“I need more from you, it seems as if your holding back” says the director on our first meeting about our project. I know this. I got this. but this criticism still stinging.I prepped and racked my brain to give this character life. I studied the greats trying to capture their spirit and put together their essence with my own perhaps this was my first mistake.
First off, I’m new to this, raw unfiltered emotional dude who loves this woman and she dares not to love him enough. The role did spark a fire in me that while always there, was damned due to my insecurity in allowing the negative comments from years past to penetrate my consciousness and never break free from it. In preparation I fasted, I exercised, my mind and my heart to get it right. I got this. I know this.
The third rehearsal goes something like this “have you ever felt when someone told you something and you know it is untrue but you still listen”? the director says looking stern and uncompromising not a smile in site.
My reply….. I know the feeling well it seems like this is my way of living all the time, the world has a contract to tell people what they want to hear be gentle they say, don’t hurt feelings they say, and have us walk around thinking we are something that we are not. I got this. I know this. The up coming weeks go by fast and with each rehearsal I feel better, I feel supported, I feel the universe is with me every step of the way. Feedback is great, I’m on top of the world on this particular day I meet the playwright she loves how the piece flows but thinks a song is needed to push the piece into the stratosphere.
I’m excited thinking I can do more, I can be more bring my full self. I sing the song in rehearsal but you can hear a pin drop. Silence. Is this good? It seems like 20 minutes have gone by and then I hear the directors uncompromising and stern voice….”are you comfortable with this? Because you really can’t sing and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we are gonna have to get it together or find an alternative”. Rehearsal ended but the comment/critique set with me, ate with me, came to bed with me that night. It rises in me as I started each day. What do I do? Quit the show and go back into my shell? Stay in dreamland and live there for the rest of my days? I mean it is my favorite place. Can you guess what I did?
I regrouped, picked myself up and realized that while I was nowhere near where I wanted to be I could get there with practice and tenacity. I prayed, practiced and I meditated. First show of the run. Nerves. Sweat on the brow. Lips shaking. Well wisher’s, crowd silenced, some laughs and it’s the end. Standing ovation. I’m shocked looking at my leading lady who was also shocked. They actually liked it. I’m elated that I didn’t muck it up, I have a talk with spirit that same night while I try to explain my feelings about the experience, the emotion and my goal for the duration of the rest of the shows I feel a chilled finger pressed against my lip not allowing me to speak.
” you feel it now don’t you, it was always there. You compare with no one. You are your own person with your own gifts, talents and technique. Will you be everyone’s taste? No. You were not designed that way. The people you have met and critiqued you were to strengthen you, push you to go farther then you knew you were capable of. I’m proud of you and I know there’s a lot you want to say but you do realize I already know the words you want to say. You Recreateand create that’s why you’re here, don’t ever doubt, always trust and believe. You’ve enjoyed my work on this planet and now I demand you give this same courtesy to every living soul out there, don’t make me come back and give this speech again”.
Spirit then smiles and gets up to go. I’m trying to speak and maybe say thank you, get words out but that something keeps my lips in place I then hear clear as day like a song… “I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love” she then fades away. I knew I was always loved at that moment.
I say this to myself
As I take the stage
Fight your fears
Recite your favorite poems
Sing that song (even if you aren’t great)
Look in the mirror
Don’t take it so seriously
Hell you write the lines
Just follow your writings…..
i step back
because of “what they think”
my own limitations
are blinding me
can’t won’t see
compliments from peeps
watching stars Glaring
trying to be free
of the old me
wipe the mirror dude
walk into the light
u have the fight
gonna get it right
someday is tonight
while sounds of blackness
optimistic plays in the background
It’s been the same
Scared of change
Im a creative creature
I thrive off of creating worlds
I didn’t share, caring what you thought
It’s been simmering
Percolating under the surface
Doing myself a disservice
Been Dormant; long enough
Fear as my crutch
I’m gonna, I wanna share my art
My heart is in a different place
No this won’t erase the past
All I ask is for patience, time
I’m trying to figure it all out
Scream and shout let it all out
My voice, my soul , no control
Just you wait and see
The fire I have in me……..
