“Dad what’s a faggot? “he wouldn’t look at me he just kept driving. It seemed like miles had passed before he spoke. “Why would you ask me some shit like that, you heard your mom say that?”
” I just wanted to know because I heard some boys call somebody that in class and the boy started crying.”Next thing I know there was a bop bip bop and there was a swoosh sound and then my dad saying FUCK real loud. We pull into a motel on the highway and just sit there.
Silence fills the car as time seems to drag. “Well it looks like we got a flat tire my dude and I don’t think I have a fucking spare.” Call uncle Darrell I say, he got a big truck to come help us don’t he like to fix things? My dad continues “before I do let’s talk about living with your mom since I’ve been gone is everything good, ain’t nobody fucking with you Is they? I look at him and we both smile.”it’s OK I say she is grumpy most of the time but she lets she lets me eat Taco Bell all the time,but dad you didn’t answer my question what is a faggot?”
My dad,never at a loss for words took extra time to answer too long for my taste. A deep breath in and he begins explain “you know I made a vow to myself and to you when you were a little dude to always tell you the truth because that’s where I want you to be empowered, I will always support the truth tellers and the real people. Authenticity is how you live your best life son it’s where it’s at and don’t you forget that shit.The word faggot i believe is a slur used to make it seem wrong to like someone of the same sex, some use it to describe a gay man.”
My brow immediately furrowed and he continued “some folks want everybody to be the same, have the same beliefs, act the same, love the same and that my dude is not how the world works.” It kind of made since to me since the boy they picked on acted girly, kids thought he liked other boys. He continued “the word faggot is a term that tries to make gay people feel bad about themselves and make them mad and sad.”
I asked him “did you call anybody a faggot when you were younger?” He pulled out his cell phone and started to dial while speaking to me “I wasn’t the smart young dude like you so yeah, I used that word before I knew what it meant.I bet not ever catch you using it you hear me!”
My 10-year-old brain comprehended that with surprising ease but I was now hungry and though I had more questions he was on the phone talking to my uncle and I was mesmerized watching the 18 wheelers go by.
I haven’t been happy for a while, there I said it. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I put so much on material things and the need to feel like I’m somebody and have it be acknowledged in the world that I lost sight of joy. I see it in others but have yet to acknowledge it in my own existence. Will I find it? It’s a daily challenge. Its hard work trying to give smiles when you feel sad. I’ve neglected this blog because I’ve felt dry creatively. I’m sure that most writers have felt this way at some point in their journey. Today I’m gonna take a step in another direction and post 15 things I’m in love with and grateful for right now, because today is the 15th. 😉
1)Emeli Sande’ s “Don’t Fight The Bullet”, “Colorblind” and “Hurts”
3)Norah Jones’s “Change is Gonna Come”
4)Twitter for endless commentary that’s funny, inspiring and outrageous
5)The means to pay bills
6)A man with nice feet
7)Marvel Comic illustration covers based on Hip-Hop Album covers
8)Garlicky shrimp pasta alfredo
9)Barbers who adjust to your schedule
10)The whole movie theatre experience (seats, big screen, surround sound, snacks)
I admit it, sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I dont want to go out on the town and have a drink or three. Your constant stories and escapades about how you are getting laid is just a reminder that I’m not. I wont text you everyday because I feel like I’m a bother. That being said, I’m a great friend to have. I like to support my friends, hang with them ( doing new things is always a plus) eat with them and generally learn more about your lives. I get immense joy from finding out something that I would have never have guessed because of preconceived notions about you.
I always found it easy to make friends with females because guess what we both like men. When I wasnt down with admitting it, it was always at the back of mind. It was kind of like an information hunt for me what is there to know, what nudes can I see of your man-friends :-). My issue in making friends with other dudes was my fault i just came to realize. In my journey of being totally authentic in everything i did, I regarded most straight dudes with the same feeling. They wouldn’t like me if I was authentically me. That, I found out wasnt totally true but it was good to believe so I could keep folks at a distance, I would hide certain facts, try to know about sports and or players on such sport teams and so on. That kept most dudes from asking questions. It was also easy to assume that I was straight because I’m a big dude and I don’t dress gay (yeah I don’t know what that means either).
This post came up because I was cool with someone I met last year. Some of the same interests and it was cool talking to another dude while being my authentic self and not feeling judged for it. I started to notice that I was the only one initiating the meetings. My mind started to come up with some dastardly scenarios (as one mind does). Was I clingy? Did he feel sorry for me and that’s why he was acting like my friend? Were we really friends? A lot of people use that term very loosely. It was strange to me because we went deep on both sides while telling our stories. This year I reached out twice and while there was a response of I’ll let you know what my week is like. That was in April, It’s almost Sept. I guess his week was like leave me alone, I don’t wanna fucking be around you.
Was this a test from the universe? Telling me to let my guard down and let the chips fall where they may. To see if I could take the heat of a friendship that I created in my head AND be willing to give it another go round without closing up again and again. Letting folks in with no promise of reciprocation? Could it be also true that what goes around comes around and I have acted the same way and didn’t know it? So many questions. I believe I am miles away from where I was as far as being open and honest. I do have friends I’ve known a long time that I love dearly, as i get older i realize closing myself off wont help me.
This summer has taught me that having a network to help can be crucial in me being a successful person. Getting help is not weak. You can do a lot alone but you can do more especially with people who genuinely want to help you. I’m gonna pay it forward. Be open to possibilities all over the place who knows what could happen right? I’ll be crazy and I’ll be cool, I’ll work on sexy and all the right people will come into my life right?