it’s a mixture of disappointment and genuine happiness for the winners. 
It was my first as well, do I count? I could see the headlines now, and I’d be in them as capital L for loser. On the way home I’m silent, Zarah is running down the coolest moments of the night, who she met, who she’d fuck, whom she wouldn’t. She gives me a hug before she walks up to her townhouse and whispers “You’re my Champion forever and always ” followed by a kiss on the cheek and then she skips to her door. The driver gets on the PCH and that’s when I lose it, tears streaming down my face. I had to let it out, the driver sensing discomfort just let me be. He put on some music and the first song that comes on is Champion by RuPaul…..45 minutes later I’m home.
Rob comes at me both arms raised and we hug, sobs coming from my mouth, nose stuffed up. He knew as soon as he saw me, I felt embarrassed, distressed and low. Letting me go, I then go into my meditation room and see a bouquet of flowers with a note attached from my spiritual mentor it read “To my friend, always remember : Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday. -Wilma Rudolph followed by Best of Luck my friend signed OPRAH WINFREY
A smile appeared on my face. It was time to regroup and so I started my meditation……

©MarcusCaesar

Take this (fortune) and run…


What would you do if it came to you?

Would you give it away, drink it away

Use it to slay all the demons that may

Come in the night, taking all of the light

Buy a new house, get up off the couch

Make your dreams come true

Give it away to family or charity 

To some they are one and the same 

Use it to shift blame

On all the horrors the world see’s

Feed a hungry country, feed a hungry soul

They say money comes with problems 

They say money solves all problems 

Do you listen to what they say?

Hide away, maybe change your name

Help take care of some of the pain

Of comparison, of ego, of wanting, needing 

Be chill, buy a car, a significant other

Would it teach you to love one another 

Fortune like this could change ones life

Enhance it, break it down

Get the tools make it last, time goes fast

One day your broke, next day you’re rich

But it’s hard to fix

What’s all inside, nope money can’t hide

So what would you do?

Would you let this money handle you?

©MarcusCaesar

A shot of light n life (elixir)

Guardian Angel hear my plea

Come rescue me

Depression has come calling 

Loud, strong, impressionable 

Feeling stuck, caged in you could say

Tell me something, make my day

Brighter, sunnier

Love letters to my heart

An elixir for my woes

Deep thinking, contemplating 

Just letting go, leaving it all behind 

Comparison is death at my age, any age

Oh sage, walk with me, talk with me

Give me the magic to mix this life

Into something I’d love, even like

Grant me the greatest gift 

Of being able to see the world in all

its glory, is it by telling stories?

One year older, hair a bit grayer 

I would like a sign for the piece of mind

To move forward knowing that life can be a 

Challenge and the storm I’m in won’t always

Be this way, oh heavens I pray 🙏🏽

Your Elixir would be most helpful whatever 

It may be, I kneel and bow to thee. 

Be the guide.

©Marcus Caesar

Year 37 

I believe in miracles, cause it’s a miracle I’m here.”  -Emeli Sande

Born day is here and the feeling is mixed

I’m blessed to have what I have 

Meet the people I’ve met 

Traveled to the places I’ve traveled 

There is something I wanna do

Live in another place, get another grove

Find love with another + myself 

Follow my true path 

Be that media mogul, makes dreams come

True, even mines 

I pray this year brings a Desire to live

Fully honestly and without hesitation 

With that sentimental crap outta the way

My attitude remains 


©MarcusCaesar 

Daddy Lessons 

“Dad what’s a faggot? “he wouldn’t look at me he just kept driving. It seemed like miles had passed before he spoke. “Why would you ask me some shit like that, you heard your mom say that?”

” I just wanted to know because I heard some boys call somebody that in class and the boy started crying.”Next thing I know there was a bop bip bop and there was a swoosh sound and then my dad saying FUCK real loud. We pull into a motel on the highway and just sit there. 

Silence fills the car as time seems to drag. “Well it looks like we got a flat tire my dude and I don’t think I have a fucking spare.” Call uncle Darrell I say, he got a big truck to come help us don’t he like to fix things? My dad continues “before I do let’s talk about living with your mom since I’ve been gone is everything good, ain’t nobody fucking with you Is they? I look at him and we both smile.”it’s OK I say she is grumpy most of the time but she lets she lets me eat Taco Bell all the time,but dad you didn’t answer my question what is a faggot?” 

My dad,never at a loss for words took extra time to answer too long for my taste. A deep breath in and he begins explain “you know I made a vow to myself and to you when you were a little dude to always tell you the truth because that’s where I want you to be empowered, I will always support the truth tellers and the real people. Authenticity is how you live your best life son it’s where it’s at and don’t you forget that shit.The word faggot i believe is a slur used to make it seem wrong to like someone of the same sex, some use it to describe a gay man.” 

My brow immediately furrowed and he continued “some folks want everybody to be the same, have the same beliefs, act the same, love the same and that my dude is not how the world works.” It kind of made since to me since the boy they picked on acted girly, kids thought he liked other boys. He continued “the word faggot is a term that tries to make gay people feel bad about themselves and make them mad and sad.” 

I asked him “did you call anybody a faggot when you were younger?” He pulled out his cell phone and started to dial while speaking to me “I wasn’t the smart young dude like you so yeah, I used that word before I knew what it meant.I bet not ever catch you using it you hear me!”

My 10-year-old brain comprehended that with surprising ease but I was now hungry and though I had more questions he was on the phone talking to my uncle and I was mesmerized watching the 18 wheelers go by. 

©Marcus Caesar

*In response to the prompt Slur*
Image courtesy of Google Images

singer sings, people listen.

The season is here

The big awards are given out

Music to film, around this time

Lights never dim

I’ve always wanted to be part of the culture 

Entertaining the masses

Some days I feel like putting in the work 

Some days I want to wallow in the hurt

Of self doubt and what if’s

The universe is showing me 

That I have lessons to learn and to teach

Preach if you will, through lyrics or through 

Song, that’s how most folks get it on

I’m afraid to share you see, message 

May not be received, told to go back in

Fighting against that, lessons resumed

Eager to learn again, no expectations 

Will you hear my song?  💘

©Marcus Caesar 

In response to Sound