You want the best for everyone
I need a miracle
I want to move to another place to
Practice my art, fulfill my hearts desire
Fear, finances, hold me back
I send light to receive light
This is my call to the universe
Help me in anyway you can
To the situations, people, places
My heart is full of gratitude for
What’s to come
I work hard, now I have to work smart
By the end of 2017 I plan to be settled in
Send me your positivity
Send me your magic
Help make my dreams come true 🙏🏽
I enjoy eating
Fast foods, Snackfoods, good foods, bad foods
It’s my armor
Invisible, seen, antisocial, mean
I choose this
Hard to quit, Easy to get, goes down smooth
It’s how I cope
Sexuality, obesity, debt, stuck
I pray about it
Love, money, purpose, relationships
It gets better, doesn’t it? Hope.
*i don’t own the image, Image is courtesy of google images*
The world can be tough
Without your brain making it so
It can be sometimes hard to put yourself in go.
Be Tender with yourself /myself/ourselves
I wish I knew all thee answers
Always searching for something more
I’m learning to adapt
To love ❤️
Myself as I am
Work in progress
Sitting here thinking about you…..
I want to play in the rain with your essence
Eat pizza, while we disagree with pineapple
On that said pizza, I relent it’s ok
Because I’m eating with you
Riverfront walking , our fears talking
Will someone mind if we kiss? It’s been
So long, that walk from the parking lot
To one of many favorite spots. Fuck’em
We dress alike but people can’t see the
Uniform we share is just smiles and happiness
between you and me.
“Dad what’s a faggot? “he wouldn’t look at me he just kept driving. It seemed like miles had passed before he spoke. “Why would you ask me some shit like that, you heard your mom say that?”
” I just wanted to know because I heard some boys call somebody that in class and the boy started crying.”Next thing I know there was a bop bip bop and there was a swoosh sound and then my dad saying FUCK real loud. We pull into a motel on the highway and just sit there.
Silence fills the car as time seems to drag. “Well it looks like we got a flat tire my dude and I don’t think I have a fucking spare.” Call uncle Darrell I say, he got a big truck to come help us don’t he like to fix things? My dad continues “before I do let’s talk about living with your mom since I’ve been gone is everything good, ain’t nobody fucking with you Is they? I look at him and we both smile.”it’s OK I say she is grumpy most of the time but she lets she lets me eat Taco Bell all the time,but dad you didn’t answer my question what is a faggot?”
My dad,never at a loss for words took extra time to answer too long for my taste. A deep breath in and he begins explain “you know I made a vow to myself and to you when you were a little dude to always tell you the truth because that’s where I want you to be empowered, I will always support the truth tellers and the real people. Authenticity is how you live your best life son it’s where it’s at and don’t you forget that shit.The word faggot i believe is a slur used to make it seem wrong to like someone of the same sex, some use it to describe a gay man.”
My brow immediately furrowed and he continued “some folks want everybody to be the same, have the same beliefs, act the same, love the same and that my dude is not how the world works.” It kind of made since to me since the boy they picked on acted girly, kids thought he liked other boys. He continued “the word faggot is a term that tries to make gay people feel bad about themselves and make them mad and sad.”
I asked him “did you call anybody a faggot when you were younger?” He pulled out his cell phone and started to dial while speaking to me “I wasn’t the smart young dude like you so yeah, I used that word before I knew what it meant.I bet not ever catch you using it you hear me!”
My 10-year-old brain comprehended that with surprising ease but I was now hungry and though I had more questions he was on the phone talking to my uncle and I was mesmerized watching the 18 wheelers go by.
*In response to the prompt Slur*
Image courtesy of Google Images
Told by a co-worker you should have more confidence in yourself
Confidence doesn’t come easy, based on the belief that if I think too highly people will make it there mission to take me down
Which brings the point that people are not thinking of me as much as I think of me
People have said “you’re handsome”, but would people actually say “you ugly”?
I overthink, I criticize, I realize thats who I am
If I’m gifted at making acquaintances , own it
If people want to see me smile, do it
If the leadership at my job wants me to lead and that’s the end goal anyway, don’t shrink and automatically recommend someone else
If you fail, that means you tried right?
In 2017, I’ve gotta step into my greatness and claim my place in this world no backing down
Most people want me to thrive and I should want that for myself
And I can’t do that wishing to be someone else
I step into this place, the table has been set
Now muthafucka you better eat…..
© Marcus Caesar
Photo courtesy of Tumblr